Driving and Autism

Surely a Sat Nav or just using Waze on a smart phone is the way to go - can't understand why no one uses them if going to anywhere new.

I like to drive reasonably fast and have absolutely no problem with sense of direction.  I prefer to be driving rather than a passenger .  I guess you're not a silent passenger - so are your own actions helping or making the situation worse ?

Being Autistic doesn't guarantee your offspring would be ND so you're son can't be a guide as to whether your partner is Autistic or not

There could be other things other than potential ASD at play here - and the only way to say its ASD or not is to be assessed - and you can't make them do that.  So seems like you'll never know if they don't wish to go for assessment

Hello. Yes we always use a Sat Nav. No I'm not a silent passenger. Generally I'm terrified and shouting things like "slow down" or "you can't go up there it's one-way!" Not sure I understand your point about my son? He's not autistic. Not basing the assumption that my partner is autistic on him at all, more partner's behaviour and the things he struggles with. I agree with you about him needing an assessment. To be honest, I've only just considered his problems with driving might be down to ASD, hence posting here. Thanks for taking the time to get back to me. 

Hello. Yes we always use a Sat Nav. No I'm not a silent passenger. Generally I'm terrified and shouting things like "slow down" or "you can't go up there it's one-way!" Not sure I understand your point about my son? He's not autistic. Not basing the assumption that my partner is autistic on him at all, more partner's behaviour and the things he struggles with. I agree with you about him needing an assessment. To be honest, I've only just considered his problems with driving might be down to ASD, hence posting here. Thanks for taking the time to get back to me. 

I didn't say you were an abuser, just what I'd do in your partners situation, or what I'd do in yours, if you truely believe your partner is dangerous then why do you let him drive your child around? Why do you get in a car with him? 

One of the things I found out the other day from my step son, is how poorly so many people are taught to drive. A few of his friends have recently learnt to drive, and they've not been taught things like hill starts, slowing down through the gears, how to use the handbrake instead of riding the gears, they keep rolling backwards at traffic lights because they, understandably can't keep the gears at biting point. Some have been told that you can't change gear boxes in modern cars, one didn't know what the handbrake was for, none of them know how to parrallel park as they've only been taught to park in car parks, they've not been taught to reverse around corners. Most of them don't really understand the basics like mirror, signal manouver, they will pull out in front of others because they believe that other have to get out of thier way.

If this is true and I've no reason to disbelieve him then it's absolutely shocking and dangerous, maybe you could gently ask your partner how he was taught? 

Yea I hear that. Yea he has had accidents. He seems insulted when I won't get in the car with him and as a family it's not really that simple. I'm not absolving myself of responsibility here. But I'm not taking the flak for the entire situation either. I don't think it's a very straightforward situation! Thanks though. I've had lots of useful insights and tips. Glad I posted here. 

Silver Fox said:

We're both bad for each other in the car.

Yes, but he's trying to concentrate on driving it, you're not.

Has he had many accidents? He's been driving for 6 or 7 years, now. If he hasn't crashed, then maybe he knows a bit more about what he's doing that you give him credit for, even if his "style" is not to your taste. If he has a history of accidents, then he's a bad driver and you shouldn't get in the car with him behind the wheel—you drive. But don't get in the car and shout at him, no matter how much urgency you are feeling, you are likely to make things worse.

Hey Cat Woman. It's not a binary situation. We're both bad for each other in the car. Please believe me when I tell you I'm not an abuser. I just find my partner's driving dangerous and so do other people that get in the car with him. I'm trying to understand why out of compassion for him and to help understand what goes wrong. If you were in the back of the car believe me, you would be frightened too. When people get frightened they speak with urgency. Especially with a child in the car. 

If I were driving and you were shouting at me, I'd stop the car and tell you to get out and walk or shut up. I'd also refuse to get in a car with someone I thought was dangerous.

Very good tips as it goes. Thankyou for thinking it over and taking the time to write to me. 

Silver Fox said:

yes totally understand that I make it worse!

Perhaps start by changing the things that you control, such as your shouting. See if that helps your partner's driving. I know that sounds like I'm blaming you, but I'm not. Maybe he's awful at driving. I'll take your word for it. Anyway, you're here and he's not, so I can only address you. So, if you stay calm, he'll probably be less stressed and his driving may improve (a little).

I taught my two kids to drive over the past two years. My wife tended to get a bit "over-excited" and they found her periodic screams of "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!" unsettling, so I was the go-to instructor. I take the stoical approach: I accept that something bad might happen, but that I'm not in control of the car and shouting won't help, so I stay very calm, I positively exude calm, and it seems to rub off on my "students". I give them some general tips, I point out hazards as we approach and we discuss how things could be improved after we have a bit of a scary moment. They've both become pretty good drivers and nobody has suffered any lasting trauma as a result!

Stoicism is a very helpful philosophy if you tend to be a bit anxious. You just need to prepare your mind ahead of time, understand what you are going to experience and why, and then just surrender to the inevitable. If you cannot control it, there is no point in getting worked up over it. It won't help and you'll only feel worse. That's a bit easier said than done, but it gets easier over time.

Another tip is to use "I" language, rather than "you" language. Instead of screaming, "You're driving too fast!", calmly say, "I feel frightened by the speed the car is going. I would really like to go more slowly." You are just asking him to do you a favour, rather than critiquing his driving style.

Hello, yes totally understand that I make it worse! Of course it's hard to concentrate when someone is stressed and shouting at you.

It's equally difficult however to not shout as you approach impending death . Few people go to their violent graves displaying calm, tolerant serenity for their killers.

No idea how different he is at driving when I'm not in the car as I'm not there. However, I have been in the car with other adults before and they seem equally alarmed

Silver Fox said:

No I'm not a silent passenger. Generally I'm terrified and shouting things

How well does your partner cope when you're not in the car? Is he more relaxed when he's on his own? It can be hard to focus when driving if someone is shouting at you.

Perhaps his driving is reasonably average but you have above-average anxiety.