Knowing how to help my Husband...

One would like to think there was a small undemanding book you could recommend to a bloke, but all the ones I can think of, that ought to be just that, are absurdly unhelpful

Loving Mr Spock is relatively easy to get hold of.

You've no choice but for him to go through his GP to get a referral for a diagnosis, but most GPs seem pretty useless at this, coming out with various ill informed homilies like its something you grow out of, or you've got a job, it can't be, or you'd not be able to look directly at someone if you had. Far from being a means to diagnosis GPs are usually a barrier. 

longman and Hawthorn - many thanks for your support and advice :-)

I will seek out those books and make a renewed attempt to get my husband to take some action for the sake of our marriage and kids.

Is the GP the best starting place for him to seek help for possible diagnosis? (he never goes). I have contacted Maxine Aston but her services are expensive and far away from us (for those reasons he is unlikely to agree to that).

The comment on alcohol is interesting. My husband is not a big drinker either but does have his moments.

Is there a book you would recommend for my husband to read?

Certainly Aspergers/ASC is a recognised factor in marriage break ups, and there is plenty of literature on the subject, one already mentioned by funmum, above, but I could add "Asperger's Syndrome and Adults ... Is anyone listening? Essays and poems by partners, parents and family members of adults with Asperger's Syndrome" collected by Karen E Rodman, Jessica Kingsley Publishers 2003. Then there is Barbara Jacobs "Loving Mr Spock - Asperger's Syndrome and how to make your relationship work" Penguin 2003.

Because it is difficult to express emotion and respond to emotion, as well as to read the non-verbal elements, which predominate over verbal in relationships, people on the spectrum are really taxed to say and do the right things. It easily comes down to practical and factual, with no softening of the edges, or understanding whether something said is hurtful.

So while I understand openheart may be implying that such behaviour has lots of explanations - why not go all out and say its just men! - men unfortunately do seem to get branded as unsympathetic.

My understanding of the situation, not from personal experience as I don't have the wherewithall to form relationships, is that what you describe can be down to ASC factors and needs to be taken seriously.

Good luck

Hi Morgie

I am a husband, who is going through a process of Aspergers diagnosis.

I sound similar to your husband (we also have an 11 year old son with AS).

Until recently, my behaviour drove my wife to wanting to end our 13 year marriage.

She could not take my mood swings, arrogance and impulsiveness any more.

I love my wife an family dearly, and this coming to a head gave me the kick up the @rse i needed to do something.

My advice is thus..

Your husband has to help himself...no one else can do it for him

Make it clear to him that he needs to do something if you are to survive as a married unit.

Be open an honest with each other.

One further point is that i was never a big drinker, but since i have stopped completely i am feeling so much stronger. AS/Aspergers especially do not go well with Alcohol IMHO

I know that my comment might have come across as judgemental, Openheart but I have a son diagnosed with asperger's so I do know what it is all about. It is a lot harder for the partner of a suspected AS adult to support them and get recognition for the problems in a relationship if the suspected AS adult does not think there is a problem and won't seek help. What would you say to my husband about going for a diagnosis? I have had counselling for years but my husband does not believe in it.

quote "The seemingly arrogant and uncaring behaviour is actually very hurtful and draining"

That statement covers a lot of personality types from psychopaths to every person on the street, it does not clarify Aspergers nor ASD.

As both posts have stated, " My husband has not been diagnosed" so it is all just speculation. I wonder how many puesdoaspergers exist in the eyes of a failed relationship in denial.

Until a professional assesses your husbands for Aspergers, your posts are just semantic. Not diagnosed until diagnosed.

I would suggest you both get marriage guidance counselling or contact a GP for an Autism test referral, telling them that you relationship has interpersonal difficulties mostly from your husbands side.

Good Luck ladies

Hi Morgie

I have not posted on this topic before. My husband is not diagnosed either and is not open to the possibility. Knowing about ASD had helped me understand him better but I need him to try to understand me too. The seemingly arrogant and uncaring behaviour is actually very hurtful and draining, I find, whether it is intended or not. It is only when he makes a real effort to engage with my concerns that progress is made. Otherwise it is all 'my problem'. Sometimes it is easier not to say and do anything to upset things but this is not healthy for a long term relationship.

So I don't think you should accommodate your husband's behaviour. You can try to understand him and be supportive but you need an outlet for your feelings too. Having said that, there is a good book which outlines the ways you can be supportive and recognises the problems couples face: "The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome" by Maxine Aston (NAS bookshop).

Good Luck!