Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone.
A wonderful friend of mine suggested posting here in the hopes that I can find some advice.
My thoughts are running so fast that I'm struggling to start. I'm struggling with everything right now, to the point living is just too overwhelming. I'm failing in my home life and failing in my work life. It feels too impossible to get through it, though I know there must be a way through, I'm just not able too see it.
I'm currently on the waiting list for talk therapy, for the 3rd time, this time to ascertain whether or not the pins and needles in my mouth and side of my face is due to anxiety. I can't talk to a GP anymore, I don't want medication it makes me feel really unwell. I don't want to be sent contact details of Samaritans, or any other groups, again. That's not helpful. I really don't like asking for help, I've been conditioned to believe that's wrong. And I'm falling down a black hole and can't see a way out.
I've lost myself, not that I've ever really understood myself. I'm only eating once a day, a small meal, and I think it's my way of gaining some sense of control.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I apologise for the very long and pointless post.
Pikl said:Hi everyone.
Hey Pikl !
Pikl said:A wonderful friend of mine suggested posting here in the hopes that I can find some advice.
Did you forget about us perhaps ~ or imagine we had all moved on, although I have not read from @aidie for a while now and the @+username mention function does not work so who knows?
Pikl said:I'm currently on the waiting list for talk therapy, for the 3rd time, this time to ascertain whether or not the pins and needles in my mouth and side of my face is due to anxiety.
When did that start? I very much hope it is of the light and tingly variety?
Hey Deepthought. So glad you're still here, and I hope you're doing ok.
Pikl said:Hey Deepthought. So glad you're still here, and I hope you're doing ok.
Feeling somewhat sleep deprived as it goes but feeling all achy relaxed in a going nowhere fast kind of way today, so not too bad as it goes. I did my weeks big shop last night you see, always burns me out.
I really hope the overwhelming stuff eases off soon ~ are you still working with the autistic children and devoutly eating chocolate and faithfully drinking tea?
Pikl said:I had no idea that you go through so much, and I think you're amazing!
I don’t realise half the time that I am going through so much either, and ~ oh my ~ I do so very much apologise for being directionally " labyrinthian! " ;-)
If you can possibly excuse my linguistic humour attempt at playing on the word maze and being puzzled or else getting lost?
Pikl said:I didn't believe that anyone could ever put up with me, and so to compensate them, I have done everything for them. My sister, who lives with us is the one who takes things off me, as I forget and struggle.
My seizures mean that I can mistake weeks for days, weeks for months and months for years ~ such as visiting friends a day earlier or later than planned a week after the visit had been planned for, and so on and so fourth with the worst one involving me being three years late for my yearly medical review with my GP ~ which got seriously busy and confusing as I was in rather a mess to start with.
Pikl said:I am a child pretending to be an adult and I don't want to play anymore, it's too hard. I just want to draw.
The vast majority of adults pretend not to be children ~ given that pretending to be parent or authority figures involves the pretence itself maturing much more than the pretender ever does, and once the pretence can no longer be maintained during a breakdown, mid-life crises or in the latter years of life ~ the second childhood begins; with the first childhood developmentally continuing on as being freed from or less restricted by it’s previously inhibiting maturation pretence. Some of course developmentally unravel in terms of regressing progressively back through the traumatic durations of their life, back until even birth-trauma.
Autistic people mature more slowly due in part to a lack of according facilitation, identification and affirmation involving other autistic people’s sense and sensibilities ~ with ostracisation, ridicule and negation from non-autistic people being particularly obstructive and corruptive developmentally.
With growing research finding autism may be the result of foetal trauma due to the toxic effects heightened stress, depressive states and environmental pollution, the crystallisation of the neurological and physiological warps and wefts of the personality embodiment remain more integrally integrated with less chance of childhood regression and more chance of maturational development, however restricted or obstructed it have been. The fact that autistic people appear more youthful is thought to support the hypothesis of maturational perseverance. Of course ~ time will tell.
Pikl said:I used to tell people that I had Peter Pan syndrome and can never grow up, it was the only thing I could think of to excuse my jumping, clapping and spinning on chairs at work. Now I can't do any of that and I had no idea it would impact me, as I didn't know why I did any of that.
Autism involves the neurological and physiological system being in a constant state of freeze, fight or flight ~ hence the vitally narrowed and increased range of sense and sensibilities towards more objective focuses within the mind, or through the body ~ and with the instinctual fight or flight drives being adrenalized orientational and directional mobilisations, they are not particularly healthy to suppress by way of sitting or standing particularly still, more generally.
These adrenalized fight or flight mobilisations as ultimately being focused towards a singular point of attack or escape ~ can then be behaviourally sublimated by a singular activity referred to as ‘stimming’ ~ as can involve soft foam objects to squish to death in your fingers and have them expand back to shape again repeatedly, and finger held spinning gadgets to fulfil the orientational and directional stimulation requirements ~ or anything else under the descriptive heading of ‘stimming toys’.
In my case I have learnt deep and gentle heart centred pelvic breathing where I imagine as if my lungs are in my pelvis ~ and that with each in breath that I am as if sucking my feet to the floor, and with each out breath as if I am pushing roots down into the earth’s core. Shallow diaphragmatic breathing only provides about 40% oxygenation which is both anxiety inducing, and exhausting in terms of suffocating oneself, and seriously not a good way to minimise stress induced seizures.
Learning to habituate heart centred pelvic breathing took me about 25 years, and works very well as ‘stim’ for me.
Other stims I use as a helmet wearing cyclist queuing to be served in shops etcetera ~ is flexing my legs as if trying to stay limbered up, which no one pays any attention to as being out of place, or else I sway from side to side gently when I am more in need of a soothing vibe.
I had no idea that you go through so much, and I think you're amazing!
I didn't believe that anyone could ever put up with me, and so to compensate them, I have done everything for them. My sister, who lives with us is the one who takes things off me, as I forget and struggle.
I am a child pretending to be an adult and I don't want to play anymore, it's too hard. I just want to draw.
I used to tell people that I had Peter Pan syndrome and can never grow up, it was the only thing I could think of to excuse my jumping, clapping and spinning on chairs at work. Now I can't do any of that and I had no idea it would impact me, as I didn't know why I did any of that.