Published on 12, July, 2020
Introduce yourself they said - so here I am! It took me far too long to decide on a subject but I guess Hello works.
So. Hello! Let me introduce myself. I'm a 62 year old mum and nana and I'm recently self diagnosed. Quite a number of years ago my younger (50 something year old) sister was diagnosed with autism. I remember laughing at that time and saying if she's on the spectrum then I absolutely must be but gave it no more thought.
Fast forward to now.
My adult daughter got her official autism diagnosis within the last year and since then we've spoken at great length about what her autism looks like and how it effects her. Lots of things she described really resonated with me so when she sent me some links to self tests I took them and was interested and a little bit stunned (but honestly not too surprised at this point) to find that I appear to be autistic too - however - the more I read the more I understand why I am how I am and it's such a relief to have a better level of understanding.
Suddenly - recalling how my father in law would say I could be rather blunt (even after I'd filtered what I was going to say to be less blunt) made sense. My life long struggle to make and keep friends makes sense. I used to think that my lack of empathy regarding some situations must mean that I'm a heinous person but now that makes sense too.
It's taken me so much courage to join this forum and post this because people I know have recently said to me (when I've explained that I've recently concluded that I'm autistic)
"Ah but we're all a "little bit autistic" aren't we"?
And also
"Nah you're not autistic. You're so friendly and outgoing. Such a people person"
This has been incredibly unhelpful to me.
So that's me. I'm on the cusp of believing my self diagnosis is valid and I'm not convinced that an official diagnosis will be worth pursuing but I may change my mind about that one day.
I expect I will lurk around the forums and not have a deal to say but it is a relief to be able to put my thoughts about who I am here in black and white.
Thank you for reading.
Hey Folks
Thank you so much for the welcome. Your replies have made me cry a little bit. Imposter syndrome - I get that and I keep retaking the various tests just to be sure I didn't make a mistake and get it wrong! But in my heart I absolutely know that it's not imposter syndrome and starting to understand why I am how I am is just such a huge relief. It's like a jigsaw where you find that missing piece.
Because of the "helpful" comments I've had from the few people I've tried to open up to I don't really talk about my autism much. For now it's enough for me to know and have a better level of understanding of who and why I am. My daughter and her wife know (as they told me about the tests and laughed when I told them my results. Laughed not in a mean way but in a told you so way) and I can openly speak with them about my experiences and outlook and I know they get me.
Inula
Hey *little friendly wave*
Ah, the 'helpful' comments! I honestly think some people believe they are being reassuring by encouraging you to doubt the diagnosis (somewhat missing the point). Very unhelpful, as you said.
Personally I felt I needed an official diagnosis (or the 'silly little piece of paper' as my father calls it) for my family to validate the authenticity of my experience at all, otherwise it would just have been denial all the way. Sad but true. I know self-diagnosis is enough for some people, but I guess that depends on how supportive loved ones are of the diagnosis.
Anyhoo, welcome.
Hello Inula and welcome, nice to have you with us
Relief was the overriding feeling for me also. After 35 years I am no longer searching for what's up with me and can accept myself and why i'm different
Well done for posting, it's not easy for a lot of people at first. There are lots of good souls on this forum though who are very understanding and supportive. Hope you find it as beneficial as i have
Hi Inula. Those invalidating responses from friends/family are so infuriating even if well intended. I only got that from two persons (most others could sll too easily believe it I think!), both of whom later thought about it and realised it wasn’t the right thing to say. But in the moment it leaves us vulnerable to imposter syndrome, even though we didn’t reach the conclusion we did (in my case I got formally diagnosed but others do self-diagnose as you have) for no reason. Anyway, the fact that you’re here (and not just saying the odd ‘we’re all a bit…’ and then not thinking about it again for ages) tells you all you need to know. You need support and recognition that the majority don’t. I hope you find comfort here.
Welcome Inula,
Well done for working yourself out and finding the heart to post here. Most of what you write above resonates strongly with my situation.
I do hope you will find threads that you want to join in with....I also "lurked" for ages, but it was only when I started to join in that I started to make the type of connections that have helped me feel more "me".
Heinous is a great word....and I'm glad your fears only extended to that point. Personally, (before I realised I was Autistic) I had concerns about myself that extended into far darker territory!
This forum ebbs and flows somewhat and does not seem to be "flowing" with quiet the joy and contentment that it can. My advice would be to stick with it.
You are very welcome here.
Kind regards
Number.