Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
I'm new here, am just looking into getting myself diagnosed, as I have recently realised that some of my issues could be related to ASD. I first started researching ASD as I think my partner is also affected and it kind of hit me like a ton of bricks when I realised that actually I am exactly the same, and the main thing for me is that I always have been, and the issues I am having with crippling anxiety and depression could have another cause.( I struggle with being concise and keeping to the point, and also getting what my actual point is across so I'll do my best here)
The problems I am having in my life are as follows:
Severe social anxiety, and moderate general anxiety. (Had these all my life and they have got gradually worse as I got older). I can only cope with social situations by drinking alcohol. Been unable to work all my life, other than part time self employed from home, this work became full time a few years ago and I couldn't cope, I realised that I couldn't deal with distractions at all, if the dog barked when I was in the middle of something that would be it, I would have to stop as I would feel totally overwhelmed, get angry and it would take me ages to be able to get back to it.
When I am around other people I have a sense that I am being a fake person, I can be a different person depending on who I am with, I don't know who I actually am, I realised this just recently. I don't deliberately try to be fake, it just happens. I can never relax.
I don't have any proper friends, I've gone through life never having proper friends. I don't know how you be friends with someone, I guessed you have to share and talk about how you feel, and tried to but it just feels weird and embarrassing, I don't feel any 'pleasure' from being with friends, I would rather be alone. At school I was always on my own, in the library reading books on human behaviour and psychology, I felt like I was outside looking in, really wanted to be 'inside' but even when someone included me I didn't feel a part of it. I didn't get all the chat, and boys, and hair and make up. I remember looking up how to make normal eye contact when I was about 13, I was aware that it felt funny, and I didn't know if I was doing it right, at the time I thought this was normal and that everyone felt the same. I feel lonely.
I cannot talk about how I feel if it is anything significant or important (emotionally), I can say I'm hungry and tired or bored etc , but I cannot say I am disappointed or unhappy or angry ,if its to the person I am angry/disappointed/unhappy with. I've been treated badly by people in the past and I feel like a mute at times as I cannot speak up for myself, I will just shut down, cut them from my life and never speak again. I've been cheated on numerous times in previous relationships, and I didn't feel like splitting up with them was my choice, me ending a relationship was (is) too scary, I think this is my lack of being able to express myself emotionally and also a desperate need to keep things the same. This is really damaging my relationship.
I really struggle with change or sudden things being thrown on me, change makes me feel scared and sudden things been thrown on me makes me feel anger and panic.
I really struggle to see the bigger picture, and get so tied up in detail that I baffle myself and confuse myself so much that I don't know what I am trying to get across anymore and give up (a bit like writing this!) If I need to buy something I will research it to death considering every single variable, making list after list, staying up until the early hours obsessed with it, and I'll get to the point I just cant think anymore. If I am trying to write how I feel or speak to the doctor, before I go in I'll have an idea what I want to say, but as soon as I feel stressed I cant find the right words, and the point I was trying to make has gone, I don't even know what the point is anymore. If I am going somewhere or doing something I have to plan and research every single detail. The more anxious I am generally, the worse this gets.
I hate hugs or any physical contact if I'm honest. I don't get it, I get nothing out of it, a hug doesn't make anything better it just makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable. Same with talking about a problem of any kind, that doesn't help either, it just means another person knows how you feel which is also embarrassing.
There is probably loads I have missed, sorry for the huge post!
I don't know if this is ASD or not, but I'm going to get assessed for my own piece of mind. Thanks for reading
Reading my post back I really haven't got across most of what I wanted too. I have done the AQ10 and scored 7. I did another test I think the AQ and scored 38. I forgot to say I didn't 'get' imaginative play as a child, one thing that sticks in my mind was being given a sindy doll, car, horse etc one Christmas and I remember thinking how stupid it was, and what are you supposed to 'do' with it. I tried to 'play' with it but just didn't get it, and It was thrown in a cupboard.
I have a really bad imagination still now. I have what they call face blindness, I cant recognise people until I have seen them quite a few times. I have a terrible sense of direction, and get lost a lot. I hate speaking on the phone.
Hi miamoo,
Wow - a lot of identification with what you say here. I have differences, as we all do - namely, my imagination, and I have been able to work throughout my life (though in many jobs and with some long-term bouts of sickness). Other than that - the social anxiety (and use of alcohol), the lack of friends, the depressions and general anxiety (all rooted, I feel, in my ASD). I don't take any real pleasure from friendships. In fact, I find them quite embarrassing. If anyone seems to 'take' to me as a friend, I end up wondering what their motive is. When I'm not at work, I spend my weekends and days off alone at home - just me and the cat. I only go out if I have to. My 'community' is online. My interests are mainly computer-based (writing, image editing, social media). When I'm at my PC, I'm relaxed and in control. In relationships, it usually goes wrong very quickly - largely because I can't really manage with cohabitation. It disturbs my psyche. But then, when it comes to an end, I find that hard to cope with as well. I've stopped looking for one now. I'm better off as I am. Other things... yes, a terrible sense of direction or spatial awareness. If I go around a couple of corners, I have no idea which way I'm facing, or where I am in relation to where I was. And I don't like the phone. I prefer to talk to others by email or text.
Your score of 38 is certainly indicative. I scored 41. It's good that you've decided to pursue things further. I'm glad I did. On the whole, getting my diagnosis has been positive for me. It's given me answers and allowed me to make sense of so much in my life.
Good luck with it.
Tom
Thanks for the reply Tom, its taken me all my life (I'm 42) to just realise that other people feel differently to me, that was a shock in itself, I never considered that. Even when I realised I could have ASD I thought no, 'other people' have ASD and they have no empathy, I have empathy, too much empathy, I cant watch a sad programme or hear a sad story without crying! empathy!. But then I realised that when I reply to an online post, or someone in real life tells me a problem I don't naturally empathise, my instinct is to tell them how to solve the problem or tell them what they did wrong to get themselves into that situation in the first place, I am trying to stop this, but it just leaves me with nothing to say. I'm still working it all out in my own head its so confusing. I have made an appointment for assessment in November so should know one way or another.
There are lots of lovely people here and quiet a lot of women on the same journey as us...
stick around kid!
Finally...don't forget that this has been rattling in your head for a while and you have analysed and over analysed...so make sure you give time for your partner to process everything and is comtfortable to ask questions...
the bit I find difficult is working out what is ME and what is the ASPIE me :)