I suddenly realised, that maybe everyone doesn't feel this..

Hi everyone,

I'm new here, am just looking into getting myself diagnosed, as I have recently realised that some of my issues could be related to ASD. I first started researching ASD as I think my partner is also affected and it kind of hit me like a ton of bricks when I realised that actually I am exactly the same, and the main thing for me is that I always have been, and the issues I am having with crippling anxiety and depression could have another cause.( I struggle with being concise and keeping to the point, and also getting what my actual point is across so I'll do my best here)

The problems I am having in my life are as follows:

Severe social anxiety, and moderate general anxiety. (Had these all my life and they have got gradually worse as I got older). I can only cope with social situations by drinking alcohol. Been unable to work all my life, other than part time self employed from home, this work became full time a few years ago and I couldn't cope, I realised that I couldn't deal with distractions at all, if the dog barked when I was in the middle of something that would be it, I would have to stop as I would feel totally overwhelmed, get angry and it would take me ages to be able to get back to it.

When I am around other people I have a sense that I am being a fake person, I can be a different person depending on who I am with, I don't know who I actually am, I realised this just recently. I don't deliberately try to be fake, it just happens. I can never relax.

I don't have any proper friends, I've gone through life never having proper friends. I don't know how you be friends with someone, I guessed you have to share and talk about how you feel, and tried to but it just feels weird and embarrassing, I don't feel any 'pleasure' from being with friends, I would rather be alone. At school I was always on my own, in the library reading books on human behaviour and psychology, I felt like I was outside looking in, really wanted to be 'inside' but even when someone included me I didn't feel a part of it. I didn't get all the chat, and boys, and hair and make up. I remember looking up how to make normal eye contact when I was about 13, I was aware that it felt funny, and I didn't know if I was doing it right, at the time I thought this was normal and that everyone felt the same. I feel lonely.

I cannot talk about how I feel if it is anything significant or important (emotionally), I can say I'm hungry and tired or bored etc , but I cannot say I am disappointed or unhappy or angry ,if its to the person I am angry/disappointed/unhappy with.  I've been treated badly by people in the past and I feel like a mute at times as I cannot speak up for myself, I will just shut down, cut them from my life and never speak again. I've been cheated on numerous times in previous relationships, and I didn't feel like splitting up with them was my choice, me ending a relationship was (is) too scary, I think this is my lack of being able to express myself emotionally and also a desperate need to keep things the same. This is really damaging my relationship.

I really struggle with change or sudden things being thrown on me, change makes me feel scared and sudden things been thrown on me makes me feel anger and panic.

I really struggle to see the bigger picture, and get so tied up in detail that I baffle myself and confuse myself so much that I don't know what I am trying to get across anymore and give up (a bit like writing this!) If I need to buy something I will research it to death considering every single variable, making list after list, staying up until the early hours obsessed with it, and I'll get to the point I just cant think anymore. If I am trying to write how I feel or speak to the doctor, before I go in I'll have an idea what I want to say, but as soon as I feel stressed I cant find the right words, and the point I was trying to make has gone, I don't even know what the point is anymore. If I am going somewhere or doing something I have to plan and research every single detail. The more anxious I am generally, the worse this gets.

I hate hugs or any physical contact if I'm honest. I don't get it, I get nothing out of it, a hug doesn't make anything better it just makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable. Same with talking about a problem of any kind, that doesn't help either, it just means another person knows how you feel which is also embarrassing.

There is probably loads I have missed, sorry for the huge post!

I don't know if this is ASD or not, but I'm going to get assessed for my own piece of mind. Thanks for reading