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Wanting advice about autism

Georgie20

Hi? I'm new on hete. I am wanting helo and guidance about ky autistic husband.  He gets upset and angry when he doesn't understand what im saying and when the autistic professional said he needs certain autistic headphones, I went onto argos and looked for noise cancelling headphones and ge just shut it down straight away.  Was i wrong to do that? . He also gets mad when he says i dont understsndbhow he is, but ive said to him that does he understand why im upset. Was i wrong to say that, as im struggling with him and ive cried in front of him and be vets mad when I grt upset about my feelings and get mad.  

Parents

  • HI Georgie20.

    You're not wrong - you were just helping. He shut down the headphones because change feels scary to him, like an overload. And asking, 'why I'm upset?' Probably sounded like blame when he's already maxed out. Try softer: 'Need a minute', when you're sad, or 'Only if you want', for stuff like headphones. Give him space if he flares - it's not about you. You're doing great reaching out




  • in reply to lostmyway

    I just feel like in failing my husband and my 2 kids. I feel like im a carer to my husband and driving him to work and from work and picking up my kids from nursery and school and then coming and cleaning, doing thr school and also sometimes i feel my mental health is going down day by day. I feel like i can't manage. 

  • in reply to Georgie20

    Hey... first off, breathe. You're not failing anyone. You're holding everything together—drives, pick-ups, cleaning, school runs—while your own head's spinning. That's not failure; that's heroism. But yeah, it's exhausting, and your tears? They're proof you're human, not broken.

    No, you weren't wrong to look up headphones. The pro said noise-cancelling for overload—Argos has decent ones (Bose QuietComfort or Sony XM series pop up a lot for autistic adults). But if he shut it down? Probably because it felt like you were "fixing" him without asking first. Autistic folks often need control over sensory stuff—sudden suggestions can feel like criticism. Next time? Say: "Hey, I heard about these—want to look together?" Or let him pick. Makes it his choice.

    And when he says "you don't understand me," then you flip it—"do you understand why I'm upset?"—that's fair. You're both hurting. But yeah, it can escalate because he might not process emotions the same way. He gets mad at your upset 'cause it overloads him—his brain's already full. Not about you being wrong; it's neurology.

    From what I've seen (National Autistic Society, Indiana tips for partners):

    • Use clear, calm words—no hints. Write it if talking's hard.
    • Give him space when he's angry—don't push "why are you mad?" right then.
    • Don't take his anger personal—it's often overload, not you.
    • For you: schedule "your" time. Even 10 mins alone.

    You're carer to him, mum to kids—your mental health's tanking 'cause you're last. In UK, hit up:

    • National Autistic Society (autism.org.uk)—they've got partner support groups, online chats.
    • Carers UK or Mind helplines—talk to someone who gets carer burnout.
    • If it's bad, GP for counselling—carers get priority sometimes.

    You're not alone. 

  • in reply to lostmyway

    Thank you for that I have joined a zoom call for their join a cuppa call.

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