Published on 12, July, 2020
My father is going to be 80 this year. Of course he is undiagnosed his generation has no idea about atypical neurology. So it means that there are also very few papers or researchers into what it is like for a grown child to have an autistic parent, who is furthermore undiagnosed full stop it is like living with a tyrant. It is like living with a bully. There is no space for anyone but him and his rules and his regulations. If any of the rules and regulations are crossed in his mind he uses emotional violence to make sure everything stays in his place how he likes. He refuses to to update anything and keeps things for decades which means that we are living in a house filled with ***. There is no space for anyone else and when we we suggest the possibility of clearing out he has a meltdown
I understand that maybe I'm in the wrong for him here and that I need a forum for children with parents with autism but I am at my tether and I do not know what to do do. Of course the way out is to simply leave, "it's his life, leave him to it" but for a temporary time I am actually living with them. I see in my mother's eyes dread and fear anger and hatred to his absolutely unbending abusive holding of power.
Any suggestions? Any help? Anything? How to make someone aware that he is not the only person who exists in the world?
I do apologise if this post seems aggressive, but I really am at my wits end. I have been kind I have been open I have been understanding I have been empathic for months. I'm in burn out.
Am I the only person to think it’s his house, so he can keep his junk in there if he wishes too. What is emotional violence? You didn’t give an example. My guess, form reading this, is he is simply set in his ways. He asserts routine and structure and gets worked up if it doesn’t go as planned. He’s totally oblivious to being autistic, so how is he to know what to try and do to make things easier in himself, and subsequently, you the family? Are you autistic? Because you are obviously havjng some trouble seeing things from his perspective.
Back in the day I was that controlling person. I was having constant meltdowns and was highly agitated most of the time. My children grew up in the environment. I only realised I had autism a few years ago, and since then I’ve been able to make sense of my routine ridden past, and firm parenting. My children are fully informed, and do not blame me for anything, despite me feeling like a terrible mother. Yes, they suffered, but they know why and so do I. They accept me for me. And I’ve learn how to control myself. Your father has not had that chance. You are blaming him for something he doesn’t understand. Imagine him as a small boy not getting the help he needed. He is that person.
What can you do about the situation I don’t know. Perhaps if he is willing you can seek some help from social services or similar? Speak to his GP about your concerns, and they may contact him.
Yes, indeed. I agree his house. If he needs it full of **** in particular places fine, as far any one else except the mother goes.
I say this both as an autistic woman, and a woman coming out of a marriage with a guy like that and I have strong suspicious about his neurological status. I love him, will always love him, but cannot live with the **** in place of order and his refusal to clean or order anything. It bombards my sensory need.
At the end of the day, whilst we all have a right to live in our homes as we choose, we must have some regard for others who need to live with us. I totally get his need for his stuff where he needs it. I also get the wife's need for a proper home and worry for her, particularly as this disorder will get harder to handle the older she gets, while his need for it will get more entrenched the older he gets.
I'm kind of seeing both sides of the fense. Autistic, but the ordered not chaotic disordered type; but either way environment matters.
The son, has no voice here (sorry but true 'cos you could find an environment elsewhere condusive to your need), but the parents both need help to navigate their living conditions into their latter years, hence social services might not go amiss.