Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello.
Reaching out as many places I can find in desperation. My wife was diagnosed a year ago with high functioning autism, and our toddler daughter is highly likely to be on the spectrum also, as expressed by our paediatrician. Needless to say I’m way in over my head as a dad and husband. The endless days and nights of our daughter screaming, trying to keep her peaceful, has seriously worn on my wife and I. I became so angry, bitter, and resentful towards them both. Thankfully counselling has helped me through some of that. Our daughter is currently withholding her poops for 4 days at a time and screams at us because she gets so uncomfortable. She’s not constipated, just afraid to go. My wife lives in a constant state of burnout because she is filled with anxiety and is extremely strict when it comes to taking care of our daughter, and she won’t allow herself to be away from our daughter for any length of time. Such a long and convoluted story to get into but I appreciate any replies. I’m a words of affirmation guy so any encouragement helps.
Thank you
Hard to know what to say. NT / ND relationships can be challenging because we're on different internal operating systems. Dialogue is essential.
For your immediate problem, our own body functions can be frightening for us because the sensory mechanism called interoception (tells you when you need to eat, poo, pee, are in pain or what your emotional state is) can be radically out of kilter and impossible for us to interpret, or just way too hyperactive and intense. No wonder so many of us have IBS.
Your daughter may need explicit no nonscense instruction as to what her body is doing and what it means and a lot of reassurance that however awful defication feels to her, it won't hurt her and she'll feel better for obeyinging the call of nature.
That is interesting about about IBS. My wife has IBD and I have IBS. I certainly have been pondering if I’m on the spectrum too, but I don’t think so.
Thank you Dawn. After 6 days of withholding she finally went. No pain, no straining, no screaming. Happiest wee girl after that. However this morning she’s gone straight back to withholding and screaming at me again. My wife can barely leave the room without her freaking out and she won’t let me help her. Let me tell you we’ve tried a wide range of approaches with her to tell her it’s ok and not scary to go. She generally looks away and ignores our words. My wife often tells me it’s not fair how much work she does with our little one and it should be 50/50. I literally work myself to the bone trying to provide for and help our little one. I’m by no means perfect, but it’s like a slap in the face each time she says it to me. I know she’s stressed and overworked but I just can’t physically do anymore unless I left my full time job.
Dawn said:Your daughter may need explicit no nonscense instruction as to what her body is doing and what it means and a lot of reassurance that however awful defication feels to her, it won't hurt her and she'll feel better for obeyinging the call of nature.
If she has developed constipation then it can easily be quite sore - maybe a laxative suitable for her age would ease the initial trauma while you try to explain it to her as best you can.
It may involve you having to pretend to go to the toilet at a set time (after mealtimes at night for examples) to show her it is a routine and encourage her to do it with praise. You may want to use props for your part but the support to normalise and encourage it in a set environment may help.
Is your wife getting her own therapy? I think she is probably hitting a number of different stressers from your relationship situation, your daughters situation and her autism, all of which need their own approaches. You may need to agree with the therapist what part you need to play in getting over this big bump in the road as you are the most capable of surviving the situation without major trauma.
I understand you are suffering at the moment but you have the better capacity to deal with it and help your family come out of the other side of this with you. A big weight on your shoulders I'm afraid.
Cudos to you for staying the course and asking for help - I respect and admire your mettle.