Published on 12, July, 2020
Bit of a weird one this - but has anyone else had a therapist (on the nhs) who is a bit bullying? My son switched therapist because he wasn’t making any progress (after almost a year of appointments) and his therapist seemed to have run out of any ideas to help him. We thought it was odd because he was mainly needing help with ocd and as far as we understand there are fairly recognised treatments for ocd, but his therapist didn’t give him any good strategies to help him, and his ocd hadn’t improved at all. So in the end we requested a change of therapist as he was beginning to feel that if this therapist couldn’t help at all then he was doomed to always be trapped with the distressing symptoms of ocd.
So he was allocated a new therapist, which we were all pleased and hopeful about. However this new therapist always upsets him. She is incredibly pushy and forceful in a way that makes my son feel really anxious. He’s only had 3 or 4 appointments with her and she’s already demanding huge steps from him that he finds incredibly intimidating. And when he tells her that he doesn’t feel ready for that yet she says ‘if you don’t want to have therapy then just tell me’ - giving the impression of ‘it’s my way (at a quick pace!) or the highway’. Today she accused me (through him) of writing his texts for him - saying it ‘wasn’t his voice’ she could ‘hear’ in the texts - even though he wrote the texts, as I would never tell him what to say to his own therapist! He has selective mutism and at times when he was at school I’ve HAD to speak on his behalf because he couldn’t talk at all, and I’ve always hated having to do that for him, but often he needed me to to represent him and get his needs met. So because we have a history of me reluctantly HAVING to do that in the past I feel incredibly offended that anyone would suggest that I would speak for my son now in this way, and not allow him his own voice. I’ve spent the last 20 years gently encouraging him to have his own voice when at all possible - the last thing I want to do is ‘put words in his mouth’ in his messages to his therapist.
I feel this therapist is using a misogynist trope of the controlling mother, and in the process demeaning my son by inferring he couldn’t word his own texts It’s so offensive, and when he said she was wrong about it she didn’t accept it but kept on about it. At the end of the call he came and told me about it and he was really upset about it (as was I). He felt she was accusing him of lying about the texts, and my son is scrupulously honest and to be accused of not telling the truth was very upsetting for him.
He’s felt really unhappy and stressed after every appointment he’s had with her. We can’t ask for another therapist as we’ve only just done that. So what do we do? My son needs help so much but this therapist is rushing him at a pace he can’t cope with, and her tone is verging on bullying. What a mess.
Has anyone else experienced anything like this? We don’t what to do. We both feel dreadful.
Thank you for this reply Autonomistic - I really appreciate it. I’m really sorry that you had such a bad experience with your therapist. Thankfully he’s got a bit of break because she’s going on holiday. My son is going to decide what to do after one more appointment - he wants to see how the next one goes. So we shall see. I agree with you though - if she’s unsettling him in this way how on earth can it be helpful? She should be helping him to feel confident and comfortable in the process and with her. It’s very concerning.
Ditch them. A bad therapist will always do more harm than good.
You need to make a complaint about her approach and insist on a different therapist as that one will damage him if she hasn't already. Better no therapy than "therapy" that makes things worse!
I'm surprised your son had NHS therapy for a whole year, usually they have a limit of just a few sessions.
Kate Kestrel said:Heβs always had his appointment at the same time each week and this therapist refuses to promise appointments on the same day every week. This unpredictability is very hard for an autistic person but she doesnβt seem to acknowledge that. Coincidentally Iβm having therapy for ptsd and my appointments are always on the same day each week - itβs perfectly normal and yet his therapist says she canβt promise that. I donβt understand itβs like sheβs deliberately trying to unsettle him.
That in itself seems like an immediate red flag about the attitude of this therapist.
She knows that your son is autistic yet is unwilling to make even the most basic accommodation, to reduce uncertainty and allow him to focus on the actual therapy.
I've had therapy in the past which has been very damaging for me and actually made my anxiety significantly worse rather than better. Even years later some of the hurtful things they said replay in my mind when things are tough. My experiences have destroyed my trust in mental health services and I no longer engage with them at all.
I imagine your son already feels bad enough about himself without a therapist making him feel even worse. I would stop it before she can do any more damage.
It’s exhausting navigating all this isn’t it? You wait an age to get help, and then you finally get it and it’s no help (or worse than no help). I have to say my son has been let down by the ‘system’ countless times throughout his young life. At times we’ve all felt both ill and heartbroken with the stress of it all. These days we just try to limit the damage the lack of help does to us by attempting (in a buddhist type way) to reduce our attachment to the HOPE of the ‘system’ actually helping us. Right from when my son started school it’s felt like a battle to get him help, and in the end we realised that the battle was in itself harming us all.
my therapist - that I accessed through the nhs although is outsourced to a private provider - has been surprisingly helpful. I just wish I could somehow get my son to see her too. But we just can’t afford to pay a private therapist. I hope your husband is starting to feel better x
My husband had a really bad therapist on the NHS, they only let you have a 6 week block as well although that was a blessing in disguise so he could get rid of her! He got vibes that she was a recent retiree doing some volunteering she gave him no strategies and whenever he tried to talk about work (because that’s what’s been causing him stress) she would always shut him down and say he wasn’t allowed to talk about work. Now he sees a private therapist once or twice a month that his friend recommended. He can’t afford to go every week but once a month with someone good is better than nothing or someone useless every week. She was recommended by his friend who’s been seeing her a long time
Thank you. Yes - ocd really is so hard, I’m really sorry you struggle with this too. I agree with you about how background stress ‘feeds the monster’. I have briefly discussed my sons last therapist with her, and she said we should change therapist - and we did and this one is worse!
