Recently ASD diagnosed and wanting more of a social life!

Hello  I'm recently diagnosed (54) and feeling similar. I've not told everyone and still coming to terms... 

Having both does make sense to me. When I had my autism assessment they then referred me for the adhd assessment. 

I always feel like I have two voices in my head telling me completely opposite things! One wants order and control the other wants chaos and excitement! No wonder I suffered from mental health issues all my life!

Being normal would be boring!

profdanger said:

Then there’s my kid digging in the dirt pretending the ants are her kingdom’s people while I’m playing Nintendo Switch next to her

Sounds idyllic. What a lovely image.

Me and my daughters often just want to be in the same room. No real need for interactions, just in each other's company!

Also, we enjoy galloping down the road....i used to feel embarrassed joining in, but now I realise how much fun it is!

I do struggle with being strict with them.i can't stand to see them upset and I'm worried that im not helping by being too comforting. 

Xine said:

I feel like people think I'm now "over doing " my autistic traits now. And I feel very judged, which is sad. As I've been told I also have adhd traits....I'm like a confusing mess!

Yep, me too. I'm very self-conscious when I'm consciously "being autistic", because it's all very new to me. However, it's just me doing what's best for me. I'm trying out a bunch of new things and people around me are just going to have to get used to the things that I decide are helpful. It's not hurting anyone else, so I'm not going to apologise. I am willing to explain, of course.

It's also good to hear that you're a "confusing mess". Me, too! I'm AuDHD and I'm starting to really own that whole "confusing mess" description. We can't all be boring and normal all the time!

I recommend the book "Small Talk" by Richard and Roxanne Pink, if you want to know what ADHD feels like from the inside. Perhaps you'll relate if you think you might have ADHD traits. It really helped me to accept my ADHD diagnosis after fighting it for 22 years. It convinced me to start being much kinder to myself.

Ha ha! Thank you!

I'm feeling more positive just from the lovely helpful replies!

Wish more people were like this!

Yes, that does make sense! I have two young daughters, one confirmed ASD/ADHD. So I have to be in “dad-mode” a lot where I have to be hyper-vigilant, especially during outings. I find that when I have both kids I am an anxious mess, but when I’m alone with one of the daughters I can be calm and more myself.

What’s really hard is seeing other parents while we’re on outings like the park and they’re interacting with their kids normally and happily. They play together, socialize with other kids/parents, and the like. Then there’s my kid digging in the dirt pretending the ants are her kingdom’s people while I’m playing Nintendo Switch next to her lol

You're most welcome! 

Thank you! That's a lovely lot of information that I can look at. Thank you for your help

Oh, and welcome to the forum! (I forgot to write that earlier because I'm got great at remembering the social conventions in their conventional order. )

You will want to do things "now" and you will want to see results "now" and you will find that you are failing to do both of those things "now". When that inevitably happens, be kind to yourself. It is only to be expected. You're autistic (i.e., awesome), so of course you find these things hard. If you didn't, you wouldn't be autistic. So, be kind to yourself, forgive yourself when you don't "measure up", and take it slowly. And as @profdanger so wisely recommends:

profdanger said:

practice unmasking and conversing with us here on this forum

We're all in the same boat here. None of us has much of a clue how to do any of this. But we pick up little tips or encouragement from each other and share our ups and downs, or just shoot the breeze or infodump without fear or judgement.

Congrats on the diagnosis, now take all the time you need and at your own pace to get to know yourself. No such thing as weird in a natural world, people should be more understanding and that’s their job to catch up and educated themselves. Socialising can feel impossible, just being in your own body around others and trying to keep it together is a mighty mountain to climb but take small steps, slowly introduce yourself into it and most importantly remember your needs matter.

Thank you! Even doing this has been a  massive challenge, but I'm glad that I have. I'm hoping to find a safe space to be able to express myself. And hopefully be understood!

I'm pretty unmasked with my daughters, though I think because I feel that I need to be a certain way as a parent I find it hard to be myself as a mum. If that makes sense!?!

