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AS and marriage communication

NAS83275

Hi My name is Steven,

I have been recently diagnosed with high functioning autism. 

I joined the group partly to find out tips and strategies for improving communication in marriage, and also I want to give my wife some hope for the future. I am hoping to discover that there are successful AS-NT relationships out there.

All tips, solutions, strategies welcome.

Thanks. 

  • Keep talking even when it gets hard.

    Put things in writing if you can't get your words out.  That also helps me figure out my feelings. 

    Have patience.  Understand that there are barriers to communication and that's not anyone's fault, but it may take some effort to work around.

    I don't know if my partner counts as NT because she's trans, but she's not autistic like me.  We make it work- better than some other NT relationships as far as I can tell.  Autism means you get honesty, not game playing.

  • Oh there are successful NT-ND relationships of all sorts.  My lovely boss was perfect.  We both kind of got that we contrast and complement each other's strength and weaknesses.  Both my best friends are NT and we communicate loads.

    Our communication styles do differ markedly though and leave room for misunderstanding aplenty.  I guess the key is to both learn about how the other communicates as in depth as you can.  That way you'll both be aware when and how something might not have got through and perhaps agree a strategy for when that doesn't work.  Say, if either of you think the other hasn't understood, you'll try writing a note.  Or you'll both try to cultivate a habit of checking your understanding, say frequently asking: "So, have I understood correctly that what you mean is....?"  

  • Hi, all I can say is communication is the biggest part of any marriage. I know it’s often not easy for autistic people to communicate our feelings, but I can only say how much worse it was before I realised I’m autistic. It is a bit of a learning process on both sides and is ongoing.  I try to explain how I’m feeling and what is triggering me. In some situations it only needs  a small adjustment to stop a breakdown of communication or me going into what my wife used to call ‘radio silence’ or obviously a shutdown. We now know that things like social invitations don’t need to cause weeks of hell. We just talk now as she knows it’s a big cause of anxiety for me, it doesn’t need to be a huge argument. I also obviously accept that she has a life and wants to mix with people.  Eating together and sometimes just adapting a meal slightly seems to work as well. Touch is another area we are still working on.