Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello.
Reaching out as many places I can find in desperation. My wife was diagnosed a year ago with high functioning autism, and our toddler daughter is highly likely to be on the spectrum also, as expressed by our paediatrician. Needless to say I’m way in over my head as a dad and husband. The endless days and nights of our daughter screaming, trying to keep her peaceful, has seriously worn on my wife and I. I became so angry, bitter, and resentful towards them both. Thankfully counselling has helped me through some of that. Our daughter is currently withholding her poops for 4 days at a time and screams at us because she gets so uncomfortable. She’s not constipated, just afraid to go. My wife lives in a constant state of burnout because she is filled with anxiety and is extremely strict when it comes to taking care of our daughter, and she won’t allow herself to be away from our daughter for any length of time. Such a long and convoluted story to get into but I appreciate any replies. I’m a words of affirmation guy so any encouragement helps.
Thank you
Hard to know what to say. NT / ND relationships can be challenging because we're on different internal operating systems. Dialogue is essential.
For your immediate problem, our own body functions can be frightening for us because the sensory mechanism called interoception (tells you when you need to eat, poo, pee, are in pain or what your emotional state is) can be radically out of kilter and impossible for us to interpret, or just way too hyperactive and intense. No wonder so many of us have IBS.
Your daughter may need explicit no nonscense instruction as to what her body is doing and what it means and a lot of reassurance that however awful defication feels to her, it won't hurt her and she'll feel better for obeyinging the call of nature.
Thank you Dawn. After 6 days of withholding she finally went. No pain, no straining, no screaming. Happiest wee girl after that. However this morning she’s gone straight back to withholding and screaming at me again. My wife can barely leave the room without her freaking out and she won’t let me help her. Let me tell you we’ve tried a wide range of approaches with her to tell her it’s ok and not scary to go. She generally looks away and ignores our words. My wife often tells me it’s not fair how much work she does with our little one and it should be 50/50. I literally work myself to the bone trying to provide for and help our little one. I’m by no means perfect, but it’s like a slap in the face each time she says it to me. I know she’s stressed and overworked but I just can’t physically do anymore unless I left my full time job.
Benjamin said:My wife often tells me it’s not fair how much work she does with our little one and it should be 50/50. I literally work myself to the bone trying to provide for and help our little one. I’m by no means perfect, but it’s like a slap in the face each time she says it to me.
If your wife had a day job the same as you then both of you doing the child care 50:50 would be fair, but I don't think that is what she is getting at.
I think she probably needs you to acknowledge how much she is doing more often as it appears to be a huge issue for her (understandably) and you get to escape to your day job every day.
I know this is not fair, but I suspect you need to find more ways to get through the barriers here and take a lot more time with your daughter when you are home to let your wife have some space for her.
In your shoes I would be trying to track down a behavioral expert in autistic toddlers and invest in specialist advice on dealing with the situation. I'll ask my therapist if they have any recommendations in this field it you like. Let me know.
Since your daughter has a reaction against you then you and your wife could try some team work (I'm trying to think out of the box a bit here so bear with me). Maybe you both sit down together with her and your wife can use you as the surrogate for her actions - ie she will hand you some food for your daughter and say "daddy would you feel little miss monster please" and have her focus on you.
You then try to feed her, expect her to want her mum to do it but your wife needs to keep saying "no daddy is doing it this time" and you both tolerate the tantrum and persist to make it a new normal process for that meal time.
It can't be much worse than you are going through now and it should give your wife more of a chance over time to withdraw and let you handle the interactions that she has to deal with all day, everyday.
It also gets your daughter used to both of you standing firm on something as it sounds like you may have been giving in due to the persistance of your daughter.
If this gives results then sit down with your wife and ask her how she can use the times when you take over to best effect. Maybe she just needs to lie down and recharge - ask her and try to let her find a way to come down from this long running stressful situation she has been in.
You are in that same stressful situation but you get to go to work and escape (yes it isn't a picnic but it is a sane, adult change of environment) - she never gets to be away from it.
I hope you find something that works and maybe something in these suggestions can help.