Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello.
I am a 44 year old who is attemting to go through rehab from adddiction to benzodiazapines (the latest in a lifetime of drug problems) that I feel have been my attempt at dealing with undiagnosed Autism/Asperger's. While my GP is a very understanding about the benzos and is tapering me off them I have also been shunted off to CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) for the second time. The first time I just agreed with everything they said so I could get out as quickly as possible.
This time around they know about the addiction but basically CBT does not even remotely deal with whay I feel and have felt my whole life. I've been sent there probably because they think it will help me deal with panic attacks and social anxiety. But it goes way beyond that. I have almost no friends and i have no desire to make any, they just want or expect me to do things I will hate. I can't even manage visiting my own family, I know I should want to but i don't. I just want to be left alone. I am supposed to go to my Dad's tomorrow for christmas dinner, but I won't.
I get incredibly anxious and irritated if I have to spend any time away from home, If I have to spend a night away at family I am annoyed by it and consider it a waste of my time that I should be doing something else with. Recently the demands put on me in that regard have been too much to handle as my stepmother was in hospital for 3 months and I felt I had to make weekly visits. I was worried about her as I don't want anything to change but I resented having to visit all the time and my use of benzodiazapines increased dramatically as a result, leading me to where I now find my self.
I tried to go on holiday with my brother and mum and ended up buying a flight home after 3 days as I couldn't cope with being away from home. They try to understand but I don't think ,they do. I just want to stay at home and be left to my own devices. I hate any break in that routine whatsoever. I barely manage to hold down a part time job at a casino and have just enough money to survive, but that is fine. I have to no children, no wife or girlfriend and no desire for one... in fact the idea seems utterly abhorent.
I want to approach this with the GP or maybe even the CBT therapist to stop her wasting her time because the goals she sees me achieving are something I just don't want. I don't want to meet new people, they'll just expect things from me that I can't give them. I just don't know what is the best way to go about this because at the moment I need to get free of my adiction, but long term I know that I need to get a diagnosis so that people will stop trying to turn me into someone I am not and do not want to be.
Sorry for the rant but it's all getting a to much right now.
Bilsner
Hi Bilsner - as a diagnosed male Aspie, I can empathise with several aspects of your situation. Although I've never had any other drug problem, I've been taking GP-prescribed zopiclone for the last 15 years, usually in a very small dose (2-4mg) and until the last year or so I managed to go some nights without them. But my chronic insomnia is the main reason I had to give up even part-time work eight years ago and never spent a night away from home for 12 years. (My bedtime rituals and room conditions are impossible to mimic elsewhere.) Recently, exceptional circumstances forced me to be away and I barely got four hours sleep, even with the standard 7.5mg of zopiclone. The stress of these exceptional circumstances (which are likely to continue for months) has also increased the frequency and dosage even at home - similar to your greater need of benzos to cope with having to do things against your will and routine.
I was diagnosed with Asperger's only recently (at 55) but in the 1990s I received regular CBT from a hospital psychologist for anxiety and depression. I found it actually made me worse after a few months, as I became acutely self-conscious about everything in my life, exaggerating, inventing or creating situations and thoughts to fill the damn diaries I was required to maintain. The psychologist even had me silently counting as I walked along the street. She eventually refused to continue the CBT unless I also took antidepressants, so when I declined, she washed her hands of me. The Asperger clinician who diagnosed me recently said he was not at all surprised CBT hadn't worked.
The Asperger diagnosis has been useful for me in so far as it appears to explain a lifetime of anxiety and depression as well as chronic insomnia since the age of 40. But even the autism expert expects me to set goals and suggests that I'll feel more fulfilled if I get back into some sort of work. (There's no financial motivation for me as I can support my frugal lifestyle even without benefits.) Lots of "support" around Asperger's has been offered to me (in January I start a six-week post-diagnostic course) but at 55 it all feels a bit like closing the stabledoor after the horse has bolted. Or perhaps - given my preferred reclusiveness - opening the stabledoor long after the horse has decided to remain inside!