I have isolated myself too much (out of protection) but now I want to reconnect....it all seems too huge!

Congratulations on your diagnosis and welcome to the community! 

I'll address the social life element below, after some introductory information.

The NAS has a great set of articles focused on "after diagnosis" - including one covering how you might feel during the coming days / weeks / months - which you might find them helpful:

NAS - How you might feel after a diagnosis

NAS - Other advice covering post-diagnosis including:

• Talking about and disclosing your autism diagnosis
• Emotional support for family members after a diagnosis
• Formal support following an autism diagnosis
• What can I do if formal support is not offered or is not enough

Therapy (or counselling) is often recommended after a diagnosis, as a follow up action for your GP to arrange. In anticipation of that, you might find it helpful to borrow or buy this book. It discusses various types of therapy and counselling, together with advice on choosing the right therapist or counsellor - all from an autistic person's viewpoint. Several of us here have found it very helpful:

The Autistic Survival Guide to Therapy

In respect of socialising, besides hopefully enjoying this community and making some connections here, you might also find it helpful, as a starting point, to read the advice in these articles:

NAS - Loneliness - includes links to examples of some other autistic people's experiences of loneliness and how they cope.

NAS - Making friends - a guide for autistic adults

Perhaps the best suggestion I can offer is to ask your GP for a referral to a social prescriber (I've just completed a course with ours). The prescriber's /  link worker's role is to work with you, potentially over several sessions, to develop a personalised care and support plan that meets your practical, social and emotional needs (so it's not just about socialising). 

Your goals could include helping you to find new friends or social groups, for example. The article below explains more (it relates to NHS England, but the model operates throughout the UK):

NHS England - Social prescribing

You might be able to find some socialising opportunities via the the NAS's directory - whether through a local NAS branch, or other types of support group or social programmes:

NAS - Autism Services Directory

NAS - Branches

You might be able to find some local groups that fit with your interests and hobbies by searching on Facebook and/or Google.

Thank you for your reply

I feel like people think I'm now "over doing " my autistic traits now. And I feel very judged, which is sad. As I've been told I also have adhd traits....I'm like a confusing mess!

There doesn't seem to be any adult autistic groups near me, though I would find it hard to go to one, the option would be good!

As validating as getting a diagnosis is, the idea of being totally unmasked is hard. 

Small steps, I guess is the way forward! Hopefully one day we can be unapologetically ourselves!

Congrats on your diagnosis and welcome to the forum!

One thing that can help with your social anxiety is to practice unmasking and conversing with us here on this forum. Then, maybe consider unmasking around people you feel particularly comfortable around (perhaps your daughters?). “Unmasking” could mean publicly stimming, being less worried about formalities, infodumping as you please, wearing headphones, etc. As Damojo excellently put: 

Damojo said:

Baby steps. (Crawl a bit first.) No rush.

Xine said:

As someone who has masked a lot in their life, to be able to be myself in social situations is terrifying. Especially around people who i have known for years. Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

I've been masking for all of my life (probably a lot of it unconsciously), so I don't know what "unmasking" would even look like. Does it mean I can be less apologetic about infodumping, or that I can decline a hug, or sit quietly in a corner of a crowded room without feeling guilty? Do I even want any of that? They seem somehow wrong, but is that just internalised ableism? I'm still figuring all this out.

In the meantime, I'm paying more attention to my needs and starting to take simple measures or ask for simple accommodations without feeling guilty about it. For example, I wear noise-cancelling earbuds in supermarkets and I'm advocating for my need to pick my own table and seat in restaurants. I'm starting to stim a little more freely. I'm working my up to asking my Spanish friend not to do the whole kissy-cheeks thing the next time we meet, as it freaks me out. We'll see how that goes.

You could look into finding a local "Autistic space", a place where Autistic people meet up and just be themselves. I'm considering that myself, but I'm overthinking the whole thing and I keep chickening out. I'm telling myself that that's OK, though. I cannot be expected to walk before I can crawl. It will take time (years, not weeks, I'm guessing).

Baby steps. (Crawl a bit first.) No rush.