Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi there,
First of all, let me introduce myself (anonymously of course). I am a married father of a 7 yr old boy who has had an Autism diagnosis within the last 6 months, after 2 yrs of hard work trying to understand what we were dealing with. He has a younger sibling of 4yrs. He has a lot of sensory issues, tics and high anxiety, and is a clever boy, not struggling to meet expected educational milestones. He is very much a loved boy, but as parents we are struggling to cope with some of his behaviour towards us, and others lately.
He loves us very much and is very loving towards us, often wanting cuddles and to be with us. However we're finding it difficult at times with his oppositional/defiant behaviour and emotional/angry outbursts. Everything seems to be so difficult for him to do. He refuses to do things we ask, and punitive measures do not work (such as timeout or taking toys away). He won't eat anything that isn't just as he wants it, and he's speaking to us very rudely, demanding things. Everything has to be on his terms and he gets cross quickly if things aren't going as he plans. He is also very shy outside of home and often won't talk to or acknowledge others, even if he knows them reasonably well. He is highly sensitive to being hurt, like if he gets a splinter he screams like he's had his finger chopped off, the overreactions are quite challenging.
Lately his angry outbursts have been more frequent and he is beginning to hit or lash out at us and his sibling. I've been doing research on the internet (using trusted sources) as to what we could be dealing with as a possible co-morbidity, and ODD has stood out a bit.
Has anyone else had similar experiences? Feel like we just need to know if this is common, and we're not alone! My wife is finding things very upsetting and is struggling with this emotionally, often in tears when he acts out in public.
Also, if anyone can point us in the direction of any help with regards managing this behaviour...we'd ideally want to speak with someone who can tell us what to expect and how we can best manage this so it doesn't develop further.
Many thanks for reading.
I totally agree - school isn't really a suitable environment for a child with such strong sensory processing issues. I only wish we could find the answer to what would make him most happy and contented in school - we can't afford private education or home-schooling. He gets by ok, and is achieving or exceeding expected standards, but I hate that he finds it so difficult.
Thanks for your reply. It's unbelievably comforting to know we're not alone in this. Our boy has issues EVERY breakfast, so you're definitely not alone in that one. All we all want is the best for our kids - for them to be happy, well adjusted and kind. Autistic kids can be those things, but they have challenges...we can't expect more of him... It is a disability after all. I wish you all the best with your son.
You're absolutely right, he is 7 yrs old, he doesn't know HOW to be anything other than himself - bless him. I think we need to make more adjustments for him, and to be more patient when he is having a meltdown
Wow - some good insight and advice here. Thank you for taking the time to reply in such depth
I'm not sure what ABA is exactly, but I thank you both for your comments.
School can be a pressure cooker. It builds up until one day they burst. I know you weren't asking, but could I suggest trying to spend time creating a way for him to open up as much as he can about what is happening. It's a sensory nightmare, sometimes we fight to just make it through the day and barely learn anything. Autistic children are vulnerable. They cannot just create psychological defences as their NTypical peers. They all need help creating a way to feel protected so they can thrive.
Hi! I'm feeling exactly the same this morning. My 8 year old has been diagnosed as having autism and his behaviour is just getting worse at the moment.
Mainly it's around getting ready for school in the morning and getting ready for bed.
I'm exhausted. I feel your pain!
Oh boy. Every autistic kid is different. And every parent of an autistic kid is "winging it" as the T-shirts say, for good reason.
No, punitive measures are pointless. Your kid is operating on some other system and he is distressed by things no one else gets. There's nothing malicious in him, but he must be so frustrated.
I wish I had a crystal ball inside his head, bet you do too. Try to take his cue, if you can, if it makes sense in any way. One thing is sure, he can't be anything other than him.
Respectfully I'm not sure about where pic is going. ABA...well has a reputation for more harm than good. It s one of those things that kind of makes me glad no one did diagnose me in the 70s. I might have had this 'damaging' help.
