My World Is Falling Apart

Pikl said:

Hi everyone.

Hey Pikl !

Pikl said:

A wonderful friend of mine suggested posting here in the hopes that I can find some advice. 

Did you forget about us perhaps ~ or imagine we had all moved on, although I have not read from @aidie for a while now and the @+username mention function does not work so who knows?

Pikl said:

I'm currently on the waiting list for talk therapy, for the 3rd time, this time to ascertain whether or not the pins and needles in my mouth and side of my face is due to anxiety.

When did that start? I very much hope it is of the light and tingly variety?

Hey Deepthought. So glad you're still here, and I hope you're doing ok.

Pikl said:

Hey Deepthought. So glad you're still here, and I hope you're doing ok.

Feeling somewhat sleep deprived as it goes but feeling all achy relaxed in a going nowhere fast kind of way today, so not too bad as it goes. I did my weeks big shop last night you see, always burns me out.

I really hope the overwhelming stuff eases off soon ~ are you still working with the autistic children and devoutly eating chocolate and faithfully drinking tea?

Pikl said:

I had no idea that you go through so much, and I think you're amazing! 

I don’t realise half the time that I am going through so much either, and ~ oh my ~ I do so very much apologise for being directionally " labyrinthian! " ;-)

If you can possibly excuse my linguistic humour attempt at playing on the word maze and being puzzled or else getting lost?

Pikl said:

I didn't believe that anyone could ever put up with me, and so to compensate them, I have done everything for them. My sister, who lives with us is the one who takes things off me, as I forget and struggle. 

My seizures mean that I can mistake weeks for days, weeks for months and months for years ~ such as visiting friends a day earlier or later than planned a week after the visit had been planned for, and so on and so fourth with the worst one involving me being three years late for my yearly medical review with my GP ~ which got seriously busy and confusing as I was in rather a mess to start with.

Pikl said:

I am a child pretending to be an adult and I don't want to play anymore, it's too hard. I just want to draw. 

The vast majority of adults pretend not to be children ~ given that pretending to be parent or authority figures involves the pretence itself maturing much more than the pretender ever does, and once the pretence can no longer be maintained during a breakdown, mid-life crises or in the latter years of life ~ the second childhood begins; with the first childhood developmentally continuing on as being freed from or less restricted by it’s previously inhibiting maturation pretence. Some of course developmentally unravel in terms of regressing progressively back through the traumatic durations of their life, back until even birth-trauma.

Autistic people mature more slowly due in part to a lack of according facilitation, identification and affirmation involving other autistic people’s sense and sensibilities ~ with ostracisation, ridicule and negation from non-autistic people being particularly obstructive and corruptive developmentally.

With growing research finding autism may be the result of foetal trauma due to the toxic effects heightened stress, depressive states and environmental pollution, the crystallisation of the neurological and physiological warps and wefts of the personality embodiment remain more integrally integrated with less chance of childhood regression and more chance of maturational development, however restricted or obstructed it have been. The fact that autistic people appear more youthful is thought to support the hypothesis of maturational perseverance. Of course ~ time will tell.

Pikl said:

I used to tell people that I had Peter Pan syndrome and can never grow up, it was the only thing I could think of to excuse my jumping, clapping and spinning on chairs at work. Now I can't do any of that and I had no idea it would impact me, as I didn't know why I did any of that. 

Autism involves the neurological and physiological system being in a constant state of freeze, fight or flight ~ hence the vitally narrowed and increased range of sense and sensibilities towards more objective focuses within the mind, or through the body ~ and with the instinctual fight or flight drives being adrenalized orientational and directional mobilisations, they are not particularly healthy to suppress by way of sitting or standing particularly still, more generally.

These adrenalized fight or flight mobilisations as ultimately being focused towards a singular point of attack or escape ~ can then be behaviourally sublimated by a singular activity referred to as ‘stimming’ ~ as can involve soft foam objects to squish to death in your fingers and have them expand back to shape again repeatedly, and finger held spinning gadgets to fulfil the orientational and directional stimulation requirements ~ or anything else under the descriptive heading of ‘stimming toys’.

In my case I have learnt deep and gentle heart centred pelvic breathing where I imagine as if my lungs are in my pelvis ~ and that with each in breath that I am as if sucking my feet to the floor, and with each out breath as if I am pushing roots down into the earth’s core. Shallow diaphragmatic breathing only provides about 40% oxygenation which is both anxiety inducing, and exhausting in terms of suffocating oneself, and seriously not a good way to minimise stress induced seizures.

