AS and marriage communication

Hi, all I can say is communication is the biggest part of any marriage. I know it’s often not easy for autistic people to communicate our feelings, but I can only say how much worse it was before I realised I’m autistic. It is a bit of a learning process on both sides and is ongoing.  I try to explain how I’m feeling and what is triggering me. In some situations it only needs  a small adjustment to stop a breakdown of communication or me going into what my wife used to call ‘radio silence’ or obviously a shutdown. We now know that things like social invitations don’t need to cause weeks of hell. We just talk now as she knows it’s a big cause of anxiety for me, it doesn’t need to be a huge argument. I also obviously accept that she has a life and wants to mix with people.  Eating together and sometimes just adapting a meal slightly seems to work as well. Touch is another area we are still working on.

I get this 100% but also now, i used to force myself to do things I didnt want to do.  It would cause me anxiety and then guilt if i didn't want to do something trivial.....like visiting a relative or something like that.

Now, i just say no and explain why.  No issue if you can explain the reasons why.  Luckily, my partner now understands the reasons why, rather than just thinking i was being anti social......but....

By god, its so hard to speak about what goes on in my head.  I literally have to boot a door in through my psyche to get the words to match the feelings because..... it doesnt make sense to me.  It makes a HUGE difference though.  

Like you, i would shut down......often over trival stuff.  Lock myself in the bathroom......at my worst, used to self harm because I couldnt speak about it because i didnt have a reason.  Now i do and just a few simple words can make what would have been a bad, a good day.....just by talking.  

That is exactly how my relationship was, the hardest part was to talk. I’ve never been the most verbal person. Trying to explain what is going on in my head isn’t easy. It sounds weird but finding out I’m autistic saved my marriage. I knew that I was going to loose her if I didn’t open up. My wife tries to understand and says that the days of silence or arguing were worse. I would sometimes instigate an argument so I didn’t have to go to something. I’ve told he that I would never use autism as an excuse, but it is a reason.

That is exactly how my relationship was, the hardest part was to talk. I’ve never been the most verbal person. Trying to explain what is going on in my head isn’t easy. It sounds weird but finding out I’m autistic saved my marriage. I knew that I was going to loose her if I didn’t open up. My wife tries to understand and says that the days of silence or arguing were worse. I would sometimes instigate an argument so I didn’t have to go to something. I’ve told he that I would never use autism as an excuse, but it is a reason.

Same for me.  I would never use it as an excuse either.  But..... like you said it does give anyones partner who lives with someone who is autistic a little more understanding.

Also, if you dont know you are but find out......then you can see how your brain is working and then adapt and to see what your 'faults' are and then..... finding why you can sometimes be annoying lol.  Researching it really helped as well.  Mindblowing to see other people in the same situation.

Its the not knowing thats a problem.  I cant imagine how many people who have been in relationships and seen them fail because its been missed.  Its a shame.

If they didnt pick it up with me, my marriage would have been in serious trouble.  Now, with a few adjustments on both parts......Its really good.