Driving and Autism

Thankyou that's really helpful

I didn't say you were an abuser, just what I'd do in your partners situation, or what I'd do in yours, if you truely believe your partner is dangerous then why do you let him drive your child around? Why do you get in a car with him? 

One of the things I found out the other day from my step son, is how poorly so many people are taught to drive. A few of his friends have recently learnt to drive, and they've not been taught things like hill starts, slowing down through the gears, how to use the handbrake instead of riding the gears, they keep rolling backwards at traffic lights because they, understandably can't keep the gears at biting point. Some have been told that you can't change gear boxes in modern cars, one didn't know what the handbrake was for, none of them know how to parrallel park as they've only been taught to park in car parks, they've not been taught to reverse around corners. Most of them don't really understand the basics like mirror, signal manouver, they will pull out in front of others because they believe that other have to get out of thier way.

If this is true and I've no reason to disbelieve him then it's absolutely shocking and dangerous, maybe you could gently ask your partner how he was taught? 

Actually that's a fair point.

I forgot that I just changed cars to something slower and quieter and I mentioned I feel more calm. So it was putting a strain on me, but I didn't know as I had not thought I was autistic. I had the car for 21 years so didn't remember anything different, although when I had loan cars when it was being serviced I found it easier. I liked the power but getting more regulated is more important now. Plus it is saving me money.

I have no idea how some people can manage to navigate their difficulties with driving. For me it feels entirely unnatural and forced, I am quite comfortable driving routes I know  and do regularly when I feel like it but when I have to make the effort for others it really unsettles me afterwards. I have a lot of driving anxiety that doesn’t improve to a normal regulated level no matter how much experience I have. There’s also a lot of drivers who have no patience and believe themselves to be more important than yourself being on the road. Honking their horns or giving you a look because you were just 1 second too slow to move at the lights! There’s also manners to consider, giving waves when someone lets you out or they will wish you dead basically. It’s a nightmare for some and I entirely empathise with anyone who struggles, I really do.

Yea I hear that. Yea he has had accidents. He seems insulted when I won't get in the car with him and as a family it's not really that simple. I'm not absolving myself of responsibility here. But I'm not taking the flak for the entire situation either. I don't think it's a very straightforward situation! Thanks though. I've had lots of useful insights and tips. Glad I posted here. 

Silver Fox said:

We're both bad for each other in the car.

Yes, but he's trying to concentrate on driving it, you're not.

Has he had many accidents? He's been driving for 6 or 7 years, now. If he hasn't crashed, then maybe he knows a bit more about what he's doing that you give him credit for, even if his "style" is not to your taste. If he has a history of accidents, then he's a bad driver and you shouldn't get in the car with him behind the wheel—you drive. But don't get in the car and shout at him, no matter how much urgency you are feeling, you are likely to make things worse.

Hey Cat Woman. It's not a binary situation. We're both bad for each other in the car. Please believe me when I tell you I'm not an abuser. I just find my partner's driving dangerous and so do other people that get in the car with him. I'm trying to understand why out of compassion for him and to help understand what goes wrong. If you were in the back of the car believe me, you would be frightened too. When people get frightened they speak with urgency. Especially with a child in the car. 

Stuart333 said:

I became over-confident I think and wrote off a car after about 7 years of driving (only accident Ive had in over half a million miles, and I have driven in multiple countries).

That reminded me of someone I used to work with who once declared, "I'm a good driver. I only have a serious accident about once every two years." This was after she'd written off yet another car. At least you learned your lesson the first time.

Nordschleife?

I was terrified when I learnt to drive. The second lesson was on the south circular in London, one of the busiest roads.

I passed first time. I had memorised the highway code, had been reading it for over 10 years, plus I read an advanced driving book.

I was scared of having an accident at first, or holding people up, or getting on the way, etc. but it passed.

I became over-confident I think and wrote off a car after about 7 years of driving (only accident Ive had in over half a million miles, and I have driven in multiple countries). I had another car I had to go and get so was driving a couple of hours later. If not for this I would have struggled to do it again. I agonised about it for months afterwards.

Every near miss I have ever had I replay to see what I did wrong and how to avoid it in future.

I would suggest you just ask him to slow down, to remember there are others in the car and that he does not need to feel pressured by others. There is nothing to prove. I bought into the racing about thing as I falsely believed the image that it was what you did to be cool and prove you were competent. I stopped that 

I have had advanced lessons, including on track, and have driven at up to 180 at Spa, Monza, Silverstone, Nurburgring at a pretty fair pace. Driving on track can slow you down on the road.

So autism is not a block to driving well. But I do not have dyspraxia. Indeed I used to be able walk on stilts and I can still juggle.

Absolutely agree with you, ArchaeC. I have driving since the age of 23, and at 65 I am only driving less because I have other health issues unrelated to my autism.

If I were driving and you were shouting at me, I'd stop the car and tell you to get out and walk or shut up. I'd also refuse to get in a car with someone I thought was dangerous.

