Published on 12, July, 2020
My father is going to be 80 this year. Of course he is undiagnosed his generation has no idea about atypical neurology. So it means that there are also very few papers or researchers into what it is like for a grown child to have an autistic parent, who is furthermore undiagnosed full stop it is like living with a tyrant. It is like living with a bully. There is no space for anyone but him and his rules and his regulations. If any of the rules and regulations are crossed in his mind he uses emotional violence to make sure everything stays in his place how he likes. He refuses to to update anything and keeps things for decades which means that we are living in a house filled with ***. There is no space for anyone else and when we we suggest the possibility of clearing out he has a meltdown
I understand that maybe I'm in the wrong for him here and that I need a forum for children with parents with autism but I am at my tether and I do not know what to do do. Of course the way out is to simply leave, "it's his life, leave him to it" but for a temporary time I am actually living with them. I see in my mother's eyes dread and fear anger and hatred to his absolutely unbending abusive holding of power.
Any suggestions? Any help? Anything? How to make someone aware that he is not the only person who exists in the world?
I do apologise if this post seems aggressive, but I really am at my wits end. I have been kind I have been open I have been understanding I have been empathic for months. I'm in burn out.
It sounds very difficult for you and your Mum. I don't have advice, but do have some sympathy.
I am also undiagnosed and only realised I was autistic when my son was diagnosed. I then realised my father was also autistic. My Mum died over 20 years ago and was very sociable and patient. When my Mum died he found it very difficult to manage a lot of things. My Mum kept things tidy, but my Dad then started to add to the previously tidied away paperwork. On many occasions I tried to help him sort things but he avoided getting far. When he died there was so much to sort through which I found very hard.
When he was alive, particularly after my Mum died, things were difficult at times especially with his trying to control things. There were quite a few times I was in tears over the frustration because he could not see my point or that things he wanted me to do were unreasonable.
You mention if you could leave him to it, but even if you were not there you still have ties. I experienced the difficulty of that. It is also frustrating to not be able to communicate what this is doing to others.
Sorry this is not more helpful, but wanted you to know you are not alone. It has made me think carefully when I feel the need to be in control of things. I hope you are able to give your Mum some support in this and perhaps go somewhere together for a day out or a coffee.