Wanting advice about autism

Thank you for that I have joined a zoom call for their join a cuppa call.

No, "autistic" headphones (really just noise-cancelling or attenuating ones) don't cure anything—they're not a treatment for autism. Autism isn't something to "cure"; it's how someone's brain wires up. These are tools for managing sensory stuff, like overload from noise, which hits a lot of autistic folks hard (up to 70% get hypersensitive to sounds).

They can help: studies show they lower stress signs—like calmer skin responses or less anxiety in loud places—letting people focus better at work, school, or home. Some autistic adults swear by them for public transport or meetings; they block chaos so you can think straight.

But communication? Often the opposite—they can hinder it. Full noise-cancelling blocks voices too, so if you're talking to your husband while he's wearing them, he might miss your tone, words, or even that you're speaking. It's great for solo quiet time, but in a convo? Could make him feel cut off or frustrated. Some folks use "aware" modes or earplugs instead—partial block, still hear key sounds.

The pro might be NT (neurotypical)—no lived experience—so yeah, "pop these on" sounds easy, but ignores how it feels personal, like you're saying "you're broken." Bad advice if not tailored.

And that double empathy problem? Spot on—it's Damian Milton's idea from 2012: misunderstandings aren't just autistic "deficits." NTs and NDs (neurodivergent) both struggle to "get" each other—different styles, cues, pacing. NDs click better together because shared wiring; NT-ND? Mutual blind spots, like you not reading his overload, him not seeing your hurt. It's not one-sided blame—both sides bridge it.

sorry - do "autistic" headphone cure anything ? so they exist and are they going help with communication - possibly the opposite

I guess the autistic professional may be NT (Neurotypical) so no lived experience , to say pop these on and all will be good

Sorry you haven't done anything wrong - other than perhaps be given some bad advice.

google  "the double empathy problem"  - it may explain why NTs and ND's (Neurodivergent) communicate better between one another than between ND-NT

I just feel like in failing my husband and my 2 kids. I feel like im a carer to my husband and driving him to work and from work and picking up my kids from nursery and school and then coming and cleaning, doing thr school and also sometimes i feel my mental health is going down day by day. I feel like i can't manage. 

Many autistic people need time to process emotions and don’t like sudden change.

Perhaps he doesn’t appreciate people telling him what he needs before he has had time to process what he needs and wants? 

You could ask him what he would like and what he doesn’t find helpful. Give him plenty of time to consider these things.

So I want to be very careful here, as I always feel a little uncomfortable about giving advice on things of this nature - but it seems that communication / understanding, and feeling heard are the root causes here - they often are.

If talking about this is too hard, consider writing a letter and giving it to him, asking him to write one back. Employing the written word to get a conversation started might give you both the time and space to think about what you want to say to each other, and spend time understanding what the other is saying. It naturally slows things down, and removes the pressure of real time interaction - which for the autistic mind is a big deal.

I would suggest starting with a simple letter / message, asking him what he thinks you don't understand, rather than trying to explain your own thoughts and feelings to start with. Tell him you love him, and show him you want to put the effort in to understand. If he sees that, he is more likely to reciprocate and take the time to try and understand your perspective, eventually. Though this may be hard for him - it's likely at the moment he's feeling like it's not just you, but the whole world that doesn't understand.

Also, understand he's likely mad at himself, not you - it could easily be the case that when he sees you upset, he feels guilty which in turn makes him mad. Anger is an emotion that people often conjure up when they are at a loss as to what to do - or in the case of alexithymia, which is often a "stowaway" with autism, actually feel.

Finally, the headphones thing - practically, probably a great call. But an insidious side effect of thinking that the world doesn't understand you, is feeling robbed of agency - feeling other people are trying to make you do things, without actually understanding what's right for you. As lostmyway stated below, "Only if you want" is a phrase that will likely serve you well in this situation, and a sentiment that might be worth conveying in a number of different ways, frequently.

Hope that helps.

HI Georgie20.

You're not wrong - you were just helping. He shut down the headphones because change feels scary to him, like an overload. And asking, 'why I'm upset?' Probably sounded like blame when he's already maxed out. Try softer: 'Need a minute', when you're sad, or 'Only if you want', for stuff like headphones. Give him space if he flares - it's not about you. You're doing great reaching out