Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
I'm new here, am just looking into getting myself diagnosed, as I have recently realised that some of my issues could be related to ASD. I first started researching ASD as I think my partner is also affected and it kind of hit me like a ton of bricks when I realised that actually I am exactly the same, and the main thing for me is that I always have been, and the issues I am having with crippling anxiety and depression could have another cause.( I struggle with being concise and keeping to the point, and also getting what my actual point is across so I'll do my best here)
The problems I am having in my life are as follows:
Severe social anxiety, and moderate general anxiety. (Had these all my life and they have got gradually worse as I got older). I can only cope with social situations by drinking alcohol. Been unable to work all my life, other than part time self employed from home, this work became full time a few years ago and I couldn't cope, I realised that I couldn't deal with distractions at all, if the dog barked when I was in the middle of something that would be it, I would have to stop as I would feel totally overwhelmed, get angry and it would take me ages to be able to get back to it.
When I am around other people I have a sense that I am being a fake person, I can be a different person depending on who I am with, I don't know who I actually am, I realised this just recently. I don't deliberately try to be fake, it just happens. I can never relax.
I don't have any proper friends, I've gone through life never having proper friends. I don't know how you be friends with someone, I guessed you have to share and talk about how you feel, and tried to but it just feels weird and embarrassing, I don't feel any 'pleasure' from being with friends, I would rather be alone. At school I was always on my own, in the library reading books on human behaviour and psychology, I felt like I was outside looking in, really wanted to be 'inside' but even when someone included me I didn't feel a part of it. I didn't get all the chat, and boys, and hair and make up. I remember looking up how to make normal eye contact when I was about 13, I was aware that it felt funny, and I didn't know if I was doing it right, at the time I thought this was normal and that everyone felt the same. I feel lonely.
I cannot talk about how I feel if it is anything significant or important (emotionally), I can say I'm hungry and tired or bored etc , but I cannot say I am disappointed or unhappy or angry ,if its to the person I am angry/disappointed/unhappy with. I've been treated badly by people in the past and I feel like a mute at times as I cannot speak up for myself, I will just shut down, cut them from my life and never speak again. I've been cheated on numerous times in previous relationships, and I didn't feel like splitting up with them was my choice, me ending a relationship was (is) too scary, I think this is my lack of being able to express myself emotionally and also a desperate need to keep things the same. This is really damaging my relationship.
I really struggle with change or sudden things being thrown on me, change makes me feel scared and sudden things been thrown on me makes me feel anger and panic.
I really struggle to see the bigger picture, and get so tied up in detail that I baffle myself and confuse myself so much that I don't know what I am trying to get across anymore and give up (a bit like writing this!) If I need to buy something I will research it to death considering every single variable, making list after list, staying up until the early hours obsessed with it, and I'll get to the point I just cant think anymore. If I am trying to write how I feel or speak to the doctor, before I go in I'll have an idea what I want to say, but as soon as I feel stressed I cant find the right words, and the point I was trying to make has gone, I don't even know what the point is anymore. If I am going somewhere or doing something I have to plan and research every single detail. The more anxious I am generally, the worse this gets.
I hate hugs or any physical contact if I'm honest. I don't get it, I get nothing out of it, a hug doesn't make anything better it just makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable. Same with talking about a problem of any kind, that doesn't help either, it just means another person knows how you feel which is also embarrassing.
There is probably loads I have missed, sorry for the huge post!
I don't know if this is ASD or not, but I'm going to get assessed for my own piece of mind. Thanks for reading
Thank you Ellie, indeed it did, I always have one headphone in. Pruning wisteria up a ladder in the sun and 26+ degrees is not my idea of fun though! I really really hate the heat and seem to suffer in it more than everyone else. But I have cheered up from earlier, just reading all this stuff helps.
Glad your back Spotty...
hope the gardening and Marconi on 6 music helped :)
I'm glad you have found us too. There is some kind of security in numbers. I've done CBT in the past and ultimately it made me feel worse because I worked at it diligently but didn't manage or feel better at the end. I suspect that unless it is done from the perspective of ASD it is kind of pointless.
There are lots of lovely people here and quiet a lot of women on the same journey as us...
stick around kid!
