Published on 12, July, 2020
So, to preface, Mental Illness runs in my family. Addiction, depression, narcissism, etc.
I'm diagnosed with Autism (not mental illness but still), BPD and a number of anxiety disorders.
I simply cannot get along with my parents. My dad's a narcissist, his idea of love is treating us like property, treating us as if we are 5, and then buying us things. My mum is consistently angry. She blows up at the smallest of things. I can imagine this is my dad's fault, he isnt very nice to her. But somehow she will always take his side if I say anything to him.
Anyway, my mum is always angry. makes the biggest deals out of everything and if she is in a bad mood, everyone has to be. She doesn't get much help from my brothers, and im sick of being the only one who helps with anything.
I can't have a single conversation with them without an argument. It makes me feel so horrible. My mum has so much sympathy for others but none for me. Before school one day about 5 years ago, I had a panic attack and couldnt get on my school bus. she stood there shouting at me.
Suddenly, two weeks ago, her friends daughter is struggling to go to school due to anxiety. she was 'so worried' about her. but why not me? why is my struggle not enough?
Even through self harm, panic attacks, s*icidal thoughts, diagnoses etc, she still wont believe I have any mental illnesses. she just doesnt and wont accept it. I haven't even told her I'm diagnosed with autism since she would laugh and not believe me anyway.
It makes me so so upset. Im so jealous of people who have good relationships with their parents. Why am I not enough?
miaxx said:Im so jealous of people who have good relationships with their parents.
Can I ask how old you are, miaxx?
I’m 20. I know you’ll say when I’m older I’ll have a good relationship with them but we just don’t get along.
We disagree on everything, I’ve been invalidated my whole life. I don’t think I will ever forgive them.
I don’t think they like me as a person either
Remember, there is the saying that we become our parents.
That can be a good thing, or a bad thing, all depends on perspective. Ideally, take the good, and discard the bad. But if we dwell on things, and carry the anger and trauma with us, we'll likely become the thing we're trying to escape.
It can become an eternal cycle.
As they say, "Be the change"
Oh absolutely, I see lots of things I don't like about myself in my parents.
It reminds me to be more aware of my own behaviour.
You sound like a very intelligent and thoughtful young lady, miaxx. Love yourself more by concentrating less on the perceived shortcomings of others, including your parents, and focus all of your energy on the many ways you van validate, comfort and nurture yourself. When we treat ourselves with kindness and understanding, we set the standard for how others treat us. And, uncomfortable though it may feel, the moment we start to judge other people, we are in fact judging ourselves. The things we find deplorable in others are often the shadows within ourselves that we are unable to confront.Take care.
Yes, I get that.
I actually think I had quite a happy childhood, although I'm not sure I would call myself happy. I felt safe, albeit very misunderstood. I know my family were looking out for me, in their way. This was a time when neurological conditions and mental health weren't really a thing in peoples frame of reference.
But it was dysfunctional, and there were traumas, and so many secrets...
I don't blame my family for what they were. Looking back, I can see a long chain of undiagnosed conditions.
That is why I always try to view things from various angles. Many people just don't know they're doing something wrong, or don't know why, or don't know that there is something wrong with them, or just can't help it.
It is what it is. Only we can make changes, for ourselves.
I won't ever abandon my parents, no matter how much they may dislike me.
Maybe they don't, I don't know, but sometimes it feels like they do.
But the thought of them being alone is a horrible one for me, no matter what they do I don't think I could ever cut them out of my life.
They weren't terrible parents, just not amazing people.
I think I would vaguely like my mother if she weren't my mother. But my father is definitely not someone I would engage with if we weren't related.
True.
I don't think my dad was a narcissist. And I don't think anybody actually liked him. He died alone, not even with his children around him. No matter the cause, that's a tragic way to go.
It made me look very hard at my own behaviour, and how I treat people. And it helped me try to understand people better.
Not to excuse, nor forgive, just to understand...
My father is definitely a Narcissist. To everyone else he is loveable, funny, life of the party.
To the family he is antisocial, mean and lazy.
Narcissistic abuse is a leading reason in why people develop BPD which is why I think I was diagnosed with that as well as Autism.
He would never consider getting any professional help, he would think it was weak, and I'm pretty sure he think's he's perfect.
I agree that whilst you are born Autistic, or it is in your psyche from a child, trauma is definitely a leading factor. I don't know many Autistic people who haven't suffered some kind of trauma.
My father was also very mean and unpleasant. He also had no friends.
I think this is a common theme amongst many autistic people, one or both of their parents being mean and uncaring.
During my diagnosis, I was beginning to wonder if my dad was also autistic, or if he had unacknowledged undiagnosed psychological disorders (pretty obvious really), but my older siblings just think he was a c**t.
Nobody likes mean people, but sometimes it can be useful to try to understand why they might be mean. Not that it usually changes anything, but knowledge is power.
I do, unfortunately. I imagine my relationship may get better with them when I move out. But still, my father is very hard to get along with and can be very mean.
I don't like mean people much.
Well, it is possible that as you get older and experience more of life it may go some way towards improving your relationship with them. But then again, it may not. I asked your age because I wanted to get an idea if you were dependent upon them in any way. Do you live with your parents?