I’m sorry you experienced that - we’ve had that vibe too from various people in schools/Ed psychs etc. Being patronised is so infuriating and all too common sadly when it comes to ‘professionals’.
Sometimes it feels like such a battle trying to get help (that actually helps!) that both myself and my son sometimes feel like giving up. But I’m not an expert on ocd and I feel ill equipped to give my son the help he needs and I don’t want to let him down. It’s alway led by him, and I do my best to encourage him to work with any help he’s been given by therapists etc, but often it’s so disappointing for him when things go wrong like this. I wish I had more faith in this therapist but from what he says she really does sound awful, verging on bullying. I feel so sad and worn out, we both do.
Thank Iain,
Yes - it’s a tricky situation isn’t it? Far from ideal. We really can’t afford to pay for a private therapist unfortunately. I know what you mean about mixing roles too. Totally take your point about record keeping - always a good idea. Both myself and my son are exhausted with it all. Is it really too much to ask to find a therapist who is both kind and effective at their job?! Basic requirements really! Thanks for your advice - you make very good points and I really appreciate it.
It is a waste of everyone's time if your son is attending week after week if little or no progress will be made because of the poor relationship between therapist and client. One needs to feel in a safe space - that's half the battle.
I had a MH assessment with someone once who was condescending and belittling. I complained to the person above.
That's interesting that you have your own therapist, have you told your therapist about your concerns about your sons therapist? Maybe yours has some recomendations or knows someone who would be a better fit for your son?
I understand OCD is distressing btw, I have it myself, background stress often "feeds the monster" which is why I am so concerned to hear about how your sons therapist is treating him like this. She may even be contributing to the issue and be too proud to realise it.
π Bees π (they/them) Autism resources in bio #stoptheshock #NothingAboutUsWithoutUs said:Alternatively you can tell her off directly or go over her head to complain to a higher power.
That may be a bit strong - I would document what is happening in detail (keep emotion and opinion out of it as much as possible to keep it factual) and say that the approach is not working and you would like a different therapist.
If she is true to character then she will push back, and this is where your record taking comes it - at that point Bees is right and it is time to bypass her.
Your challenge after this is that you have already burned through 2 therapists so you will be flagged up as a possibly problematic client that may make getting another therapist on the NHS difficult, so private may be the only way to get results.
Doing it yourself is going to be a challenge as you will then be mixing roles as a caregiver / attachment figure and disciplinarian which may give mixed signals to your son. It is quite possible if you can share some of the responsibilities of these roles with someone else in your household or, better still, get them to do the therapy so your relationship remains intact.
I have considered that he could put his concerns in writing to them.
Thanks for this reply. It’s drastic advice but it is tempting - but to be honest we have tried to help him ourselves but he’s still really struggling. I do think though that we might end up with little choice but to try and all work together in a more methodical way to ease his ocd symptoms. But having spent so long on the waiting list for nhs therapy it seems crazy to walk away until he’s got some EFFECTIVE help. His ocd makes him so unhappy. I just don’t understand why this therapist seems so unsympathetic. He’s always had his appointment at the same time each week and this therapist refuses to promise appointments on the same day every week. This unpredictability is very hard for an autistic person but she doesn’t seem to acknowledge that. Coincidentally I’m having therapy for ptsd and my appointments are always on the same day each week - it’s perfectly normal and yet his therapist says she can’t promise that. I don’t understand it’s like she’s deliberately trying to unsettle him.
He feels very depressed by it all. Who wouldn’t when the person who is meant to help you only makes you feel worse. Thanks for your advice - I really appreciate it.
Alternatively you can tell her off directly or go over her head to complain to a higher power.A therapist is supposed to listen and put the concerns of the patient first so a therapist that doesn't listen is not a good therapist.
Ditch her imo, therapy isn't supposed to leave you upset, it is supposed to leave you lighter, I say ditch her now, no therapy is better than therapy that damages the ability for a child to trust a therapist, otherwise he may not trust the next one because he's had nothing but bad experiences with them. And that will cut off the ability for him to get therapy altogether.If you know what those
Kate Kestrel said:there are fairly recognised treatments for ocd
are you might be better trying to CBT from a book and do a "homebrew" exposure therapy that your son can take at his own pace.It sounds drastic but I say that because the very second he has a meltdown because her methods have overwhelmed him he will be traumatised, and it will be her fault and too late to stop it.