AS and marriage communication

Keep talking even when it gets hard.

Put things in writing if you can't get your words out.  That also helps me figure out my feelings. 

Have patience.  Understand that there are barriers to communication and that's not anyone's fault, but it may take some effort to work around.

I don't know if my partner counts as NT because she's trans, but she's not autistic like me.  We make it work- better than some other NT relationships as far as I can tell.  Autism means you get honesty, not game playing.

Same for me.  I would never use it as an excuse either.  But..... like you said it does give anyones partner who lives with someone who is autistic a little more understanding.

Also, if you dont know you are but find out......then you can see how your brain is working and then adapt and to see what your 'faults' are and then..... finding why you can sometimes be annoying lol.  Researching it really helped as well.  Mindblowing to see other people in the same situation.

Its the not knowing thats a problem.  I cant imagine how many people who have been in relationships and seen them fail because its been missed.  Its a shame.

If they didnt pick it up with me, my marriage would have been in serious trouble.  Now, with a few adjustments on both parts......Its really good.

That is exactly how my relationship was, the hardest part was to talk. I’ve never been the most verbal person. Trying to explain what is going on in my head isn’t easy. It sounds weird but finding out I’m autistic saved my marriage. I knew that I was going to loose her if I didn’t open up. My wife tries to understand and says that the days of silence or arguing were worse. I would sometimes instigate an argument so I didn’t have to go to something. I’ve told he that I would never use autism as an excuse, but it is a reason.

I get this 100% but also now, i used to force myself to do things I didnt want to do.  It would cause me anxiety and then guilt if i didn't want to do something trivial.....like visiting a relative or something like that.

Now, i just say no and explain why.  No issue if you can explain the reasons why.  Luckily, my partner now understands the reasons why, rather than just thinking i was being anti social......but....

By god, its so hard to speak about what goes on in my head.  I literally have to boot a door in through my psyche to get the words to match the feelings because..... it doesnt make sense to me.  It makes a HUGE difference though.  

Like you, i would shut down......often over trival stuff.  Lock myself in the bathroom......at my worst, used to self harm because I couldnt speak about it because i didnt have a reason.  Now i do and just a few simple words can make what would have been a bad, a good day.....just by talking.  

Oh there are successful NT-ND relationships of all sorts.  My lovely boss was perfect.  We both kind of got that we contrast and complement each other's strength and weaknesses.  Both my best friends are NT and we communicate loads.

Our communication styles do differ markedly though and leave room for misunderstanding aplenty.  I guess the key is to both learn about how the other communicates as in depth as you can.  That way you'll both be aware when and how something might not have got through and perhaps agree a strategy for when that doesn't work.  Say, if either of you think the other hasn't understood, you'll try writing a note.  Or you'll both try to cultivate a habit of checking your understanding, say frequently asking: "So, have I understood correctly that what you mean is....?"  

NAS83275 said:

I am hoping to discover that there are successful AS-NT relationships out there.

There are.  I think mine is as successful as I could hope for.

NAS83275 said:

I joined the group partly to find out tips and strategies for improving communication in marriage, and also I want to give my wife some hope for the future.

It would be useful if you could say where your own relationship falls down in terms of communication.

Otherwise, I could just randomly speak about mine but in fact, the areas that are weakest in mine could be strongest in yours + vice versa.

Also, I assume it's not just within the context of  'marriage' but within 'living together' relationships that you'd like to hear the experience of others?

Hi, all I can say is communication is the biggest part of any marriage. I know it’s often not easy for autistic people to communicate our feelings, but I can only say how much worse it was before I realised I’m autistic. It is a bit of a learning process on both sides and is ongoing.  I try to explain how I’m feeling and what is triggering me. In some situations it only needs  a small adjustment to stop a breakdown of communication or me going into what my wife used to call ‘radio silence’ or obviously a shutdown. We now know that things like social invitations don’t need to cause weeks of hell. We just talk now as she knows it’s a big cause of anxiety for me, it doesn’t need to be a huge argument. I also obviously accept that she has a life and wants to mix with people.  Eating together and sometimes just adapting a meal slightly seems to work as well. Touch is another area we are still working on.