Autistic parent

NAS85623 thanks for what you said. I am 46 years old and heard about Asperges and the possibility to have it a week ago. I have two teens and I may be creating the same impact in their lives as your father is creating in yours. My 2 cents would be try to write him short messages, like in a post-it or using your phone. I learned it with my 12 years old daughter few months ago, and started using it to communicate with my wife and kids when I can't bear a "regular" family conversation

Yes, indeed. I agree his house. If he needs it full of **** in particular places fine, as far any one else except the mother goes.

I say this both as an autistic woman, and a woman coming out of a marriage with a guy like that and I have strong suspicious about his neurological status. I love him, will always love him, but cannot live with the **** in place of order and his refusal to clean or order anything. It bombards my sensory need.

At the end of the day, whilst we all have a right to live in our homes as we choose, we must have some regard for others who need to live with us. I totally get his need for his stuff where he needs it. I also get the wife's need for a proper home and worry for her, particularly as this disorder will get harder to handle the older she gets, while his need for it will get more entrenched the older he gets.

I'm kind of seeing both sides of the fense. Autistic, but the ordered not chaotic disordered type; but either way environment matters.

The son, has no voice here (sorry but true 'cos you could find an environment elsewhere condusive to your need), but the parents both need help to navigate their living conditions into their latter years, hence social services might not go amiss. 

Am I the only person to think it’s his house, so he can keep his junk in there if he wishes too. What is emotional violence? You didn’t give an example. My guess, form reading this, is he is simply set in his ways. He asserts routine and structure and gets worked up if it doesn’t go as planned. He’s totally oblivious to being autistic, so how is he to know what to try and do to make things easier in himself, and subsequently, you the family? Are you autistic? Because you are obviously havjng some trouble seeing things from his perspective. 

Back in the day I was that controlling person. I was having constant meltdowns and was highly agitated most of the time. My children grew up in the environment. I only realised I had autism a few years ago, and since then I’ve been able to make sense of my routine ridden past, and firm parenting. My children are fully informed, and do not blame me for anything, despite me feeling like a terrible mother. Yes, they suffered, but they know why and so do I. They accept me for me. And I’ve learn how to control myself. Your father has not had that chance. You are blaming him for something he doesn’t understand. Imagine him as a small boy not getting the help he needed. He is that person. 

What can you do about the situation I don’t know. Perhaps if he is willing you can seek some help from social services or similar? Speak to his GP about your concerns, and they may contact him.

I'd agree. First you need to know why he's like this. It could be because he is just a controlling individual who needs standing up to, or it could be that he's autistic and any change is actually deeply anxiety inducing for him. He'd need help and support to manage that.

Form his perspective, as far as you are concerned, it's his house and he can do what he likes and if aren't happy leave. He'd have a fair point. He can live anyway he wants. As far as your mother is concerned, though, big problem. I'm guessing she's elderly too and struggling to cope. This is unfair on a wife who is unlikely to be able to just go at her age. 

Might there be a role for social services?

I agree with Martin that his behaviour, well it’s abuse actually, may well be a result of other conditions. I’m also not at all controlling and in fact right through my life been a victim of it rather than a perpetrator. You may well be seeking help in the wrong place as I don’t see autism in what you have described of him, and even if he is I doubt it is the cause of his cruelty. E

It sounds very difficult for you and your Mum. I don't have advice, but do have some sympathy.

I am also undiagnosed and only realised I was autistic when my son was diagnosed. I then realised my father was also autistic. My Mum died over 20 years ago and was very sociable and patient. When my Mum died he found it very difficult to manage a lot of things. My Mum kept things tidy, but my Dad then started to add to the previously tidied away paperwork. On many occasions I tried to help him sort things but he avoided getting far. When he died there was so much to sort through which I found very hard.

When he was alive, particularly after my Mum died, things were difficult at times especially with his trying to control things. There were quite a few times I was in tears over the frustration because he could not see my point or that things he wanted me to do were unreasonable.

You mention if you could leave him to it, but even if you were not there you still have ties. I experienced the difficulty of that. It is also frustrating to not be able to communicate what this is doing to others.

Sorry this is not more helpful, but wanted you to know you are not alone. It has made me think carefully when I feel the need to be in control of things. I hope you are able to give your Mum some support in this and perhaps go somewhere together for a day out or a coffee.

While his rigidity might be an aspect of autism, he might be narcissistic, or have other character traits unconnected with neurodivergence. It is difficult to say. Does he have high levels of anxiety? About  90% of adult autistics report distressing levels of anxiety. I am autistic and have two adult children (one autistic the other with ADHD) and I am one of the least controlling, least judgmental people ever.

Sorry I was using speech to text. I understand I might be in the wrong forum