How to get ready on time

It’s early days in this journey for you and your daughter - don’t forget to be kind to yourself too x It really is going to be ok - as they say: “stormy seas create able sailors”! 

Thanks again. A lot to take in and process which I will try my best to do.

And btw - re your acceptance of the diagnosis - if it’s any comfort : autism isn’t all bad you know! For example - despite his challenges my eldest read a lot as child and ended up going to Oxford Uni and is now doing a PHD - these children can grow up to lead happy and productive lives in all sorts of different ways. My youngest wasn’t academic but is the most wonderfully kind and intelligent human being - they are both autistic and both totally wonderful. I’m not saying life is always easy for them but I wouldn’t change their autistic natures because I don’t want to change who they are. Your daughter has tremendous potential just like any other child. Autism undoubtedly makes some aspects of life harder but let’s face it all lives will have their challenges. My youngest had Selective Mutism in school - he couldn’t talk at all - so hard, his autistic traits seemed ‘easier’ in comparison to that. It’s good that your daughter can talk in school - some autistic children can’t. There really is a lot to be grateful for :) 

Sorry - one more thing I wanted to add!
So important is that you explicitly make it clear to her that you are ‘on her side’ - no matter what. 100% unconditionally on her side. 
When children are struggling they so need to hear this. x 

I admire you for your honesty about how you feel about the diagnosis. It’s so important to acknowledge our true feelings in order to move forward. It’s not an easy thing to process - especially if you don’t have much experience with autism. There some key things to remember though - the most important being that this is harder for her than it is for you. Apart from anything else she’s just 11 - and her understanding of neurological differences - however intelligent she may be - is not going to be great. So she’s even more ‘at sea’ with this than you are. She desperately needs your empathy right now - so please don’t let that ‘fade away’! 
The problem with labels is that they make it ‘a thing’ - a seperate thing, a ‘condition’ - but autism isn’t like that. You can’t seperate your daughter’s autism from your daughter - it’s a core part of who she is. The brutal truth is that if you don’t accept your daughter’s autism then you are not accepting your daughter at the deepest level of who she is. She needs your total love, understanding and acceptance. If she’s masking at school that means she feels she doesn’t feel accepted and understood at school - so she desperately needs that when she comes home to you. 
Both my adult children are autistic - and I was late diagnosed - so I have a lot of experience with this. What you do now will have long term consequences for your daughter’s mental health - for good or ill. One thing that is unquestionably important for good mental health - long term as well as in the present -  is the unconditional love and support of our parents - and acceptance is a huge part of that. 
With autistic children it’s so vital to focus on all their good qualities - they struggle with so much and that’s very damaging for their self worth and self esteem. So if their parent makes it clear to them that they also have many great qualities, that they are valued, appreciated, liked and loved - this can really help redress the balance. You can give your daughter the greatest gift by doing this, and trust me - your daughters good mental health is MUCH more important than occasionally being late for school. Good mental health is the key to so many things. Everything will be coloured by that - and also if her mental health is good then your life will also be happier and more peaceful. Let the small things go - focus on the bigger picture of her health and happiness. And by the way - if you really want her to have breakfast before getting dressed it’s ok to be firm about that - affirmation of her as a person doesn’t mean that you don’t explain to her why that is a good idea. Hopefully she will eventually see the sense in that. But if she doesn’t don’t make it a battle ground - because ultimately does it REALLY matter in the scheme of things? Often we stress about things that we can actually let go. One of my favourite phrases is ‘practice the art of letting go’ ! It’s very liberating! Ease up - not just on her, but on yourself too. Take care - and good luck! Your daughter is a precious gift - embrace who she is. 

Thank you - this is very insightful.  She has just transitioned to senior school so I know it is a very tricky time for her.  The school SENCO are involved so hopefully with what they have in place the masking will ease.  I often use the bucket of water analogy with her and she uses it too. 

I think the acceptance of her autism is where I am struggling.  I was upset when she got the diagnoses as opposed to relieved which seems to be the general consensus.  I guess I was hoping it would just be a phase.  I agree I don't fully understand it and am trying to read books and listen to podcasts to help so if you have any recommendations I would be grateful. 

I do still feel that there are situations where she is just being awkward but it's tricky to identify which is which.  My empathy is fading away and I do feel like my relationship with her is not as it should be.

Thanks again - I will try to remain more relaxed in the mornings and see if it helps.

