Introducing myself...

HiLatediagnosedandlost and welcome 

I’m AuDHD too and I’ve felt that not knowing who the real me is after years of masking and copying others just to get by, so you’re not alone in that.

For me it’s been a slow process of getting to know myself again. I’m still figuring it out. Be gentle with yourself, you don’t have to have all the answers straight away.

Thank you for replying. At this moment in time I feel like im never going to find out who my authentic self is. I am a different person to different people. I act a certain way with one, and be another person to another. It sounds ridiculous. 

Thank you for replying. At this moment in time I feel like im never going to find out who my authentic self is. I am a different person to different people. I act a certain way with one, and be another person to another. It sounds ridiculous. 

I hear you. I think at the moment, I am trying to use what I have to the best of my ability. I know its a juggling act, but its worked for 50 years so far. But I know there will be a catalyst at some point where I need to step back and take stock. Hope you have a lovely day.

I have racked my brains. But your situation sounds really hard and I dont know how you're going to unravel it. You shouldn't be ashamed. I bet you're brilliant underneath. 

When I was in your shoes. I hit breaking point, cut everyone off, lost my job and was put on meds. So I have the chance to rebuild more authentically. 

The only way forward for you seems to be slowly. It doesn't sound like you've had any time to discover yourself yet, let alone introduce yourself to the world around you. 

Personally I will never fit into a neurotypical world and the burn out from trying is too real. 

I tell those who matter, but to be honest, other people/family members are in a sort of denial and I feel something akin to shame of I say it out loud so I keep it to myself for the most part. 

I agree. Its been hard enough. Do you tell people about your diagnosis? 

It sounds like you are absolutely doing the right thing for you. The least amount of stress possible is high on my agenda, lol. Let us both be kind to ourselves, eh? 

Oh I don't think I really know myself. Im just so relieved to understand what is going wrong. You're obviously very high masking. I'm very isolated now so its easier. But I understand what you are saying as ive been like that before. 

I ended up diagnosed with all sorts of mental health issues once I hit absolute breaking point. Mainly because of how hard social interaction is for me and periods of prolonged stress. Im hoping that I can rebuild now, more authentically.

Its harder for you as you have many relationships that are already established. 

Dont want to be the prophet of doom but for me it ended with multiple breakdowns. So its really important that you look after yourself. You're obviously not schizophrenic. You need to find the relationships that help you relax and move away from the ones that makes the anxiety worse.

Atleast thats my plan but I have added advantage of medication working well for me.

I think that's great you are settling into the authentic you. Nice to hear. I think my biggest hurdle is that I have so many different groups od people I deal with in daily life, that are all so different in many ways, ie parents, mates, work colleagues, customers, acquaintances, that I become a different persona to each group, catering to how I feel they want me to be to them, if that makes sense? I can be intelligent, highbrow and witty to one type, then quite coarse, gruff, outgoing and loud to another. It is so confusing I could spend years unpacking who I really am. And uts scary, because it makes me feel "schizophrenic'.

That's sounds lovely, you're being you. But I appreciate it can be problematic. Ive had stages of being reclusive. Ive also had stages of being outspoken. Neither helped. That's why I joined here, I've never had a problem talking with people on the spectrum.

And yes the overthinking when communicating is awful. I have an internal dialogue going off and I dont know how to respond or can remember what is being said. I cause offence alot when I certainly dont mean to or am accused of being aggressive when im being passionate. I squirm around and overthink everything, sometimes for days or weeks after a conversation. Its very frustrating not being able to communicate and awful when people respond negatively when im simply being myself.

I had given up altogether but medication has helped me no end. And I want to try again, now I have a deeper understanding of the problem.

Hi Kellyann. I'm glad some of what I've described resonates with you. Im doing "ok" thanks, but not the best I could be. I do t know how to act around people now. Always second guessing. Ive noticed my filter seems to have gone walkabout. If something pops in my head in conversation about a certain topic,, and it's potentially controversial,  although funny or acidic,  I cant hep but say the thing. Don't know if that sounds familiar?

You sound like me!  

I hope you're doing ok?

Yeah me too, and it is definitely not ridiculous but now I’m finding spaces where I can just be me without the mask.

It does feel strange but it’s kind of releasing something at the same time, my body feels more relaxed. It’s hard to explain.

I’ve joined a couple of in person Autistic groups. I live in the Sheffield area, and the groups are very gentle and non threatening. It’s a place where I feel safe enough to let my guard down or take my mask off.

Maybe that might be something you want to try.