Please help me understand self-loathing and low self-esteem

For me general anxiety and depression, over stimulation, not being able to process interactions with people fast enough in the moment and just living a life of not being accepted by people.

The constant strange looks when I accidentally say something that is 'socially unacceptable' people telling me that I shouldn't have said this or done that. Rejection from from people of both sexes for reasons that I don't realise until days or weeks later when I realise what I did was 'wrong'.

It all made me so scared of my self in way because my social filter is "faulty" as much as plan scripts in my head when I'm in the moment my brain can't alway access what I need because I'm just trying so hard to be "normal" it causes a lasting impact on how I think about myself I struggle massively with my own identity and not knowing which "side" of me is the real me, I desperately want to be the social Butterly with friends to talk to, go out with, drink with, party with etc etc but at the same time I don't want to be that person because I don't know if that's what I really want and when I'm presented with that opportunity I find my self feeling so anxious about it that I could pass out. So as I said it causes a massive on how I think about myself and it makes me so confused about my self and I hate myself for that because I wish that I could just know what I want but I don't and I don't think I ever will and it affects every waking moment I have.

I too would prefer to be more sociable. In fact, I can be quite sociable, but it usually leaves me worn out, or confused, and sometimes things go wrong and it doesn't work out at all.

I am quite happy be a loner, but I do have my concerns for older age. It is well known that a good social network is important for health and mental wellbeing as one moves into older age. Of course, it's important at any stage of life, but there are inevitabilities as we age and having a social group is supposed to be a good survival tool.

I hope I can sort it out before it's too late.

Do you think you are blaming yourself too much for the way you feel, which in turn creates a feedback loop?

Would trying to change mental or emotional priorities help at all?

Again, not an attack or a judgement. I'm honestly try to learn how this works.

There seems to be a lot of focus on being broken/faulty but viewed from an emotional level. Yes, we are all objectively dysfunctional in one way or another, but is that really a bad thing?

More importantly, is it really our fault?

If it is not really our fault, or is difficult to control, should we really be punishing ourselves over it? I don't think so.

Again, thanks for your reply. Every little bit helps me try to understand how other people think and feel, so that I might try to be less insensitive. I tend to assume everybody thinks like me.

As an aside, did you take a look at that adhd/focus video I posted about? 

It's got some really interesting info in it.

cheers.

Firstly... I don't mind you asking so don't worry about that.

In a way I am blaming myself but it essentially is because my own mind is against me most of the time. I do understand that people should be more understanding when it comes to people being on the spectrum but it's not something I go around telling everyone I ever meet I keep it close to the chest so to speak. It's a private thing for me.

As I said my own identity is one of the main things if not the main thing I struggle with I don't really know how to explain it very well but I guess I could say that I confuse myself a lot about what kind of person I am I never really know what I want from myself and from my life in a very general way but an example would be, I want to have friends, I want to be social but I also am so bad at "friends" and I also hate having to put up with people I just find it really hard even though I wish I didn't and some days I can go either way and be fine and others not.

Everyone around me in family know what they want from themselves and what they want from their lives and they know how to do it and that's that. They are all very open about what's going on with the they talk about struggles they have but it's never anything to do with themselves just things happening to them externally from work or friends etc. I know people could say "yeah but you never know what is happening in peoples head" and that's true but when it comes to my family members I know what they are like and I know what is going on in their lives.

I would like to be able to change my emotional and mental priorities but I really don't know what they would be because they change LITERALLY hourly and daily. It doesn't help either that I am extremely "good" at masking I do think if I told my mum for example how hard I struggle constantly she would have a melt down, she cares so much about me but she has been through so much throughout her life I don't want to put her through my struggles too.

And yes I have just started listening to the podcast now I'm 15 mins in now

Firstly... I don't mind you asking so don't worry about that.

In a way I am blaming myself but it essentially is because my own mind is against me most of the time. I do understand that people should be more understanding when it comes to people being on the spectrum but it's not something I go around telling everyone I ever meet I keep it close to the chest so to speak. It's a private thing for me.

As I said my own identity is one of the main things if not the main thing I struggle with I don't really know how to explain it very well but I guess I could say that I confuse myself a lot about what kind of person I am I never really know what I want from myself and from my life in a very general way but an example would be, I want to have friends, I want to be social but I also am so bad at "friends" and I also hate having to put up with people I just find it really hard even though I wish I didn't and some days I can go either way and be fine and others not.

Everyone around me in family know what they want from themselves and what they want from their lives and they know how to do it and that's that. They are all very open about what's going on with the they talk about struggles they have but it's never anything to do with themselves just things happening to them externally from work or friends etc. I know people could say "yeah but you never know what is happening in peoples head" and that's true but when it comes to my family members I know what they are like and I know what is going on in their lives.

I would like to be able to change my emotional and mental priorities but I really don't know what they would be because they change LITERALLY hourly and daily. It doesn't help either that I am extremely "good" at masking I do think if I told my mum for example how hard I struggle constantly she would have a melt down, she cares so much about me but she has been through so much throughout her life I don't want to put her through my struggles too.

And yes I have just started listening to the podcast now I'm 15 mins in now

Me neither, from what I have read it's all pretty much the same, that it works well but after long term use you build up a tolerance and/or withdrawal (in some cases) ultimately pills are just a tool to treat the symptoms of the issue and not something to actually address the cause.

Yep. I don't know anyone that has actually taking that kind of stuff that has positive things to say.

They've said not to touch it.