You have asked if anyone has similar experiences. My son has high anxiety. If something feels like a demand this causes a reaction. I have heard it referred to as Jekyll and Hyde so my normally quiet and caring son reacts. One thing we do is keeps demands to a minimum and look for different ways to ask, such as giving more than one option or giving warning. If something needs doing but time is flexible I will check what time he will do it. When his anxiety grows, the way he responds does not match how he usually is. He may react in a way that seems rude.
I learnt that time out doesn't work, either time in or saying that something is not appropriate then carrying on. If an apology is needed it may need to be brief or in his own timing.
You say everything has to be on his terms. That may be because a demand causes a feeling of being out of control which increases anxiety.
Being shy outside of the home. My son can see someone in a different environment and you would think he had never seen them before.
Over reaction to being hurt. This too is familiar. When my son, now 14 was younger neighbours might have thought he had been badly injured when he just needed a plaster. I learnt he coped better if he put the plaster on himself. Taking medicine was another challenge. I think you get to the stage where you take a deep breath and calmly deal with it knowing that's just the way it is. It does get a little easier, but is down to oversensitivity and anxiety over how bad something might be.
Sometimes changing behaviour can be a case of can't rather than won't. As a parent you learn ways of diverting before things get to the stage where the brain struggles to think rationally. As my son has got older outbursts have reduced and he is gradually managing things a little better when the answer is no
Regarding being out in public it is a combination of planning where possible to avoid triggers, so clothes shopping at a time in the day where it is quieter, keeping the length of time out to a minimum and possibly having something to look forward to after or confirming the time you will be going home may all help. Failing that if he reacts when he is out it is helpful to describe how difficult it must be to help you keep calm and hopefully others around you to understand.
Looking at books, articles about therapeutic parenting are also helpful for ideas.
It is hard, but finding different strategies helps and remembering it is the anxiety causing these problems not a decision by the child.
Just for some clarity, the sources you are looking at, do they suggest using the term 'autistic child' or 'child with autism'. Being autistic is simply a different way of experience and reasoning with the world. But we are impacted far more severely than our Typical peers. So the question you may want to ask is What is he Responding to? What He is dealing with (rather than what we are...)
The problem with managing behaviour is the initial bias that Autistic humans perceive the same and have the same motives - they don't. An autistic child out of sorts is most likely experiencing trauma - this may not be your fault in the least, but will require human-friendly adjustments.
Let's start with their Heightened Senses (internal and external) so a healthy well-researched autistic adult will be able to match hard wired instruments in calculating sound, frequency, light spectrum, scent, tasting notes, chemicals, etc. These are excellent for Acousticians, Electricians, Physics engineers, Sommeliers, and so on. When the gas technician arrives, one hopes they can smell or 'feel' to the equivalent of their gear. As a child, without proper training in a society where dB levels are too loud, frequencies are too harsh, light sources are piercing and damaging to the retina, and children who haven't had 30-40 years to adjust, it's incredibly painful. Assume your child could work well in the wild.
This same overwhelming ability to collect information without the years of learned discipline to identify and decipher applies to psychological and emotional things happening 'in thin air' between others and also with themselves.
Which leads to Issues with Language. Compound this heightened sensory and sharp ability to make connexions and calculation with an inability to use language to describe it and one is incredibly frustrated. How you can help: Identifications, terminology, help him to understand how a thing functions. Be mindful of your own pragmatics. Autistics might use their whole brain to understand a thing - the mechanics of it, the way it operates, how a thing works in another environment. While NeuroTypical humans tend to be Asymmetrical with reasoning focused on social elements: language + semiotics. Because of this, we're not catching the nuances, reading between the lines, we're using language like any other tool, to function as a pragmatic means of basic communication. This is not how language is actually used with NeuroTypical individuals. It's complex and subtle and involves much more than just a dictionary. I double check words I'm using still in order to work out if I am communicating properly. I double check meaning and the current virus signalling. I withhold a response if I'm unsure if someone is looking for an echo chamber or genuinely asking a question. When I was young I just broke down in to a puddle for lack of words to match the incredible vivid imagery in my head. I could never have guessed how language and symbols and expressions and human 'theatrics' are used. Even still I trip over it a bit.
