tell me I'm wrong to feel like this

rancid said:

My anger at my in laws for passing this gene on (his uncle and first cousin both have it but don't seem to care) I can't talk to my wife about my feelings about this as she gets all defensive and I am left to bottle up my anger.

If your wife has passed the genes to your son then she may be affected too. It is sometimes not obvious that someone is affected, I had managed 56 years before I was diagnosed and had led a fairly normal life up till then. Women also show different behaviours so the condition appears different in men and women.

This may go some way to explaining why your son clings to you. You may appear to be more emotionally expressive and caring to your son and he may be responding to that. This doesn't mean that she doesn't care but that she is perhaps less able to exhibit her caring side.

She may also struggle with difficult conversations - particularly where blame is being attached to her side of the family? This could, again, be related to autistic behaviour.

It is also possible that her differentness may be one reason why you were attracted to her in the first place. People with autism often stand out and are plain speaking honest people that can be attractive.

There is a lot of speculation in what I have written so I hope I haven't offended. Some of it may well be wide of the mark in this case and I am only speaking from an understanding of how it affects me and from reading a lot on this site.

Hi, you will adjust bit by bit in your own time, as will your wife.  As that happens you may be able to become closer + discuss your child's autism more.   If she feels you blame her side of the family, then she's obviously going to be upset by that. There are lots of posts on here from parents trying to learn/adjust to their child's diagnosis.  Do a search .  Each autistic person is an individual with their own strengths + weaknesses.  Just like non-autistic people, autistic people all all unique.  So by learning about how autism affects your child as an individual you can have a positive influence on how he develops.  That includes making sure he gets in to the best school you can find, a school that may be autism-specific or a school that has staff well trained in autism.  Also he needs to have the relevant support to help him make the most of himself at school.  Check things out via the home pg and/or the ipsea site.  As you learn more about autism you can be a great help to your child pre-diagnosis + post diagnosis, so go to the home pg again.  Come back here whenever you want, ask whatever you want.  The posters on here understand.

No, you are not wrong for feeling like this.

You are worried about your son and want the best for him. The best for him is now that he is on the ASD Spectrum, you can help him to obtain the best help so he might make something of his life. Each and everyone is different even when it in the family. You are right to feel angry at times.  I myself was diagnosed last year and feel very angry about if it only been years ago, but then from what people tell me and I know myself, years ago, outlook was different. Outlook is better for us today.  Your wife will handle it her own way.  

you are lucky your son is 'glued to your side' though you both want to be involved. Some seek comfort from objects or non human and therefore pushing you both out as I gues would feel. I wish I could say something intelligable here to give you both hope.  I can't. It nothing personal to her really. Something about you he has been drawn to. Don't try to force anything though I think that might be harder for him and in time he might 'go off' you and attach to your wife and it be the other way round and you feeling immensly hurt by that. As someone as only last year as an adult, who been diagnosed with autism and have other health issues. I think the only thing I can reassure here is that I hardly share anything with my family. I don't hate them. Just don't share anything good or bad particulary.  Best thing about being diagnosed as an adult and getting given the autism awareness card I was able to nominate someone outside my family though never used the card.

Wish I could offer better tips than no, you are not wrong to feel like this, it natural from reading about it and from my own feelings having been only diagnosed last year and do feel angry. 

Agree with YL's contribution. The outcome of your brother in law is simply not inevitable. Autistic children need extra care and attention when they are being raised - you can make a massive difference by dealing with him with understanding, being consistent and helping him to learn strategies to deal with this.

Even your BIL isn't beyond help (although its not really your problem) but the longer it goes without intervention the harder it is to pull people out of the state that they can get into.

Hi rancid,

I think your feelings are pretty much a mixture of fear and mourning for what should have been - I've been there and got the T- shirt! I remember asking our paed (when our daughter was 3) whether she would ever be capable of getting married! I also remember trying to work out who was to blame! We all start off wtih hopes and dreams for our children and when we are faced with a different journey it feels scary and confusing. 

Our daughter, now 15, has had a rocky ride because she wasn't diagnosed properly hence we inadvertently made a lot of mistakes ( she was diagnosed last year)- you have the advantage of knowing that your son has ASD and you now need to spend your time and energy researching and finding the best place for his schooling - I think there is more awareness of ASD than there was 10 years ago, but you need to push for help and support and be the best advocate for your wonderful son. With the love and support and appropriate help ,your son  I'm sure,will have lots of strengths and will surprise you. You will learn together. 

Access courses for parents of ASD children- you will mix with other parents in a similar situation and be able support and learn from each other. Parents of 'normal' kids probably won't be able to understand your worries, so don't become isolated - get involved with a group that do understand/care. Look for courses & help in your area or ring the NAS to get some more help. If you are armed and ready with strategies to support your son you will feel happier and more in control. This forum is also really supportive if you have questions that you need answers to.

Your brother in law may have coped better if he had had the right support when he was younger ,so try not to compare your son - every body is different and as they say, the spectrum of needs is wide. 

Our daughter is doing ok at the mo- in maintstream but with some support - she has definite strengths and we focus on the positives. Life is good at times, hard at others - you will find your feet I assure you ! Best wishes Y.L.