Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone.
A wonderful friend of mine suggested posting here in the hopes that I can find some advice.
My thoughts are running so fast that I'm struggling to start. I'm struggling with everything right now, to the point living is just too overwhelming. I'm failing in my home life and failing in my work life. It feels too impossible to get through it, though I know there must be a way through, I'm just not able too see it.
I'm currently on the waiting list for talk therapy, for the 3rd time, this time to ascertain whether or not the pins and needles in my mouth and side of my face is due to anxiety. I can't talk to a GP anymore, I don't want medication it makes me feel really unwell. I don't want to be sent contact details of Samaritans, or any other groups, again. That's not helpful. I really don't like asking for help, I've been conditioned to believe that's wrong. And I'm falling down a black hole and can't see a way out.
I've lost myself, not that I've ever really understood myself. I'm only eating once a day, a small meal, and I think it's my way of gaining some sense of control.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I apologise for the very long and pointless post.
Hi Pikl,
Your post is definitely not pointless. Over the last few days i have posted many times about my own issues and later thought the same, but noone here has ever made me feel that my thoughts and feelings are not valid. Even if perhaps my train of thought is not entirely accurate.
I understand the feeling of falling through a black hole. I too have always had a 'busy brain'. It can be very hard at times cant it? Racing thoughts and worries that just keep coming and circling. Sleep is almost impossible. I am the same in that my appetite is the first thing to suffer as well.
I am sorry to say i dont know how to fix it. Just always feel it is ok to post how you feel on here. There will be no judgement. At least that has been my experience. I wish you luck and hope you can find a way out of the blackness.
We are a little broken family here. We are the special ones, you included.
Thank you so much Dogtooth, that really means a lot to me.
A busy brain can me a nightmare at times. It's full of conversations I've had and may never have, chatting with myself, random trains of thought that I'm half exploring and anything else my brain can include. It gets so noisy that my ears hurt, just like I'm in a noisy environment. And anything I hear or read appears as images, fun and also upsetting.
No wonder sleep feels like a myth. Is this the same for you.
Ha ha yep. Exactly the same.
My fears seem to always be lurking in the back of my brain and then suddenly pounce when im least expecting it. The night times are the worst. I cant get away from my own head when the lights go out. Its sometimes like my brain is my biggest enemy and is trying to kill me off.
Then there are the times when everything seems fine. I can be having a lovely day, minding my own business and all of a sudden my head goes 'hold on. He is having an ok day. Oh no you dont sunshine. Lets put a stop to that Right now! Come on boys lets roll out the blackness. This idiot thinks he can have fun!'
I try to explain it to muggles and they never really understand. Even though they may really want to. It can feel proper lonely at times.
Im sorry you deal with it too, as do many here. It is a little comforting though knowing we are all a little erm shall we say bonkers!!!!
Yeah, the storming off never seems to work. I will sometimes put my hands over my ears, I don't think I've quite fully grasped the concept that it's internal and not external.
Love that. I argue with myself too. I call myself names etc. I guess just as much as muggles dont get us, we have no idea what its like to be them too. Would be fun to be regular for a day.
I usually surround myself with things i can talk to to make me look less crazy. Dogs, and fish at home. I have a tree (bonsai) at work called Bernie. I talk to him often.
My colleagues are used to my odd side now, and find it funny. In public though i sometimes get told off for acting too crazy.
I guess on the positive at least we will never feel alone, being able to have conversations with ourselves. The trouble is when we argue we cant storm off! They just come with.
As you say, the muggles don't understand, and how could they, it's something that has to be experienced.
I know what you mean about your brain. I am in a constant back and forth conversation with myself where I refer to myself as 'we'. And I talk as both sides of the conversation. I recently found out this wasn't 'normal. I can share jokes with myself, get into arguments. And though I can't imagine being any different, and I'd likely feel so alone without me, I do often wish it would stop, I can be a real jerk to myself a lot of the time.