Please help me understand self-loathing and low self-esteem

For me general anxiety and depression, over stimulation, not being able to process interactions with people fast enough in the moment and just living a life of not being accepted by people.

The constant strange looks when I accidentally say something that is 'socially unacceptable' people telling me that I shouldn't have said this or done that. Rejection from from people of both sexes for reasons that I don't realise until days or weeks later when I realise what I did was 'wrong'.

It all made me so scared of my self in way because my social filter is "faulty" as much as plan scripts in my head when I'm in the moment my brain can't alway access what I need because I'm just trying so hard to be "normal" it causes a lasting impact on how I think about myself I struggle massively with my own identity and not knowing which "side" of me is the real me, I desperately want to be the social Butterly with friends to talk to, go out with, drink with, party with etc etc but at the same time I don't want to be that person because I don't know if that's what I really want and when I'm presented with that opportunity I find my self feeling so anxious about it that I could pass out. So as I said it causes a massive on how I think about myself and it makes me so confused about my self and I hate myself for that because I wish that I could just know what I want but I don't and I don't think I ever will and it affects every waking moment I have.

I too would prefer to be more sociable. In fact, I can be quite sociable, but it usually leaves me worn out, or confused, and sometimes things go wrong and it doesn't work out at all.

I am quite happy be a loner, but I do have my concerns for older age. It is well known that a good social network is important for health and mental wellbeing as one moves into older age. Of course, it's important at any stage of life, but there are inevitabilities as we age and having a social group is supposed to be a good survival tool.

I hope I can sort it out before it's too late.

Do you think you are blaming yourself too much for the way you feel, which in turn creates a feedback loop?

Would trying to change mental or emotional priorities help at all?

Again, not an attack or a judgement. I'm honestly try to learn how this works.

There seems to be a lot of focus on being broken/faulty but viewed from an emotional level. Yes, we are all objectively dysfunctional in one way or another, but is that really a bad thing?

More importantly, is it really our fault?

If it is not really our fault, or is difficult to control, should we really be punishing ourselves over it? I don't think so.

Again, thanks for your reply. Every little bit helps me try to understand how other people think and feel, so that I might try to be less insensitive. I tend to assume everybody thinks like me.

As an aside, did you take a look at that adhd/focus video I posted about? 

It's got some really interesting info in it.

cheers.

Firstly... I don't mind you asking so don't worry about that.

In a way I am blaming myself but it essentially is because my own mind is against me most of the time. I do understand that people should be more understanding when it comes to people being on the spectrum but it's not something I go around telling everyone I ever meet I keep it close to the chest so to speak. It's a private thing for me.

As I said my own identity is one of the main things if not the main thing I struggle with I don't really know how to explain it very well but I guess I could say that I confuse myself a lot about what kind of person I am I never really know what I want from myself and from my life in a very general way but an example would be, I want to have friends, I want to be social but I also am so bad at "friends" and I also hate having to put up with people I just find it really hard even though I wish I didn't and some days I can go either way and be fine and others not.

Everyone around me in family know what they want from themselves and what they want from their lives and they know how to do it and that's that. They are all very open about what's going on with the they talk about struggles they have but it's never anything to do with themselves just things happening to them externally from work or friends etc. I know people could say "yeah but you never know what is happening in peoples head" and that's true but when it comes to my family members I know what they are like and I know what is going on in their lives.

I would like to be able to change my emotional and mental priorities but I really don't know what they would be because they change LITERALLY hourly and daily. It doesn't help either that I am extremely "good" at masking I do think if I told my mum for example how hard I struggle constantly she would have a melt down, she cares so much about me but she has been through so much throughout her life I don't want to put her through my struggles too.

And yes I have just started listening to the podcast now I'm 15 mins in now

Me neither, from what I have read it's all pretty much the same, that it works well but after long term use you build up a tolerance and/or withdrawal (in some cases) ultimately pills are just a tool to treat the symptoms of the issue and not something to actually address the cause.

Yep. I don't know anyone that has actually taking that kind of stuff that has positive things to say.

They've said not to touch it.

I'd rather go the behavioural/environmental route. Try to create systems that help.

I'd gone down the self medicating route when I was younger (not knowing I was self medicating) but my more is better mindset meant that got really messy, really fast.

I even forget to eat

Haha same, I'd be much more likely to do something to self medicate if I done my own research and I felt comfortable with it. and taking tings like Adderall or sertraline constantly aren't good for you if you take them long term.

Yeah, I'm wary of it too.

I've manged this far without. Hey, I even forget to eat so I'd probably not remember to take meds anyway,

I generally prefer to find out what something is so that I can work out ways of handling it. A kind of problem solving...

That's cool I think I will get a tattoo at some point.

I wouldn't want to take medication if I don't have to it would be a last resort.

That's cool I think I will get a tattoo at some point.

I wouldn't want to take medication if I don't have to it would be a last resort.

Me neither, from what I have read it's all pretty much the same, that it works well but after long term use you build up a tolerance and/or withdrawal (in some cases) ultimately pills are just a tool to treat the symptoms of the issue and not something to actually address the cause.

Yep. I don't know anyone that has actually taking that kind of stuff that has positive things to say.

They've said not to touch it.

I'd rather go the behavioural/environmental route. Try to create systems that help.

I'd gone down the self medicating route when I was younger (not knowing I was self medicating) but my more is better mindset meant that got really messy, really fast.

I even forget to eat

Haha same, I'd be much more likely to do something to self medicate if I done my own research and I felt comfortable with it. and taking tings like Adderall or sertraline constantly aren't good for you if you take them long term.

Yeah, I'm wary of it too.

I've manged this far without. Hey, I even forget to eat so I'd probably not remember to take meds anyway,

I generally prefer to find out what something is so that I can work out ways of handling it. A kind of problem solving...