Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello, my 13 year old son has recently been diagnosed with autism after years of struggle at school. It was a relief to finally have a diagnosis but we have been struggling with school and now we are at the point he isn't attending at all. He is such an easy going extremely chatty and funny boy but is very lonely as he can't go outside and is finding it impossible to make a friend. I find it so heartbreaking when he asks me why can't he be like everyone else and chat to people. I was just wondering if anyone had any suggestions or help at all we could try? Thank you
I read this very touching thing (in this month's Doctor Who Magazine) that someone had got in touch to tell Russell T. Davies - the once and future/present exec producer of the show (he writes a lovely monthly column) about their own childhood playground loneliness. With their permission, he reprinted their words. Describing how as a young boy of about your son's age in 2005, he'd wandered the playground ignored and uncertain how to connect - every day for many months. Then the school put a 'friendship bench' in place. He sat on it every day for weeks. No takers, to the point where said it might as well have been a 'humiliation bench'. And then, one day, someone came over, said 'Did you watch that show on Saturday with the burping wheely bin that eats people?' And suddenly two (possibly neurodivergent) kids connected over a silly moment in a show they'd both go on to love.
Maybe if your son's school doesn't have such a bench, you could suggest one? Sometimes loneliness needs to be explicitly communicated, and there's no shame in it - or shouldn't be. It may take some time, but a kindred spirit will one day find him. They will be worth the wait.
Thank you for your reply and I have seen the buddy benches which sound great but at the moment he isn't able to attend school at all he hasn't been in months as he just had such a hard time.
I'm really sorry to hear that. You did in fact say as much too, I should have read your message more carefully.