Can't get along with Parents.

It sounds like you’ve done a really good job getting your life back on track after a difficult start with your Dad and then other difficult life events. I’m really sorry that your ex-partner wasn’t understanding about your diagnosis - that’s awful.

So much of what you’ve written here is really positive though - I think you’ve achieved a lot - especially in light of the challenges you’ve had in the past. It sounds like you’ve worked hard to improve your life and you’ve turned things around - which is great and really admirable. 

These things are no small achievement and you should be proud of yourself :) 

thank you. Don't worry I'm not alone, though feeling lonely sometimes. I miss having someone around that I could hug tightly and just hold for comfort.

I don't know what was wrong with my dad, we never talked, he was drunk all the time, aggressive and physicaly abusive towards me, my mom, my sisters. He turned our childhood into nightmare. Mom pressured by her sibilings, and priests remained faithful to him and so we had to live together, until I turned 18 and run.

3 years ago my relationship ended after 10 years, though there was nothing romantic about it during last 5, and last 2 were more of a nightmare, constant quarells, she were initiating them to give me grieve that I'm not as I used to be, etc. and passive-aggressive response from me, and that was usualy not much, I've never told her anything bad. But it came up that she wasn't dealing with possibility of me being autistic very well, and in last quarell she told me ''I didn't sign up for a fuc...g asperger'', at that moment it hit me that it's over.

That was my only ever romantic relationshiip, and I'm serial monogamist, so it won't happen again, and I'm OK with that.

During my 14 years in UK I managed to make 3 friends, first one I met on my 3rd day in UK, second 5 years he started working in the same supermarket, third I met through my first friiend a year ago. Each of them serves a different purpose I described them in one sentenbce once as a sign of affection: ''Unburden your soul, so you could talk about modern philosophy and create art''.

I manage to organhise technical side of adult life pretty well, and I'm very good with finances, bills, obligations and saving, so that was never a problem. Unless of course I would lose a jjob while being unable to get a new one for a long time. But I had only 2 months unemployed since coming to UK. and my first friend who appears to be protective towards me is making sure that I stay able to do it mentaly.

So I have quite a comfortable life, I learnt how to cook and I eat well, I rent a spacious studio flat, I have a new PC, bike, more clothes than I really need, and so on.and nobody bothers me anymore on daily basis. I lack nothing material. In November I concluded that I started reciovering from burnout that was debilitating me for previous 2 years. My friends helped me a lot with that providing support and giving me courage to perservere.

Except without a job where I could use my talents it is only existence ... 

You obviously have quite a large extended family

I'm sorry to hear that your Dad died in that way. Alcohol numbs the pain - I don’t blame anyone who feels the need to do that. 

I hope that you have support in the U.K. - do you have friends here? It must be quite hard as an autistic person to move to a new country and not know anyone. You’ve done well to manage all the challenges that must bring with it.  

best wishes to you :) 

well badly was by my dad, he drunk himself finally to the death 8 years ago

my mom just do not understand that her expectations/emands how my life should look like are not realisticly achievable, and there is no support/advice/help from her in that area, only demands and grief. she is getting old (65 now) but she is still strong and able in mind and body so I reckon there is still many years ahead to find solutuion.

my 3 sisters, while we were close as kids our paths went separate in adolescence, they play moms themselves now and focus on their children, I have 5 nieces and 1 nephew now, I haven't seen youngest 3 of them, and I do not think they have fisnihed multiplying, so no support for me with mom, and they do not understand either, they are just more tollerant since they grew alongside of me.

I reckon I might get first ally when eldest of my nieces riches adulthood, maybe one of them will think about studying in UK? and they really like me, I was  always good uncle, and good with kids in general, family and strangers alike.

and then there is multitude of cousins, I suspect 2 of them to be autistic, maybe they will breach understanding with our family sooner? who knows.

