Wanting advice about autism

So I want to be very careful here, as I always feel a little uncomfortable about giving advice on things of this nature - but it seems that communication / understanding, and feeling heard are the root causes here - they often are.

If talking about this is too hard, consider writing a letter and giving it to him, asking him to write one back. Employing the written word to get a conversation started might give you both the time and space to think about what you want to say to each other, and spend time understanding what the other is saying. It naturally slows things down, and removes the pressure of real time interaction - which for the autistic mind is a big deal.

I would suggest starting with a simple letter / message, asking him what he thinks you don't understand, rather than trying to explain your own thoughts and feelings to start with. Tell him you love him, and show him you want to put the effort in to understand. If he sees that, he is more likely to reciprocate and take the time to try and understand your perspective, eventually. Though this may be hard for him - it's likely at the moment he's feeling like it's not just you, but the whole world that doesn't understand.

Also, understand he's likely mad at himself, not you - it could easily be the case that when he sees you upset, he feels guilty which in turn makes him mad. Anger is an emotion that people often conjure up when they are at a loss as to what to do - or in the case of alexithymia, which is often a "stowaway" with autism, actually feel.

Finally, the headphones thing - practically, probably a great call. But an insidious side effect of thinking that the world doesn't understand you, is feeling robbed of agency - feeling other people are trying to make you do things, without actually understanding what's right for you. As lostmyway stated below, "Only if you want" is a phrase that will likely serve you well in this situation, and a sentiment that might be worth conveying in a number of different ways, frequently.

Hope that helps.

So I want to be very careful here, as I always feel a little uncomfortable about giving advice on things of this nature - but it seems that communication / understanding, and feeling heard are the root causes here - they often are.

If talking about this is too hard, consider writing a letter and giving it to him, asking him to write one back. Employing the written word to get a conversation started might give you both the time and space to think about what you want to say to each other, and spend time understanding what the other is saying. It naturally slows things down, and removes the pressure of real time interaction - which for the autistic mind is a big deal.

I would suggest starting with a simple letter / message, asking him what he thinks you don't understand, rather than trying to explain your own thoughts and feelings to start with. Tell him you love him, and show him you want to put the effort in to understand. If he sees that, he is more likely to reciprocate and take the time to try and understand your perspective, eventually. Though this may be hard for him - it's likely at the moment he's feeling like it's not just you, but the whole world that doesn't understand.

Also, understand he's likely mad at himself, not you - it could easily be the case that when he sees you upset, he feels guilty which in turn makes him mad. Anger is an emotion that people often conjure up when they are at a loss as to what to do - or in the case of alexithymia, which is often a "stowaway" with autism, actually feel.

Finally, the headphones thing - practically, probably a great call. But an insidious side effect of thinking that the world doesn't understand you, is feeling robbed of agency - feeling other people are trying to make you do things, without actually understanding what's right for you. As lostmyway stated below, "Only if you want" is a phrase that will likely serve you well in this situation, and a sentiment that might be worth conveying in a number of different ways, frequently.

Hope that helps.