Published on 12, July, 2020
Morning all - this is my first post, probably because I feel I should be able to deal with my childs autism on my own but this morning I am about to crack. Bit of background, my 11 year old was diagnosed with autism last year. She masks at school which means I get the full brunt of it when she returns, That I can sort of cope with as I know it is coming. What I can't cope with is the mornings. I get her and her sister up 1.5 hours before we need to leave to school. Some mornings she wants to get dressed first (with me present the whole time) and other mornings it's breakfast first. I have to constantly remind her to get up, get dressed, stop playing, eat your breakfast, do you teeth which gradually gets her more and more annoyed. I can't leave her to it as she wants me with her all the time. My other daughter is now suffering with the consequences as I cannot be there for her as well. If I could just get my youngest to get herself ready on time without distraction my life would be 80% better and I wouldn't start work everyday feeling like the worst parent in the world. I been on all the parenting courses and i've tried making her morning timetables, using egg timers to give her a set amount of time, I've tried making her laugh, shouting, staying silent, walking away. I even offered her money if she can be dressed by a certain time. Whatever I do is wrong and not what she wants me to do . When I ask what she wants me to do she says she doesn't know. Is there anyone else out there having to deal with this every morning as I can't believe anyone else would be stupid enough to put up with it as much as I do. Sorry if this isn't the right forum for this but I don't know where else to turn.
That sounds so stressful - I’m really sorry! I remember that rush in the mornings so well - not a great way to start every day for any of you! First things first: you say she’s masking at school at great emotional cost to her and to you. That’s something that needs attention and help as if she is not having her needs met in school then that’s going to impact on every other area of your lives. The better you can get things for her IN school the better she will function out of school. A good metaphor is a bucket full of water - the stress being the water - if her bucket (and yours too for that matter!) is already full then any extra bit of stress will send it overflowing. So the lower you can get the overall ‘level’ the easier she will cope with any extra little pressures that come her way (and yours). Secondly - the morning routine. You’re right to allow plenty of time - getting up early is great, as is going to bed early and making sure you’ve all had plenty of sleep. Also - I think what might help you is to try to have a bit more acceptance of the fact that your daughter has autism and she’s not going to function efficiently in the mornings in the way you’d ideally like her to. Essentially - on a deep level - surrender to the idea that she has executive functioning issues due to her neurology - she can’t not have these difficulties. Truly, deeply accept that, and accept her autism 100%. If you stop viewing this as a battle you have to fight that alone will help reduce the overall stress levels in the home. You’re obviously trying everything you can think of - but she’s still struggling. Relax your approach, and she might relax a bit too, and we all function a little bit better when we are a bit more relaxed (even if it’s just a BIT!). I think offering her money is a signal to her that you are feeling quite desperate! To a degree we ‘mirror’ those around us - so if she knows that you are anxious about this she will absorb that energy too. Also - presumably you always DO manage to get her to school on time? It might be more chaotic in terms of routine than you would like - but she’s ’getting there’ nevertheless. Try to accept the slightly haphazard nature of the ‘route’ she is taking to get there. Also - it’s not forever! She may - quite naturally - change as time goes on. In any case the years will soon pass - she won’t be at school forever, she won’t be a child forever. Don’t let this practical aspect of her functioning spoil your relationship with your daughter. I’m sure she has very many wonderful qualities - remember to focus on those and praise her for those. School can be incredibly difficult for autistic children - she’s probably dealing with so many difficulties just to cope with being in school - life isn’t easy for her. Getting ready in the morning in a rush like that is doubtless very difficult for her also - and she’s probably doing the best she can. She’s just 11 after all. Remember to give her credit for that,
Re. Your other daughter - let her know how much she is helping you and her sister by being so ,independent, and how much you appreciate her. She is doing a great job and learning to be a supportive daughter and sister - that will really build her confidence and self esteem.
Thank you - this is very insightful. She has just transitioned to senior school so I know it is a very tricky time for her. The school SENCO are involved so hopefully with what they have in place the masking will ease. I often use the bucket of water analogy with her and she uses it too.
I think the acceptance of her autism is where I am struggling. I was upset when she got the diagnoses as opposed to relieved which seems to be the general consensus. I guess I was hoping it would just be a phase. I agree I don't fully understand it and am trying to read books and listen to podcasts to help so if you have any recommendations I would be grateful.
I do still feel that there are situations where she is just being awkward but it's tricky to identify which is which. My empathy is fading away and I do feel like my relationship with her is not as it should be.
Thanks again - I will try to remain more relaxed in the mornings and see if it helps.
I admire you for your honesty about how you feel about the diagnosis. It’s so important to acknowledge our true feelings in order to move forward. It’s not an easy thing to process - especially if you don’t have much experience with autism. There some key things to remember though - the most important being that this is harder for her than it is for you. Apart from anything else she’s just 11 - and her understanding of neurological differences - however intelligent she may be - is not going to be great. So she’s even more ‘at sea’ with this than you are. She desperately needs your empathy right now - so please don’t let that ‘fade away’! The problem with labels is that they make it ‘a thing’ - a seperate thing, a ‘condition’ - but autism isn’t like that. You can’t seperate your daughter’s autism from your daughter - it’s a core part of who she is. The brutal truth is that if you don’t accept your daughter’s autism then you are not accepting your daughter at the deepest level of who she is. She needs your total love, understanding and acceptance. If she’s masking at school that means she feels she doesn’t feel accepted and understood at school - so she desperately needs that when she comes home to you. Both my adult children are autistic - and I was late diagnosed - so I have a lot of experience with this. What you do now will have long term consequences for your daughter’s mental health - for good or ill. One thing that is unquestionably important for good mental health - long term as well as in the present - is the unconditional love and support of our parents - and acceptance is a huge part of that. With autistic children it’s so vital to focus on all their good qualities - they struggle with so much and that’s very damaging for their self worth and self esteem. So if their parent makes it clear to them that they also have many great qualities, that they are valued, appreciated, liked and loved - this can really help redress the balance. You can give your daughter the greatest gift by doing this, and trust me - your daughters good mental health is MUCH more important than occasionally being late for school. Good mental health is the key to so many things. Everything will be coloured by that - and also if her mental health is good then your life will also be happier and more peaceful. Let the small things go - focus on the bigger picture of her health and happiness. And by the way - if you really want her to have breakfast before getting dressed it’s ok to be firm about that - affirmation of her as a person doesn’t mean that you don’t explain to her why that is a good idea. Hopefully she will eventually see the sense in that. But if she doesn’t don’t make it a battle ground - because ultimately does it REALLY matter in the scheme of things? Often we stress about things that we can actually let go. One of my favourite phrases is ‘practice the art of letting go’ ! It’s very liberating! Ease up - not just on her, but on yourself too. Take care - and good luck! Your daughter is a precious gift - embrace who she is.