One thing I just wanted to add:

you write:

‘She masks at school which means I get the full brunt of it when she returns’.

I think it’s worth bearing in mind that your daughter is getting ‘the full brunt of it’ more than anyone if she is ‘masking in school’.

It’s really important not to underestimate the toll attending school can take on autistic children. The pressure and the stress of that can be immense. To ‘mask’ day after day, year after year, can take a terrible toll on the mental health of autistic children. As you rightly say this inevitably spills over into their home life and can impact on the whole family. It’s 100% not your daughter’s fault that this happens - she is quite powerless in this situation. She has no choice but to every day go into an environment where she feels she ‘cannot be herself’ and which is stressful for her in multiple other ways too (sensory, social etc). 
She desperately needs your patience and understanding in order to cope with what she is being expected to do every morning: to quickly get ready to go to a place where she feels she has to hide who she really is. That’s a tough ask for anyone - let alone an 11 year old child. 

That sounds so stressful - I’m really sorry! I remember that rush in the mornings so well - not a great way to start every day for any of you! 
First things first: you say she’s masking at school at great emotional cost to her and to you. That’s something that needs attention and help as if she is not having her needs met in school then that’s going to impact on every other area of your lives. The better you can get things for her IN school the better she will function out of school. A good metaphor is a bucket full of water - the stress being the water - if her bucket (and yours too for that matter!) is already full then any extra bit of stress will send it overflowing. So the lower you can get the overall ‘level’ the easier she will cope with any extra little pressures that come her way (and yours). 
Secondly - the morning routine. You’re right to allow plenty of time - getting up early is great, as is going to bed early and making sure you’ve all had plenty of sleep. 
Also - I think what might help you is to try to have a bit more acceptance of the fact that your daughter has autism and she’s not going to function efficiently in the mornings in the way you’d ideally like her to. Essentially - on a deep level - surrender to the idea that she has executive functioning issues due to her neurology - she can’t not have these difficulties. Truly, deeply accept that, and accept her autism 100%. If you stop viewing this as a battle you have to fight that alone will help reduce the overall stress levels in the home. You’re obviously trying everything you can think of - but she’s still struggling. Relax your approach, and she might relax a bit too, and we all function a little bit better when we are a bit more relaxed (even if it’s just a BIT!). I think offering her money is a signal to her that you are feeling quite desperate! To a degree we ‘mirror’ those around us - so if she knows that you are anxious about this she will absorb that energy too. Also - presumably you always DO manage to get her to school on time? It might be more chaotic in terms of routine than you would like - but she’s ’getting there’ nevertheless. Try to accept the slightly haphazard nature of the ‘route’ she is taking to get there. 
Also - it’s not forever! She may - quite naturally - change as time goes on. In any case the years will soon pass - she won’t be at school forever, she won’t be a child forever. Don’t let this practical aspect of her functioning spoil your relationship with your daughter. I’m sure she has very many wonderful qualities - remember to focus on those and praise her for those. School can be incredibly difficult for autistic children - she’s probably dealing with so many difficulties just to cope with being in school - life isn’t easy for her. Getting ready in the morning in a rush like that is doubtless very difficult for her also - and she’s probably doing the best she can. She’s just 11 after all. Remember to give her credit for that, 

Re. Your other daughter - let her know how much she is helping you and her sister by being so ,independent, and how much you appreciate her. She is doing a great job and learning to be a supportive daughter and sister - that will really build her confidence and self esteem. 

Thank you

Hi, I'm sorry to hear you are struggling. I've been in a similar position with my 18 y.o daughter. She is usually good at getting ready but currently is just 'stuck' and can't seem to do it. The things you have tried are amazing already, you really want to help your daughter, both of them.

A few more ideas I have is maybe another timetable/schedule with visuals with times/ a clock on them (if she can tell the time) so she can visually see what needs to happen by this time. To try and equal the time spent with both daughters, maybe you could tell your daughter that once she has completed one step, for example, brushing her teeth, you will be with her for the next step and so on. This means you can spend one step with one daughter, then the next step with the other. That's what I have to do with 3 children, mainly 2 every morning who both need support. Another thing you could try is a reward chart type thing. Once she is completely ready, she can have a reward before school, whether this is TV, a quick game, a special interest, or something to look forward to after school as a reward, this could be the park, a walk, having 1:1 time with you doing an activity, etc. 

I hope this helps, sorry if it doesn't but this is what I could think of on the spot. I wish you all the best