Skip to main content
Close Button
Donate
  • Replies 4 replies
  • Subscribers 89 subscribers
  • Views 1084 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Stealing teen

NAS88991
over 1 year ago
  • Hey all, I'm new! My 13 YO has just got a diagnosis, and his behaviours ahve has triggered some safeguarding issues. We have had alot of intervention, and input recently with him. We thought we had settled things, but have just discovered he has stolen a large sum of cash from us ( he has stolen from us, and from others in the past). He has used the cash to buy fiends stuff ( vaoes). 
  • I'm struggling to know how to deal with this effectively, in light of his new diagnosis. So far, we have confiscated all vape, he's obviously grounded. He has no remorse. It's hard! 
  • Any helpful suggestions would be appreciated! 
  • over 1 year ago

    I can relate to the “lack of remorse”. I was only diagnosed aged 64 but clearly my character had formed in early years, and to this day I mainly only obey rules and laws for fear of the consequences, punishment, withdrawal of privileges, financial negatives for example. As a child of similar age to your son I was a thief and quite without any sense of this being wrong, then it was all small and trivial things but later in my life not so. My parents were definitely good people, followed the Christian system of ethics and not at all laws/rule breakers themselves so the reason can’t be at their door, perhaps it is an inherently autistic thing?

    Oddly my assessor for ASC said in the dx report that I had a “clear moral compass” which I find impossible to reconcile with my complete comprehension of “one man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter”. I guess I follow and obey systems and rules I agree with and not those I don’t, but then isn’t that true for us all?

    So in my experience I don’t think there’s anything you can do to change your son’s value systems but Iain’s suggestions in his reply give possible ways of mitigating the damage in the short term 

    Emma

  • over 1 year ago

    I would consider a 2 pronged approach.

    1 - lay down the ground rules explicitly, in writing so he has no excuse to not know them. Also lay down the ground rules for punishments for breaking the rules.

    Some people are not a fan of punishments but it sounds like you have serious boundary issues with him so having boundaries that bite seems the only way to get him to respect them.

    For punishments, look at what he really likes and values. Is he a big user of his phone / lablet / computer? If so consider ways of taking these off him except in approved times and always under supervision to make it hurt. Remind him that if he follows the rules then this won't happen.

    2 - Get him a therapist to deal with are probably self esteem issues. He is clearly valuing approval from others over the family and punishments. It may be something different but the therapist should be able to sniff this out.

    As an autist and a teen I think lack of remorse is quite common. Part is that the brain has not developed the cause / effect relationships that should be triggered by his actions and part is that he is 13 - most have some rebellion in their blood at this age. Add in the lack of awareness of social rules (the autistic part of the brain) and you have an unholy trinity of factors.

    That would be my opinion anyway but it isn't very woke.