hello I'm Bilsner

Thanks for you support everyone. Just before I add anything else, could you edit my posting name out, it's easily recognisable to some people in my life and I just didn't think that through when registering ( I am a creature of habit) I've asked a mod for it to be changed and hopefully that'll happen as I've had a response.

Oblomov, I have the insommnia problem too. I can barely sleep in my own house let alone anywhere else. Unfortunately financial constraints and night work mean I'm unable to practice proper sleep hygiene. So I put up with it and nap when I can, it was the main reason I started dabbling in benzos, self medication, but when life threw up situations this year which were totally out of my comfort zone but totally unavoidable I relied on them to get me through that as well... it turned into a bigger problem, but I am fixing that. Interestingly when discussing this with my brother (the Asperger's aspect as well) he thought that the Asperger's should be more of a priority, I disagree, but it's good to know at least he's taking me seriously (I live with him so maybe that's why). I am not going to bother the GP with it just yet as he's been great getting me through a rough patch, but I think I will approach the CBT therapist about it. It may get nowhere, I kind of expect her to blow it off TBH as they do seem to be a bit tunnel vision about "goals"... ironic really considering I have tunnel vision about almost everything in my life haha.

Laddie49, Thanks for the reply. I hear what you say about drugs not being necessarily bad, but in this case I need to get off. I am too reliant and the dose I am tapering off from is quite frighteningly large. But I do put my addictive habits down to my Asperger's, once I take to something that's it for a long long time. I used to play an online game for 18 hours straight at a time just so I could get into the top 100 ranking players, to the complete detriment of everything else in my life. I got there and still couldn't stop and only did when the killboard with the rankings stopped being supported and the others score everything totally wrong... I guess they did me a favour really.

I used to go to raves and take ecstasy just so I could feel a connection with people, the MDMA gave me a fake feeling of personal connection with other that I was lacking from people I knew in normal life, that hasn't helped my brain much but I still hold down a job where I have to perform difficult mathematic calculations under time pressure with people shouting in my face so I must have some of my once quite capable mind left.

About the relationship thing, I've been single and celibate since my one and only proper relationship 13 years ago. It was an experience I never wish to repeat. I did not understand what was going on, what was expected of me, when I was in trouble or not (I usually was because I was supposed to just "know" something I should have done or said). I've never felt so confused and alone and "not me" as I did when I was in that relationship. People at work (I like them because they seem to accept I'm a bit odd and because they don't expect me to see them outside work) occasionally ask why I have been single for so long and make suggestions. I think I should take that as a compliment but I usually try to change the subject, they wouldn't get it.

Anyway, thanks for sharing everyone, it really helps to see so many of my experiences have been had by others and that you've found some way of dealing with it. I'll let you know how I get on if things develop further regarding diagnosis or anything else.

thanks

Hi Bilsner

Your post has caught my attention, thanks for posting it.

I am 67 years old (68 in Feb) and have only recently acknowledged I suffer from emotional deprivation and have been behaving incorrectly towards women most of my life. I am incapable of forming any kind of meaningful relationship which would satisfy a partner as a result. I now see that and it explains why all my previous relationships have failed because I am not capable of reciprocation due to my autistic characteristics. A recent approach from an old school friend for instance who found me on facebook caused a bought of panic and anxiety and guilt which made me reject the approach and offer to meet up. Baggage from the past I want to drop if I can. I feel I failed before.

I have been confusing love with sex and have never found the first emotion at all.

So this Xmas I made a point of watching all the American smaltz films on TV including the classics like Wonderful Life and Home Alone and also the British Classic Love Actually. I find I can get emotionally moved by those films and they do make me cry.

So it seems given the right triggers I can get emotionally connected. Why not in real life? Of course those films are fictional fabrications and merely represent our dreams of perfection. The life we would aspire to live? I am not attractive nor talented nor particularly altruistic yet I still can get sucked into the emotional smaltz of the films.

It is of course the hidden persuaders in the films which can hook me into connecting with the supernatural messages they contain. Unfortunately I am an intelligent atheist with a good scientific education. But why do I still cry as I watch them?

There is a saying "ignorance is bliss". I once told a methodist minister "I envy you" and he tried to convert me to religous faith for the next three months (unsuccessfully). Of course he misunderstood what I meant by what I said. I was called on by two women from the Jehova's Witnesses recently who also tried to convert me to their particular faith. I explained I am autistic and she replied "we are all autistic". Probably just trying to ingratiate herself to me to get inside my head? I am not sure.

So where am I trying to get to with this story.

I am addicted to nicotine and moderately dependant on alcohol I now acknowledge although I no longer smoke tobacco thanks to vaping technology. So drugs are an important part of my life. I recently discussed this with both my GP and a psychiatrist and the reaction was as I predicted a negative one. You must reduce your alcohol consumption by 50% they said. My reply was "you are asking me to reduce my satisfaction from life by 50% ?  No way I said.

So I am beginning to make sense of addiction and how it affects humans, from food to retail therapy, to drugs. If the fiction of the films and adverts was really achievable then perhaps I would not need alcohol to keep me satisfied with my life.