Finally...don't forget that this has been rattling in your head for a while and you have analysed and over analysed...so make sure you give time for your partner to process everything and is comtfortable to ask questions...
the bit I find difficult is working out what is ME and what is the ASPIE me :)
Thanks Elephant I'll have a look at that. I appreciate your advice, thanks
In terms of my partner, I used this list and highlighted the bits I related to....then explained in terms of "because of this, I behave or do this sometimes" - try to make them feel positive though...it is not a blame thing....it just is what it is
https://taniaannmarshall.wordpress.com/2013/03/26/moving-towards-a-female-profile-the-unique-characteristics-abilities-and-talents-of-asperwomen-adult-women-with-asperger-syndrome/
My house I also call my sanctuary....i have one son who Skype his mates a lot and I try to encourage his sociability. Skype is good as his old friends from his primary school live quite a distance away....he gets to chat and laugh....I keep my sanctuary. They do come over and stay from time to time...but are of the age that they are pretty self f sufficient as long as I feed them!
That has just reminded me of something elephant, when my kids were growing up I would come up with any excuse to not have their friends to stay over, my house is my little sanctuary and I hate having other people in it. I don't really know how, or even if, I should try and bring it up with my partner.
I have spoken to him....and he's getting there...I am trying to get him to be more mindful about his behaviour and how it can impact....
i.e me taking things literally and he's just joking,,,,he is also very sociable ..so prone to inviting people over, which is very kind...but I need more time to deal with things like that...
he's sort of ok about talking here...but I think he feels a bit pushed out.. bless him
I'm 42 too Elephant. Things have been more pronounced over the last few years as well for me. I've made an appointment with axia-asd to be assessed in November, I took the huge step of calling them earlier on today, so hopefully I should know for sure in a few months. I'm waiting for CBT on the NHS and have been waiting almost 12 months already, so hopefully I will be having CBT when I go for diagnosis so they can help me through. Have you spoken to your husband about ASD (If you don't mind me asking?)
I think it gets more pronounced when you realise that there is a gap or lack of strategies present to cope with.
i'm 42 and things have more prounced over the last couple of years....I initially thought it was a mid life crisis, peri-menopausal thing...
i have done lots of research....next step is now what to do and how to move forward x
Yes that makes perfect sense. I'm not as far down the path of self understanding yet, I know now that I am afraid of being vulnerable and that things that other people do daily without a second thought, and they actually enjoy doing, make me feel vulnerable, but I don't know why I feel like that. I am isolated too Elephant, but have the same craving to fit in. OMG the over analysing I am so bad and the older I get the worse it is getting. Sorry your husband doesn't understand :(
I find that I don't want to expose myself as vulnerable to others as I don't want to be hurt by people and leave myself over exposed.
i know that I am mis-wired and wonky..so am also fearful of rejection from others....I am isolated, my behaviour can be very self-isolating (sometimes due to fear, sometimes shame) but I crave to belong and to fit...,I am slowly becoming aware that I am what I am....people don't necessarily understand....(my husband calls me a "silly cow")
i tentatively reach out to people, then over-analyse and then shut down the communication with that person if I feel too exposed.
does that make sense?
I should clarify, I do say 'sorry', I say it probably a hundred times a day, when I bump into someone or am in the way etc, but to 'apologise' feels different somehow.
Yes empathy and sympathy are very confusing, I 'think' I feel empathy, I'm a very caring person, I always wonder 'how would the other person feel' if I did or said something. I don't want to hurt anyone, I go out of my way not to hurt anyone. Just thinking out loud, I think that my issue is when I don't have much time to judge my reaction, Like if I'm txting someone to say I cant meet them, I'll know to be careful what I say, maybe a little white lie is needed (my partner is different he would just tell the truth), I learnt that the hard way at high school (long story), that usually goes fine. But if a situation that doesn't involve me, say my daughter is really upset by a friend, that makes me feel angry, and then I cannot consider how I 'should' react because my emotion is taken over and I react in a more ASD way, I might shout at daughter for putting herself in to that position, then I realise I was wrong to shout, but I cant apologise, because to be wrong is too awkward/embarrassing/painful (weird!). My daughter said to me jokingly last week 'apologise then' and I said no. She said you never apologise, and I denied this and said yes I do! But Then thought about what she said, and realised that I actually don't! To apologise makes me feel vulnerable, and I don't know why. (sorry gone off on a tangent there!)
So pleased you've joined us :)
Thanks for the reply Spotty Tortoise, so glad to have found you all.
Thanks Ellie, It was hard to write (deleted it about 20 times lol), but feels so good that I managed to get across what I mean, and for other people to say they understand, really means a lot.
Spotty Tortoise said: The tonne of bricks on realisation still feel very real too
Very true......