Learning to habituate heart centred pelvic breathing took me about 25 years, and works very well as ‘stim’ for me.

Other stims I use as a helmet wearing cyclist queuing to be served in shops etcetera ~ is flexing my legs as if trying to stay limbered up, which no one pays any attention to as being out of place, or else I sway from side to side gently when I am more in need of a soothing vibe.

I had no idea that you go through so much, and I think you're amazing! 

I didn't believe that anyone could ever put up with me, and so to compensate them, I have done everything for them. My sister, who lives with us is the one who takes things off me, as I forget and struggle. 

I am a child pretending to be an adult and I don't want to play anymore, it's too hard. I just want to draw. 

I used to tell people that I had Peter Pan syndrome and can never grow up, it was the only thing I could think of to excuse my jumping, clapping and spinning on chairs at work. Now I can't do any of that and I had no idea it would impact me, as I didn't know why I did any of that. 

Pikl said:

Everything is still the same, except I've given up chocolate for the time being.

I have actually after two decades off sweet stuff started again in October last year ~ beginning with Lindor white chocolate balls with hard shell and soft centre, then the strawberry version of which which stopped being stocked in the new year which was somewhat disappointing ~ so back to the white ones, basically to compensate for stress and exhaustion induced low blood sugars and comforting my fragged states of mind and body after the stress induced seizures.

Pikl said:

I hate doing food shopping, and thankfully that has been taken over for me, like a lot of other things.

I loath leaving the house and doing shopping and stuff on account of the stress involved and the so not appealing factor of coming back around from stress induced seizures with crowds having gathered around me ~ which is another stress in itself that can lead to the further stress of ending up in hospitals; involving even more stress with hospital induced PTSD overloads and yet further more stress induced seizures.

I got stuck in a hospital for two weeks once as I lost my ID and the seizures were leaving me to fragged to communicate ~ fortunately I do not recall too much of that, although my great escape with days of getting whatever wherewithal I could muster to get to the nurses station to state, "I am discharging myself!" and then successfully got home was massively epic for me.

Basically I live a very much sedate state of existence involving a very much also fixed and limited activity schedule, with progressive increases and decreases to [in the clockwork sense] wind up for and wind down from engaging with all that is required of me. 

Pikl said:

Have mixed feelings about that.

That I fully appreciate and respect very much indeed ~ and I hope you do not mind me stating, but keep very much in mind that the depth and breadth of our sufferings involve us as being equals, not as being like as if slaves with lesser or greater value or worth, nor as if like in triage with lesser or grater needs ~ and neither as being above or below you in status ~ but right here beside you supporting us as we altogether support each other inclusively very much as Number states:

Number said:

Pikl said:

I'm sorry for complaining,  everyone here has their struggles.

Thank you for complaining / venting - you make me feel a little less alone today.

Pikl said:

Everything is still the same, except I've given up chocolate for the time being.

I have actually after two decades off sweet stuff started again in October last year ~ beginning with Lindor white chocolate balls with hard shell and soft centre, then the strawberry version of which which stopped being stocked in the new year which was somewhat disappointing ~ so back to the white ones, basically to compensate for stress and exhaustion induced low blood sugars and comforting my fragged states of mind and body after the stress induced seizures.

Pikl said:

I hate doing food shopping, and thankfully that has been taken over for me, like a lot of other things.

I loath leaving the house and doing shopping and stuff on account of the stress involved and the so not appealing factor of coming back around from stress induced seizures with crowds having gathered around me ~ which is another stress in itself that can lead to the further stress of ending up in hospitals; involving even more stress with hospital induced PTSD overloads and yet further more stress induced seizures.

I got stuck in a hospital for two weeks once as I lost my ID and the seizures were leaving me to fragged to communicate ~ fortunately I do not recall too much of that, although my great escape with days of getting whatever wherewithal I could muster to get to the nurses station to state, "I am discharging myself!" and then successfully got home was massively epic for me.

Basically I live a very much sedate state of existence involving a very much also fixed and limited activity schedule, with progressive increases and decreases to [in the clockwork sense] wind up for and wind down from engaging with all that is required of me. 

Pikl said:

Have mixed feelings about that.

That I fully appreciate and respect very much indeed ~ and I hope you do not mind me stating, but keep very much in mind that the depth and breadth of our sufferings involve us as being equals, not as being like as if slaves with lesser or greater value or worth, nor as if like in triage with lesser or grater needs ~ and neither as being above or below you in status ~ but right here beside you supporting us as we altogether support each other inclusively very much as Number states:

Number said:

Pikl said:

I'm sorry for complaining,  everyone here has their struggles.