My point is therefore drugs should not be considered as inherently bad things to be avoided (unless others are disadvantaged or hurt by me taking them) and I think can allow me to lead a reasonably fulfilled life.

So perhaps regarding the drugs you are addicted to as giving you a better quality of life is the way to look on them rather than as inherantly bad things to "get off of"

best wishes, take care, Laddie.

Hi Bilsner - as a diagnosed male Aspie, I can empathise with several aspects of your situation.  Although I've never had any other drug problem, I've been taking GP-prescribed zopiclone for the last 15 years, usually in a very small dose (2-4mg) and until the last year or so I managed to go some nights without them.  But my chronic insomnia is the main reason I had to give up even part-time work eight years ago and never spent a night away from home for 12 years.  (My bedtime rituals and room conditions are impossible to mimic elsewhere.) Recently, exceptional circumstances forced me to be away and I barely got four hours sleep, even with the standard 7.5mg of zopiclone.  The stress of these exceptional circumstances (which are likely to continue for months) has also increased the frequency and dosage even at home - similar to your greater need of benzos to cope with having to do things against your will and routine.

I was diagnosed with Asperger's only recently (at 55) but in the 1990s I received regular CBT from a hospital psychologist for anxiety and depression.  I found it actually made me worse after a few months, as I became acutely self-conscious about everything in my life, exaggerating, inventing or creating situations and thoughts to fill the damn diaries I was required to maintain.  The psychologist even had me silently counting as I walked along the street.  She eventually refused to continue the CBT unless I also took antidepressants, so when I declined, she washed her hands of me.  The Asperger clinician who diagnosed me recently said he was not at all surprised CBT hadn't worked.

The Asperger diagnosis has been useful for me in so far as it appears to explain a lifetime of anxiety and depression as well as chronic insomnia since the age of 40.  But even the autism expert expects me to set goals and suggests that I'll feel more fulfilled if I get back into some sort of work.  (There's no financial motivation for me as I can support my frugal lifestyle even without benefits.)  Lots of "support" around Asperger's has been offered to me (in January I start a six-week post-diagnostic course) but at 55 it all feels a bit like closing the stabledoor after the horse has bolted.  Or perhaps - given my preferred reclusiveness - opening the stabledoor long after the horse has decided to remain inside!

Hi. thanks for your thoughts. I've taken the test you mentioned and scored 48, although I guess there's more to it than that. I think my problem is that I have so much baggage from dealing with being "on the outside" (as I saw it) that I'm stuck dealing with the fallout from that, ie a benzo addiction. Obviously this has be a priority and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize this. So I'm not going to bother the GP with it. But as far as CBT goes, it seems rather pointless carrying on with our supposed "goals"... I guess I just have to come clean with the therapist (for a second time as I never told the first one about the addiction).

I have no idea how that will go but I feel I need to start the journey to diagnosis as I just can't take anymore people trying to change me into a normal person. I don't want it, I don't need it and the continual assertions that I'm just like everyone else and just need help to get better are not helping. Of course the addiction doesn't help my position as it is very easy for people just to point to it as the reason I am the way I am, but it's not.

Also I feel it would help my family understand why I come across as cold. I love them all very much but I find it difficult to show it, which hurts them and makes me feel guilty.

Anyway, I have to work now, so thanks.

Hello Bilsner

I'm a female Aspie in my 50s. I'm lucky to have an Aspie partner and an Aspie female friend, but they are the only people I see outside of my part time job.

I understand what you mean about people wanting or expecting you to do things you hate. It's difficult to tell people that you don't want to do something, particularly when they are family or health professionals. But you have to find a way to tell them that the things they expect you to do, like visiting relatives or attending CBT sessions, are actually not helpful.

You might think that they will feel let down if you don't go along with what they suggest, or that they will make you feel a "failure", but it is your life and you have to do what makes you more comfortable, despite what others might think. Their idea of a "normal" life is rarely enjoyable for an Autie / Aspie, but most NT people do not realise this.

People who are not AS (the majority) need to conform to the "norm" for their society, and can get worried and uncomfortable when someone they care about or are trying to help exhibits non conformist behaviour, or a desire to not conform. This makes it difficult for us to develop close relationships with them, as we cannot empathise with them. We don't understand their behaviour any more than they understand ours. It's like we're a different species.

Regarding a diagnosis, I felt exactly like you when I realised I was an Aspie, but after discussing it with the GP and my partner I decided I didn't want to be referred for an "official" diagnosis. Not only would it be a bit pointless as I wouldn't get any support, but I thought that the diagnostic process itself would be too stressful. However, some adults have posted on here saying it has been very helpful for them to get a diagnosis. It is for you to decide what is right for you.

Have you taken the online AQ test developed by Professor Baron-Cohen? It's a quite reliable diagnostic tool.

Two books which have helped me understand myself and others and make a decision about diagnosis are:

Am I Autistic? by Lydia Andal

A field guide to Earthlings - an autistic/Asperger view of neurotypical behaviour, by Ian Ford

Both books are available at Amazon.

Good luck and let us know how you get on. This forum has been very helpful for me.

Take care, Pixie