Masking

Dawn said:

In an ideal world for me, the NT world would also be trying to learn mine, such that we can meet in the middle; working at it, although more effortful, to get the communication across, but exercising tolerance of things that to the other is odd

Can I live in this world too please Dawn?

I have hope that increasing awareness of neuro diversity is leading in this direction. I wish I knew how to help hurry it along 

Masking was the hardest concept for me to bend my head around and still is.  As I understand it, it can be either deliberate or unconsciously learned behaviour to fit in.  To some extent NTs mask to, but for us it can hide the autism.

Examples of a deliberate one would be stopping yourself from stimming because other people think it odd or learning the football scores to be able to conduct footie small talk even though you have no real interest in football.  They are survival strategies to get by and not get picked on or singled out as odd.

Unconscious ones are harder to catch ourselves out at because we aren't aware of them even if they are taking us a lot of mental effort to sustain.  

The extra strain and drain of masking all day everyday can wear you out socially and lead to burn out.  The healthier approach is to just be ourselves, but we risk social rejection for doing that.

I certainly realise that I have a lot of strategies to help me navigate an NT world on NT terms.  I see this as like learning another language.  In an ideal world for me, the NT world would also be trying to learn mine, such that we can meet in the middle; working at it, although more effortful, to get the communication across, but exercising tolerance of things that to the other is odd.

The trouble I have is in defining where my willingness and deployment of a strategy to accommodate NTs in order to communicate with them stops and masking starts.  I want to cater to them as an audience and encourage them to cater to me, but I don't want to be them or like them or emulate them at all.  That's too draining.

Thank you all for these replies - in my teenage years when I thought I was gay, I did not “come out” until much later on, so it sounds a bit similar to this - now, although I still self-identify as gay, I don’t associate with nor support the gay community because of the (hypocritical) prejudice and discrimination that I’ve experienced (within) the gay community in the 30 years before my diagnosis because of my Irish Catholic only child Rural background and after 15 years, the behaviour of the gay community since, including during Covid - older and wiser, I’d now have the “cop on” not to do so - I understand why people mask (like staying in the closet, for various reasons) but I don’t think I’d do it now, because I live by the principle of being committed to the truth as the most important thing, being open and honest and not hiding anything 

It just means that you are hiding your true autistic self. You aren’t expressing yourself verbally or physically and you are monitoring your outward behaviour so that it fits in with those around you.

Its what happens when u do things you don't normally do like going out and talking to people. You mask and it gives you that nudge of courage and u can do things but it cost u a lot of energy and can leave you fried! 

Its got me thru most of my school life but left me drained and a little bit frazzled. Most people no the masked Phoebe rather than the proper me which is sad

Thank you Alice. Just in a very bad place and it's physically taking it's toll also. X

I actually thought your explanation was spot on. I'm sorry you're not feeling well, I hope it doesn't last long xxx

These are the best resources I've found, to explain the concept of autistic masking:

https://theautisticadvocate.com/autistic-masking/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wFCaoFX-pjg

What many people don't realise is that it is not something we can switch on and off at will. A large part of the masking behaviour will have been learned during our early years and is not something we can consciously control later in life.

I'm sorry,  I would give a better explanation but I really don't feel very well. Someone will come along soon with a better explanation. 

That's happens also. I masked before I knew I was autistic, and I still mask publicly.

I thought masking was when you didn’t know that you had ASD and you just tried to act like everyone else.  So it’s harder to diagnose.

It means hiding your autistic traits and making a concerted effort to fit in.