Loneliness

I would look in to CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) or DBT (Dialectic Behaviour Therapy) for managing his stressors about going outside. A starting point could be Sonny Jane Wise's book "The Neurodivergent Friendly Workbook of DBT Skills" - there is a section on distress tolerance. I have tried CBT myself when I got agoraphobic and it worked. I made a plan with my therapist to incrementally increase my exposure to going in to town, which previously would have lead me to have a panic attack. In a nutshell it's learning to tolerate an unpredictable situation and having a plan for if your feelings become overwhelming. Sonny Jane Wise's book is very user friendly and I would think your son could use it with your guidance. It also helps with understanding your individual autism profile, as in stressors and sensory sensitivities. Another suggestion I have is for you both to reframe what socialising looks like. Finding what the barriers are for him socialising (e g. Is it the unpredictability of conversation that he struggles with? Is it that he needs longer processing time in a conversation? Or is it some sensory aspect of other people, e g. someone could be wearing strong perfume, that he finds difficult?) and working around that. I know that my barriers to socialising are often environmental, that is where the socialising happens is a barrier, not the actual conversation part of socialising. 

Equine therapy could be a good fit for your son, or an activity like sailing or some kind of outdoor skills course. Here's an overview: https://www.verywellmind.com/equine-therapy-mental-health-treatment-4177932  My son has been volunteering at a local stables and this has had a positive effect for him. He gets to be around other young people where the focus isn't on socialising, his confidence has grown and he is in the moment (mindfulness) caring for the horses. The mindful aspect and routine of caring for other living things can be very therapeutic for anxiety. I've also found volunteering is a good way for me to be around people (I'm autistic too). I get to do something that makes me feel part of a community where the focus isn't on socialising, and spend time with people in a way that's tolerable for me. Some other ideas could be volunteering for an ecology group, for example the Woodland Trust, or conservation groups (there are river trusts all over the country), archaeology groups, geology groups, or anything based around his interests. 

I am sorry to hear about your son.  I too had problems at school and was eventually sent to the Maudsley Hospital and admitted as and inpatient before advancing to boarding school.

For any suggestions.  You could try calling the National Autistic Society to find out any help they could offer; feel free to call them on: 

I'm really sorry to hear that. You did in fact say as much too, I should have read your message more carefully. 

All the best with that which sounds like a very good idea.

Then perhaps he could talk to others if he wanted to but there's no pressure (hopefully).

Gardening is the best thing for my anxiety too.

Nothing better 

(well, apart from stalking insects).

I have been trying to register and look into lots of groups. It feels tricky to find ones that aren't in a group setting and also for our area but I came across a gardening project that sounded really good. I am waiting to hear back from them but I thought mabey if he was busy gardening it would help take his mind off the anxiety. Fingers crossed. 

Ah.  I see.

That's a bit of a dilemma then.

Are there any groups local to you run by an autism charity?

I was just wondering whether going to something like that (with you) might be tolerable, if he gets to meet others in a 'controlled' environment.

Thank you for your reply and I have seen the buddy benches which sound great but at the moment he isn't able to attend school at all he hasn't  been in months as he just had such a hard time. 

He loves being outside in nature.  His favourite thing is taking our dog long walks in the fields which we are very lucky to have all around us. As long as there are no people around. We usually have to avoid other dog walkers or he will hide behind me. But that's why it's  so difficult to meet anyone because the thought of walking by 1 person in the street is scary for him so things like clubs and socialising is so hard.

NAS87695 said:

is very lonely as he can't go outside

Not at all, not even somewhere with you, such as a club?

Shardovan said:

Sometimes loneliness needs to be explicitly communicated, and there's no shame in it - or shouldn't be. It may take some time, but a kindred spirit will one day find him. They will be worth the wait. 

Lovely story and beautifully expressed, as always.

I read this very touching thing (in this month's Doctor Who Magazine) that someone had got in touch to tell Russell T. Davies - the once and future/present exec producer of the show (he writes a lovely monthly column) about their own childhood playground loneliness. With their permission, he reprinted their words. Describing how as a young boy of about your son's age in 2005, he'd wandered the playground ignored and uncertain how to connect - every day for many months. Then the school put a 'friendship bench' in place. He sat on it every day for weeks. No takers, to the point where said it might as well have been a 'humiliation bench'. And then, one day, someone came over, said 'Did you watch that show on Saturday with the burping wheely bin that eats people?' And suddenly two (possibly neurodivergent) kids connected over a silly moment in a show they'd both go on to love. 

Maybe if your son's school doesn't have such a bench, you could suggest one? Sometimes loneliness needs to be explicitly communicated, and there's no shame in it - or shouldn't be. It may take some time, but a kindred spirit will one day find him. They will be worth the wait.