I'd rather go the behavioural/environmental route. Try to create systems that help.

I'd gone down the self medicating route when I was younger (not knowing I was self medicating) but my more is better mindset meant that got really messy, really fast.

I even forget to eat

Haha same, I'd be much more likely to do something to self medicate if I done my own research and I felt comfortable with it. and taking tings like Adderall or sertraline constantly aren't good for you if you take them long term.

Yeah, I'm wary of it too.

I've manged this far without. Hey, I even forget to eat so I'd probably not remember to take meds anyway,

I generally prefer to find out what something is so that I can work out ways of handling it. A kind of problem solving...

That's cool I think I will get a tattoo at some point.

I wouldn't want to take medication if I don't have to it would be a last resort.

Indeed, no two people are the same.

My work and my personal interests are intertwined. Artist, I do tattooing, sculpture, and occasionally painting.

Cool, I'm following up the ADHD just to find out. I like to know about things. I like things to be relatively definitive. And there's the possibility of meds, which I've been told could come in useful. Not that I'm seeking medication...

I think the difference between us is that I usually become angry and frustrated, rather than anxious and depressed. But it's still a negati

That’s just because we’re two different people.

if you don’t mind me asking, what is that you for for a living?

I've not been diagnosed ADHD. I was told that during my ASD assessments I also showed cardinal ADHD traits and should probably seek a diagnosis.

I was also told the same thing during my ASD assessment but I’m not sure if I’ll pursue a diagnosis but we’ll see.

I totally get it 

(apart from a the anxiety and depression, but that's more about me than anyone else)

I've not been diagnosed ADHD. I was told that during my ASD assessments I also showed cardinal ADHD traits and should probably seek a diagnosis.

My interest in things drops like a stone. I've wasted so much money as a result, not good,

Although I've been doing my job for 20yrs (self-employed) every day is different, with a new challenge, which keeps it relatively interesting. However, I can lose interest in a task within an hour of starting it, regardless of whether I was excited or not.

I've been fighting it my entire career, and have wanted to quit ever since I started. Most of my colleagues don't get it at all because they absolutely love what they do.

I think the difference between us is that I usually become angry and frustrated, rather than anxious and depressed. But it's still a negative response.

One thing that has helped me a little is to try to split my schedule into chunks, whether that be days, weeks, months. Then prioritise certain interests for those chunks. Allow as much freedom as possible, to make room for mood swings etc.

This is much easier to do if you are self-employed, but it still takes a very long time to achieve.

Maybe that is something worth thinking about. Rather than pursuing employment, try self employment. Try to create something that you have more control over. Something that fits with the ebb and flow of your interest and motivation.

It's hard work, but it can be done.

Masking is a defence mechanism for me and the annoying thing is that I can't really control it it's almost more effort to drop to charade I don't have an ADHD diagnosis it's only been the last week or so I've been thinking about it because I came a cross some info online about it.

It's like you say I have two parts of me like an aspie side of order, control and absolute focus and then an ADHD side of impulsivity, distraction and typical ADHD "symptoms" and they are in a tug of war constantly.

And yes I do feel like I'm constantly being pulled in different directions by my own mind both involuntarily and voluntarily and again the same by the outside world, I struggle to stick to things for longer than 6 months to a year. I'll develop a deep, deep interest in something (will almost certainly invest money into it too) and then I will wake up one day just feeling completely bored by whatever that may be and then I kick my self for it but I just can't help it and the sad thing is too is that I can almost feel it coming on sometimes

I'm also so uncertain about my future as a result when it comes to work. I've never been satisfied with work for longer than a year and it's not like how people describe like how they love their new job but they get used to it and they just get on with it after that until/if (if they're lucky enough) they find something new. I get such an immense feeling of boredom, tediousness and monotony that I fall into depression and my anxiety goes through the roof and it turns me into a shell of man really.

It's not fun... at all.

Thanks again.

You know, much of what you wrote is not too far from my own experiences, apart from the family thing. My parents shuffled off a long time ago and I rarely speak to my siblings (they have their own stuff to deal with anyway) So I only really have my partner of many years. Somehow, she tolerates me.

The social thing, I totally get it. I like being sociable, but even when I try I start getting bored really quickly. Whether it's a sense of not fitting in, or finding the conversations tedious, or just realising I have little in common with them, it happens every time.

As for identity, same thing. I have interests, maybe too many interests. But none of them are fascinating enough for me to chase long term (apart from my job because there are obvious practical reasons to keep doing that)  I literally have no idea what I want to do with my life and I'll be 50 in a few weeks.

All I've ever really wanted to do is exist. So I get the problem of not really having a solid idea of identity, at least not one based around the norms of work, achievement, ambition etc. But I think they are odd ways of identifying oneself anyway.

One difference is I don't think I'm very good at masking, but I don't try very hard.

Also, whether the diagnosis is disclosed or not shouldn't make a difference (in an ideal world), people should try to be understanding of each other, regardless.

We're on a very similar diagnosis journey, ASD--->ADHD.

Do you feel like you're being pulled in many directions at once?

Part of me wants routine and stability/order and definitions, the other part is impulsive, easily distracted and seeks stimulus, adventure, and chaos. I think these two conditions are somehow at odds with each other, making it incredibly difficult to make decisions, know what we want, and even know who/what we are.

I'm not even sure I think of my 'self' very often because I don't know what/who that is.

To be honest, I think we're quite similar in many ways, but we have just dealt with the internal conflict differently.

Thanks for the input...