I am not in a hurry, I plan to challange buddist monks in lifespan LOL

Yes Mariusz.  There can come a point when that can be the only way to protect your mental health and well being. In my case I didn’t want to do that - although I had short periods when I had to go ‘no contact’ just to get some space from it all. My parents are very old now and my Mum has dementia and doesn’t even know who I am. My Dad has mellowed a little bit - I think caring for my mum has brought out his ‘softer’ side. Or maybe the change is partly to do with age and him finally getting some semblance of wisdom ! Either way they are a little easier to be around now. My mum always so critical of everyone around her - it was not good. 
I hope that your life is happier and more peaceful for the decision you made to go ‘no contact’. No one deserves to be treated badly by their own family. 

Kate Kestrel said:

And if it gets REALLY bad - you can always cut off contact with them

that's what I decided to do eventually, 3 years and 9 months ago... My mom's attitude hasn't changed

Hi - I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. I also had parents who had a lot of issues and they were poor at parenting. My Mother (I eventually learned) is definitely a narcissist. And my Dad could not show love or affection to me at all. He spent all of his time trying to appease my Mother’s narcissist personality - so consequently no one in my family gave me affirmation and praise, or affection. I didn’t get many hugs, and didn’t feel loved or even liked by them most of the time. At the time I didn’t know I was autistic. It’s only as I’ve got to be older and have more distance from them that I’ve realised what dysfunctional environment I was growing up in. They were also VERY argumentative people - my Mother would even start an argument just because she was bored. They also could never apologise - I don’t think I’ve ever heard them say sorry to me about anything.  Very weird. My Dad can’t say ‘thank you’ to me either - he can say it to other people - I hear him do that! - but not to me, even if I really go out of my way to help him or do something nice for him.
So I can really relate to some of what you describe here. 

I’m guessing that I might be older than you perhaps - and I would say that as you get older it’s easier to get some emotional distance from the way your parents treat you. There are also lots of good books about dealing with Toxic parents which can help you to understand what’s behind their weird behaviour. Essentially your parents are damaged people and they are not able (or willing) to parent properly. It’s not really anything to do with you on one level - they were emotionally f**ked up way before you were even born. However they are still responsible for their choices and how they treat you - so it’s not an excuse on any level.

NO ONE - WHETHER THEY ARE YOUR PARENT OR NOT - HAS THE RIGHT TO TREAT YOU BADLY. 

Always remember that. 

If they treat you badly I would calmly say to them something like - ‘i don’t think that’s a very kind way to speak to me - it hurts my feelings so please don’t do that’. The key is to keep calm. If they are nasty to you then be the better person (because you probably are by the sound of it!). 

I remember one thing that I found very useful to remember - it said ‘dysfunctional and narcissistic parents are essentially not mentally well. When dealing with them in your mind imagine that you are wearing a white coat - that you are a doctor looking at a mentally unwell patient. Observe their behaviour objectively and dispassionately- as if you are a scientist studying them. In that way you can keep a sense of distance and not take it personally.’

So when you’re with your parents and they are behaving in the strange and unhealthy ways they are - mentally put on that White coat! 

Also - on the bright side - they are teaching you how NOT to parent your own children! That’s one silver lining! 
I did the opposite to my parents - with my own children I’ve been loving, affectionate, patient, quiet and calm in how I speak to them - and most of all : I RESPECT THEM. 

I wish you well and I’m sorry you haven’t got better parents. It’s a lottery I’m afraid - and you didn’t get the best prize. However you can over come the negativity you have grown up with - and you’ll be all the wiser for what you learn from it. I know it’s painful and upsetting to grow up with people like that - and I’m sorry. However do all you can to rescue your self esteem (because it can damage our self-esteem) and don’t  let their craziness define you. 

And if it gets REALLY bad - you can always cut off contact with them - either temporarily or permanent. You have that option. That might well not be necessary, it might not be what you want, but you have that option if you feel the way they treat you is something you cannot tolerate. If it’s damaging your mental health you have every right to cease contact with them.