Hello, thanks for this, it really does make a huge amount of sense actually. I think my partner might have the same problem. People are untrustworthy on the road quite often so it isn't irrational and driving involves doing a lot of things all at the same time. If you're trying to work out junctions at the same time it's full on. He definitely seems to feel pushed along by others

I don't have a satnav, I've used one before and never got on with it, I prefer maps, a good old fashioned map or an AA road map. I've not trusted satnav's since one nearly made me miss my sons wedding, directing us to the other side of the county. We still have problems with people coming to the house as the satnavs take them to the other end of the street and tell them they've arrived, I end up on the phone, standing outside the front door waving. A lot of satnavs still don't seem to like house names rather than numbers and the more rural you are the worse they get.

Is he actually comfortable in the car itself? It's surprising how many people have their seats positioned poorly, the steering wheel at the wrong height, side columns in the car might block vision. I've driven so many different cars now I can often tell just by looking at them if they'll fit or be comfortable for me. Having long legs and relatively short arms, I sometimes cannot fit my knees under the steering wheel and reach it comfortably. I find a lot of modern cars feel incredibly cramped, often the cabin space is the last bit to be designed in cars and is a bit of an afterthought.

I might be able to give some insight to the problems some autistic people face when driving. I passed the driving test first attempt and drove for many years on a daily basis, often driving between Manchester and London for a number of years. I stopped driving to work daily and took the bus many years ago, partly because a number of choke points on my route were driving me crazy and partly because my wife needed the car to ferry the kids to and from school after we moved house. After this, I quickly lost confidence in driving and only do so a few times a year, or in dire emergency now.

One of my basic difficulties is that I have low levels of trust in other people. I do not trust other drivers to be rational and do things like let me change lanes if I indicate that I wish to do so. This means that I like to be in the right lane way before most people would think is necessary. This is stressful. I am also acutely aware of pressure of expectation from other drivers, I find myself driving faster than I would really like to if someone appears to be 'pushing me' along by being too close behind. This is stressful. There seem to be over-complex one-way systems everywhere and there are over-complex junctions that leave me guessing about how to navigate them to get to where I want to go, they seem to have been designed by people with no sense of logic. This is stressful.

In short as Sartre said,  "L'enfer, c'est les autres" or "Hell is other people", I think this applies for most autists generally, and especially to me when driving.

I second that on the eye test. I get a strong sense when I'm out driving that a lot of other drivers cannot see where they're going. Driving, especially in twilight, without properly corrected vision can be very nerve wracking.

It's no harm getting an eye test, even if you think your vision is fine. There are lots of other things that can be wrong with your eyes after 50 and a quick, cheap and painless eye test every couple of years can make a big difference in preserving your sight for longer.

Very good tips as it goes. Thankyou for thinking it over and taking the time to write to me. 

Silver Fox said:

yes totally understand that I make it worse!

Perhaps start by changing the things that you control, such as your shouting. See if that helps your partner's driving. I know that sounds like I'm blaming you, but I'm not. Maybe he's awful at driving. I'll take your word for it. Anyway, you're here and he's not, so I can only address you. So, if you stay calm, he'll probably be less stressed and his driving may improve (a little).

I taught my two kids to drive over the past two years. My wife tended to get a bit "over-excited" and they found her periodic screams of "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!" unsettling, so I was the go-to instructor. I take the stoical approach: I accept that something bad might happen, but that I'm not in control of the car and shouting won't help, so I stay very calm, I positively exude calm, and it seems to rub off on my "students". I give them some general tips, I point out hazards as we approach and we discuss how things could be improved after we have a bit of a scary moment. They've both become pretty good drivers and nobody has suffered any lasting trauma as a result!

Stoicism is a very helpful philosophy if you tend to be a bit anxious. You just need to prepare your mind ahead of time, understand what you are going to experience and why, and then just surrender to the inevitable. If you cannot control it, there is no point in getting worked up over it. It won't help and you'll only feel worse. That's a bit easier said than done, but it gets easier over time.

Another tip is to use "I" language, rather than "you" language. Instead of screaming, "You're driving too fast!", calmly say, "I feel frightened by the speed the car is going. I would really like to go more slowly." You are just asking him to do you a favour, rather than critiquing his driving style.

Hello, yes totally understand that I make it worse! Of course it's hard to concentrate when someone is stressed and shouting at you.

It's equally difficult however to not shout as you approach impending death . Few people go to their violent graves displaying calm, tolerant serenity for their killers.

No idea how different he is at driving when I'm not in the car as I'm not there. However, I have been in the car with other adults before and they seem equally alarmed

Silver Fox said:

No I'm not a silent passenger. Generally I'm terrified and shouting things

How well does your partner cope when you're not in the car? Is he more relaxed when he's on his own? It can be hard to focus when driving if someone is shouting at you.

Perhaps his driving is reasonably average but you have above-average anxiety.

Hello. Absolutely no idea what he's like driving alone, I'm not there! Yea I feel sorry for him too. But also for myself as I do find his driving genuinely terrifying. Which it is. I mean, it's dangerous. Only just starting to try to get to the bottom of what the struggles are tbh, hence posting on here. Thanks for getting back to me.