Published on 12, July, 2020
Bit of a weird one this - but has anyone else had a therapist (on the nhs) who is a bit bullying? My son switched therapist because he wasn’t making any progress (after almost a year of appointments) and his therapist seemed to have run out of any ideas to help him. We thought it was odd because he was mainly needing help with ocd and as far as we understand there are fairly recognised treatments for ocd, but his therapist didn’t give him any good strategies to help him, and his ocd hadn’t improved at all. So in the end we requested a change of therapist as he was beginning to feel that if this therapist couldn’t help at all then he was doomed to always be trapped with the distressing symptoms of ocd.
So he was allocated a new therapist, which we were all pleased and hopeful about. However this new therapist always upsets him. She is incredibly pushy and forceful in a way that makes my son feel really anxious. He’s only had 3 or 4 appointments with her and she’s already demanding huge steps from him that he finds incredibly intimidating. And when he tells her that he doesn’t feel ready for that yet she says ‘if you don’t want to have therapy then just tell me’ - giving the impression of ‘it’s my way (at a quick pace!) or the highway’. Today she accused me (through him) of writing his texts for him - saying it ‘wasn’t his voice’ she could ‘hear’ in the texts - even though he wrote the texts, as I would never tell him what to say to his own therapist! He has selective mutism and at times when he was at school I’ve HAD to speak on his behalf because he couldn’t talk at all, and I’ve always hated having to do that for him, but often he needed me to to represent him and get his needs met. So because we have a history of me reluctantly HAVING to do that in the past I feel incredibly offended that anyone would suggest that I would speak for my son now in this way, and not allow him his own voice. I’ve spent the last 20 years gently encouraging him to have his own voice when at all possible - the last thing I want to do is ‘put words in his mouth’ in his messages to his therapist.
I feel this therapist is using a misogynist trope of the controlling mother, and in the process demeaning my son by inferring he couldn’t word his own texts It’s so offensive, and when he said she was wrong about it she didn’t accept it but kept on about it. At the end of the call he came and told me about it and he was really upset about it (as was I). He felt she was accusing him of lying about the texts, and my son is scrupulously honest and to be accused of not telling the truth was very upsetting for him.
He’s felt really unhappy and stressed after every appointment he’s had with her. We can’t ask for another therapist as we’ve only just done that. So what do we do? My son needs help so much but this therapist is rushing him at a pace he can’t cope with, and her tone is verging on bullying. What a mess.
Has anyone else experienced anything like this? We don’t what to do. We both feel dreadful.
Ditch her imo, therapy isn't supposed to leave you upset, it is supposed to leave you lighter, I say ditch her now, no therapy is better than therapy that damages the ability for a child to trust a therapist, otherwise he may not trust the next one because he's had nothing but bad experiences with them. And that will cut off the ability for him to get therapy altogether.If you know what those
Kate Kestrel said:there are fairly recognised treatments for ocd
are you might be better trying to CBT from a book and do a "homebrew" exposure therapy that your son can take at his own pace.It sounds drastic but I say that because the very second he has a meltdown because her methods have overwhelmed him he will be traumatised, and it will be her fault and too late to stop it.
Thanks for this reply. It’s drastic advice but it is tempting - but to be honest we have tried to help him ourselves but he’s still really struggling. I do think though that we might end up with little choice but to try and all work together in a more methodical way to ease his ocd symptoms. But having spent so long on the waiting list for nhs therapy it seems crazy to walk away until he’s got some EFFECTIVE help. His ocd makes him so unhappy. I just don’t understand why this therapist seems so unsympathetic. He’s always had his appointment at the same time each week and this therapist refuses to promise appointments on the same day every week. This unpredictability is very hard for an autistic person but she doesn’t seem to acknowledge that. Coincidentally I’m having therapy for ptsd and my appointments are always on the same day each week - it’s perfectly normal and yet his therapist says she can’t promise that. I don’t understand it’s like she’s deliberately trying to unsettle him.
He feels very depressed by it all. Who wouldn’t when the person who is meant to help you only makes you feel worse. Thanks for your advice - I really appreciate it.
That's interesting that you have your own therapist, have you told your therapist about your concerns about your sons therapist? Maybe yours has some recomendations or knows someone who would be a better fit for your son?
I understand OCD is distressing btw, I have it myself, background stress often "feeds the monster" which is why I am so concerned to hear about how your sons therapist is treating him like this. She may even be contributing to the issue and be too proud to realise it.
Thank you. Yes - ocd really is so hard, I’m really sorry you struggle with this too. I agree with you about how background stress ‘feeds the monster’. I have briefly discussed my sons last therapist with her, and she said we should change therapist - and we did and this one is worse!