However I hope that’s not necessary- as it’s a big step that shouldn’t be taken lightly. Only you know what you truly need and want to do.

good luck! 

sounds like my mum too

Remember, there is the saying that we become our parents.

That can be a good thing, or a bad thing, all depends on perspective. Ideally, take the good, and discard the bad. But if we dwell on things, and carry the anger and trauma with us, we'll likely become the thing we're trying to escape.

It can become an eternal cycle.

As they say, "Be the change"

Oh absolutely, I see lots of things I don't like about myself in my parents.

It reminds me to be more aware of my own behaviour.

You sound like a very intelligent and thoughtful young lady, miaxx. Love yourself more by concentrating less on the perceived shortcomings of others, including your parents, and focus all of your energy on the many ways you van validate, comfort and nurture yourself.  When we treat ourselves with kindness and understanding, we set the standard for how others treat us. And, uncomfortable though it may feel, the moment we start to judge other people, we are in fact judging ourselves. The things we find deplorable in others are often the shadows within ourselves that we are unable to confront.

Take care.

Yes, I get that.

I actually think I had quite a happy childhood, although I'm not sure I would call myself happy. I felt safe, albeit very misunderstood. I know my family were looking out for me, in their way. This was a time when neurological conditions and mental health weren't really a thing in peoples frame of reference.

But it was dysfunctional, and there were traumas, and so many secrets...

I don't blame my family for what they were. Looking back, I can see a long chain of undiagnosed conditions.

That is why I always try to view things from various angles. Many people just don't know they're doing something wrong, or don't know why, or don't know that there is something wrong with them, or just can't help it.

It is what it is. Only we can make changes, for ourselves.

I won't ever abandon my parents, no matter how much they may dislike me.

Maybe they don't, I don't know, but sometimes it feels like they do.

But the thought of them being alone is a horrible one for me, no matter what they do I don't think I could ever cut them out of my life.

They weren't terrible parents, just not amazing people.

I think I would vaguely like my mother if she weren't my mother. But my father is definitely not someone I would engage with if we weren't related.

True.

I don't think my dad was a narcissist. And I don't think anybody actually liked him. He died alone, not even with his children around him. No matter the cause, that's a tragic way to go.

It made me look very hard at my own behaviour, and how I treat people. And it helped me try to understand people better.

Not to excuse, nor forgive, just to understand...

My father is definitely a Narcissist. To everyone else he is loveable, funny, life of the party.

To the family he is antisocial, mean and lazy.

Narcissistic abuse is a leading reason in why people develop BPD which is why I think I was diagnosed with that as well as Autism. 

He would never consider getting any professional help, he would think it was weak, and I'm pretty sure he think's he's perfect.

I agree that whilst you are born Autistic, or it is in your psyche from a child, trauma is definitely a leading factor. I don't know many Autistic people who haven't suffered some kind of trauma.

My father was also very mean and unpleasant. He also had no friends.

I think this is a common theme amongst many autistic people, one or both of their parents being mean and uncaring.

During my diagnosis, I was beginning to wonder if my dad was also autistic, or if he had unacknowledged undiagnosed psychological disorders (pretty obvious really), but my older siblings just think he was a c**t.

Nobody likes mean people, but sometimes it can be useful to try to understand why they might be mean. Not that it usually changes anything, but knowledge is power.

I do, unfortunately. I imagine my relationship may get better with them when I move out. But still, my father is very hard to get along with and can be very mean.

I don't like mean people much.

Well, it is possible that as you get older and experience more of life it may go some way towards improving your relationship with them. But then again, it may not.  I asked your age because I wanted to get an idea if you were dependent upon them in any way. Do you live with your parents? 

I’m 20. I know you’ll say when I’m older I’ll have a good relationship with them but we just don’t get along. 

We disagree on everything, I’ve been invalidated my whole life. I don’t think I will ever forgive them.

I don’t think they like me as a person either

miaxx said:

Im so jealous of people who have good relationships with their parents.

Can I ask how old you are, miaxx?