Thank you for complaining / venting - you make me feel a little less alone today.

Pikl said:

I had no idea that you go through so much, and I think you're amazing! 

I don’t realise half the time that I am going through so much either, and ~ oh my ~ I do so very much apologise for being directionally " labyrinthian! " ;-)

If you can possibly excuse my linguistic humour attempt at playing on the word maze and being puzzled or else getting lost?

Pikl said:

I didn't believe that anyone could ever put up with me, and so to compensate them, I have done everything for them. My sister, who lives with us is the one who takes things off me, as I forget and struggle. 

My seizures mean that I can mistake weeks for days, weeks for months and months for years ~ such as visiting friends a day earlier or later than planned a week after the visit had been planned for, and so on and so fourth with the worst one involving me being three years late for my yearly medical review with my GP ~ which got seriously busy and confusing as I was in rather a mess to start with.

Pikl said:

I am a child pretending to be an adult and I don't want to play anymore, it's too hard. I just want to draw. 

The vast majority of adults pretend not to be children ~ given that pretending to be parent or authority figures involves the pretence itself maturing much more than the pretender ever does, and once the pretence can no longer be maintained during a breakdown, mid-life crises or in the latter years of life ~ the second childhood begins; with the first childhood developmentally continuing on as being freed from or less restricted by it’s previously inhibiting maturation pretence. Some of course developmentally unravel in terms of regressing progressively back through the traumatic durations of their life, back until even birth-trauma.

Autistic people mature more slowly due in part to a lack of according facilitation, identification and affirmation involving other autistic people’s sense and sensibilities ~ with ostracisation, ridicule and negation from non-autistic people being particularly obstructive and corruptive developmentally.

With growing research finding autism may be the result of foetal trauma due to the toxic effects heightened stress, depressive states and environmental pollution, the crystallisation of the neurological and physiological warps and wefts of the personality embodiment remain more integrally integrated with less chance of childhood regression and more chance of maturational development, however restricted or obstructed it have been. The fact that autistic people appear more youthful is thought to support the hypothesis of maturational perseverance. Of course ~ time will tell.

Pikl said:

I used to tell people that I had Peter Pan syndrome and can never grow up, it was the only thing I could think of to excuse my jumping, clapping and spinning on chairs at work. Now I can't do any of that and I had no idea it would impact me, as I didn't know why I did any of that. 

Autism involves the neurological and physiological system being in a constant state of freeze, fight or flight ~ hence the vitally narrowed and increased range of sense and sensibilities towards more objective focuses within the mind, or through the body ~ and with the instinctual fight or flight drives being adrenalized orientational and directional mobilisations, they are not particularly healthy to suppress by way of sitting or standing particularly still, more generally.

These adrenalized fight or flight mobilisations as ultimately being focused towards a singular point of attack or escape ~ can then be behaviourally sublimated by a singular activity referred to as ‘stimming’ ~ as can involve soft foam objects to squish to death in your fingers and have them expand back to shape again repeatedly, and finger held spinning gadgets to fulfil the orientational and directional stimulation requirements ~ or anything else under the descriptive heading of ‘stimming toys’.

In my case I have learnt deep and gentle heart centred pelvic breathing where I imagine as if my lungs are in my pelvis ~ and that with each in breath that I am as if sucking my feet to the floor, and with each out breath as if I am pushing roots down into the earth’s core. Shallow diaphragmatic breathing only provides about 40% oxygenation which is both anxiety inducing, and exhausting in terms of suffocating oneself, and seriously not a good way to minimise stress induced seizures.

Learning to habituate heart centred pelvic breathing took me about 25 years, and works very well as ‘stim’ for me.

Other stims I use as a helmet wearing cyclist queuing to be served in shops etcetera ~ is flexing my legs as if trying to stay limbered up, which no one pays any attention to as being out of place, or else I sway from side to side gently when I am more in need of a soothing vibe.

I had no idea that you go through so much, and I think you're amazing! 

I didn't believe that anyone could ever put up with me, and so to compensate them, I have done everything for them. My sister, who lives with us is the one who takes things off me, as I forget and struggle. 

I am a child pretending to be an adult and I don't want to play anymore, it's too hard. I just want to draw. 

I used to tell people that I had Peter Pan syndrome and can never grow up, it was the only thing I could think of to excuse my jumping, clapping and spinning on chairs at work. Now I can't do any of that and I had no idea it would impact me, as I didn't know why I did any of that.