Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello.
I am a 44 year old who is attemting to go through rehab from adddiction to benzodiazapines (the latest in a lifetime of drug problems) that I feel have been my attempt at dealing with undiagnosed Autism/Asperger's. While my GP is a very understanding about the benzos and is tapering me off them I have also been shunted off to CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) for the second time. The first time I just agreed with everything they said so I could get out as quickly as possible.
This time around they know about the addiction but basically CBT does not even remotely deal with whay I feel and have felt my whole life. I've been sent there probably because they think it will help me deal with panic attacks and social anxiety. But it goes way beyond that. I have almost no friends and i have no desire to make any, they just want or expect me to do things I will hate. I can't even manage visiting my own family, I know I should want to but i don't. I just want to be left alone. I am supposed to go to my Dad's tomorrow for christmas dinner, but I won't.
I get incredibly anxious and irritated if I have to spend any time away from home, If I have to spend a night away at family I am annoyed by it and consider it a waste of my time that I should be doing something else with. Recently the demands put on me in that regard have been too much to handle as my stepmother was in hospital for 3 months and I felt I had to make weekly visits. I was worried about her as I don't want anything to change but I resented having to visit all the time and my use of benzodiazapines increased dramatically as a result, leading me to where I now find my self.
I tried to go on holiday with my brother and mum and ended up buying a flight home after 3 days as I couldn't cope with being away from home. They try to understand but I don't think ,they do. I just want to stay at home and be left to my own devices. I hate any break in that routine whatsoever. I barely manage to hold down a part time job at a casino and have just enough money to survive, but that is fine. I have to no children, no wife or girlfriend and no desire for one... in fact the idea seems utterly abhorent.
I want to approach this with the GP or maybe even the CBT therapist to stop her wasting her time because the goals she sees me achieving are something I just don't want. I don't want to meet new people, they'll just expect things from me that I can't give them. I just don't know what is the best way to go about this because at the moment I need to get free of my adiction, but long term I know that I need to get a diagnosis so that people will stop trying to turn me into someone I am not and do not want to be.
Sorry for the rant but it's all getting a to much right now.
Bilsner
Thanks for you support everyone. Just before I add anything else, could you edit my posting name out, it's easily recognisable to some people in my life and I just didn't think that through when registering ( I am a creature of habit) I've asked a mod for it to be changed and hopefully that'll happen as I've had a response.
Oblomov, I have the insommnia problem too. I can barely sleep in my own house let alone anywhere else. Unfortunately financial constraints and night work mean I'm unable to practice proper sleep hygiene. So I put up with it and nap when I can, it was the main reason I started dabbling in benzos, self medication, but when life threw up situations this year which were totally out of my comfort zone but totally unavoidable I relied on them to get me through that as well... it turned into a bigger problem, but I am fixing that. Interestingly when discussing this with my brother (the Asperger's aspect as well) he thought that the Asperger's should be more of a priority, I disagree, but it's good to know at least he's taking me seriously (I live with him so maybe that's why). I am not going to bother the GP with it just yet as he's been great getting me through a rough patch, but I think I will approach the CBT therapist about it. It may get nowhere, I kind of expect her to blow it off TBH as they do seem to be a bit tunnel vision about "goals"... ironic really considering I have tunnel vision about almost everything in my life haha.
Laddie49, Thanks for the reply. I hear what you say about drugs not being necessarily bad, but in this case I need to get off. I am too reliant and the dose I am tapering off from is quite frighteningly large. But I do put my addictive habits down to my Asperger's, once I take to something that's it for a long long time. I used to play an online game for 18 hours straight at a time just so I could get into the top 100 ranking players, to the complete detriment of everything else in my life. I got there and still couldn't stop and only did when the killboard with the rankings stopped being supported and the others score everything totally wrong... I guess they did me a favour really.
I used to go to raves and take ecstasy just so I could feel a connection with people, the MDMA gave me a fake feeling of personal connection with other that I was lacking from people I knew in normal life, that hasn't helped my brain much but I still hold down a job where I have to perform difficult mathematic calculations under time pressure with people shouting in my face so I must have some of my once quite capable mind left.
About the relationship thing, I've been single and celibate since my one and only proper relationship 13 years ago. It was an experience I never wish to repeat. I did not understand what was going on, what was expected of me, when I was in trouble or not (I usually was because I was supposed to just "know" something I should have done or said). I've never felt so confused and alone and "not me" as I did when I was in that relationship. People at work (I like them because they seem to accept I'm a bit odd and because they don't expect me to see them outside work) occasionally ask why I have been single for so long and make suggestions. I think I should take that as a compliment but I usually try to change the subject, they wouldn't get it.
Anyway, thanks for sharing everyone, it really helps to see so many of my experiences have been had by others and that you've found some way of dealing with it. I'll let you know how I get on if things develop further regarding diagnosis or anything else.
thanks