Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello.
I am a 44 year old who is attemting to go through rehab from adddiction to benzodiazapines (the latest in a lifetime of drug problems) that I feel have been my attempt at dealing with undiagnosed Autism/Asperger's. While my GP is a very understanding about the benzos and is tapering me off them I have also been shunted off to CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) for the second time. The first time I just agreed with everything they said so I could get out as quickly as possible.
This time around they know about the addiction but basically CBT does not even remotely deal with whay I feel and have felt my whole life. I've been sent there probably because they think it will help me deal with panic attacks and social anxiety. But it goes way beyond that. I have almost no friends and i have no desire to make any, they just want or expect me to do things I will hate. I can't even manage visiting my own family, I know I should want to but i don't. I just want to be left alone. I am supposed to go to my Dad's tomorrow for christmas dinner, but I won't.
I get incredibly anxious and irritated if I have to spend any time away from home, If I have to spend a night away at family I am annoyed by it and consider it a waste of my time that I should be doing something else with. Recently the demands put on me in that regard have been too much to handle as my stepmother was in hospital for 3 months and I felt I had to make weekly visits. I was worried about her as I don't want anything to change but I resented having to visit all the time and my use of benzodiazapines increased dramatically as a result, leading me to where I now find my self.
I tried to go on holiday with my brother and mum and ended up buying a flight home after 3 days as I couldn't cope with being away from home. They try to understand but I don't think ,they do. I just want to stay at home and be left to my own devices. I hate any break in that routine whatsoever. I barely manage to hold down a part time job at a casino and have just enough money to survive, but that is fine. I have to no children, no wife or girlfriend and no desire for one... in fact the idea seems utterly abhorent.
I want to approach this with the GP or maybe even the CBT therapist to stop her wasting her time because the goals she sees me achieving are something I just don't want. I don't want to meet new people, they'll just expect things from me that I can't give them. I just don't know what is the best way to go about this because at the moment I need to get free of my adiction, but long term I know that I need to get a diagnosis so that people will stop trying to turn me into someone I am not and do not want to be.
Sorry for the rant but it's all getting a to much right now.
Bilsner
Hello Bilsner
I'm a female Aspie in my 50s. I'm lucky to have an Aspie partner and an Aspie female friend, but they are the only people I see outside of my part time job.
I understand what you mean about people wanting or expecting you to do things you hate. It's difficult to tell people that you don't want to do something, particularly when they are family or health professionals. But you have to find a way to tell them that the things they expect you to do, like visiting relatives or attending CBT sessions, are actually not helpful.
You might think that they will feel let down if you don't go along with what they suggest, or that they will make you feel a "failure", but it is your life and you have to do what makes you more comfortable, despite what others might think. Their idea of a "normal" life is rarely enjoyable for an Autie / Aspie, but most NT people do not realise this.
People who are not AS (the majority) need to conform to the "norm" for their society, and can get worried and uncomfortable when someone they care about or are trying to help exhibits non conformist behaviour, or a desire to not conform. This makes it difficult for us to develop close relationships with them, as we cannot empathise with them. We don't understand their behaviour any more than they understand ours. It's like we're a different species.
Regarding a diagnosis, I felt exactly like you when I realised I was an Aspie, but after discussing it with the GP and my partner I decided I didn't want to be referred for an "official" diagnosis. Not only would it be a bit pointless as I wouldn't get any support, but I thought that the diagnostic process itself would be too stressful. However, some adults have posted on here saying it has been very helpful for them to get a diagnosis. It is for you to decide what is right for you.
Have you taken the online AQ test developed by Professor Baron-Cohen? It's a quite reliable diagnostic tool.
Two books which have helped me understand myself and others and make a decision about diagnosis are:
Am I Autistic? by Lydia Andal
A field guide to Earthlings - an autistic/Asperger view of neurotypical behaviour, by Ian Ford
Both books are available at Amazon.
Good luck and let us know how you get on. This forum has been very helpful for me.
Take care, Pixie