Autistic humans can be analytic by nature. NeuroTypical humans social by nature. This means you may need to explain the ethics, rules, principles fundamentals of a process or form of expression in order for him to understand and retain the information. It may mean buying an encyclopaedia and doing a bit of research on why we speak politely and how polite speaking can be used to dominate. Just saying not to do a thing might not make sense and won't be retained if it's a nebulous chaotic function and adults do it all the time.
Autistic children can have additional Neuro-wires being crossed. Sounds can get confused with processing colours (Synesthesia). Symbols can melt together on a page (dyslexia). They might for some unknown reason be able to stack blocks but cannot tie their shoes. This is not resistance. It is a genuine issue. It applies to any physical activity. And being hyper-sensory emotionally there is a compounded frustration of knowing you should be able to do something while your physical body won't respond! Elderly individuals talk about this after they've had a stroke. The smaller the task the bigger the failure, and an overwhelming flood of emotions will follow.
But remember, a needle may feel like a brick. Hyper-Sensory is the inability to dull ones senses. Apparently it might be due to different Beta band waves in the brain. This is amazing when they become a 4 star chef. It simply requires hugging out as children.
For any child, a key to helping them learn is to present a few ideas for them to choose from. Or respectfully ask "How would you like to help" and then present some selections. I personally just helped my son with every task until he asserted his desire to do it alone. At 10 I performed an overhaul on his bedroom when it hit an undesirable state and it was the last time he let me clean as he couldn't find anything. Mission accomplished. Let them become and "win" in their own time and they will be much more mature for it.
What we can do as parents is be incredibly mindful about making certain our words/actions match. To further, make sure our intentions match. We can treat our children with more respect than clients - give them enough warning on what is happening. Give them a clock and help them understand the schedule. Make sure they know we want to talk, but give me 5-10 minutes to finish this thing. Reinforce finishing One Task at a time. Don't interrupt (I cannot repeat this enough). Never interrupt an Autistic child ("Not trying to interrupt, but just a 20 minute warning to finish for dinner - here's a timer"). This also teaches them to not interrupt. As parents, we have to sort out our habits if we expect children to mirror ideal behaviour. Sometimes we're thrown into parenthood and have to just adjust as we go along. Sometimes what society is OK with is actually a bit nonsense.
Ideally, your autistic child will function better with a household of solid values and principles, kindness, halogen bulbs (lightaware.org) in their bedroom, and when simply given help - especially if personal dignity is at stake.
Hello sir. I have a picture that shows outcome of a long chain of events. From what you said, it feels like your son is heading towards that outcome as well.
Thank you Anna for your reply. I'll certainly look into these. Taking comfort in knowing we're not the only ones going through this.
Hi NAS79290, welcome to the online community. Individuals on the spectrum can often display behaviour that may be challenging. There will generally be a reason for this and it is important to try and understand the trigger for the behaviour when developing strategies. You may like to have a look at the following link for more information on behaviour and strategies for your son:
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour
You may be interested in seeking some professional support regarding the behaviour. You can search for professionals in your area we are aware of on the Autism Services Directory:
https://www.autism.org.uk/directory
You might also like to take a look at The Challenging Behaviour Foundation website for further information and advice: https://www.challengingbehaviour.org.uk. They also have an information and support service which you can contact by phone or email – details can be found here: https://www.challengingbehaviour.org.uk/for-family-carers/family-support-service/.
I hope these help.
Best wishes,
Anna Mod
Just to add, I am not a healthcare professional, and so I'm not looking to diagnose anything...and I certainly don't want to put any labels on my boy - I am not qualified to do anything like that. I am just trying to seek advice as to what we could be dealing with, is there anything we can do or any interventions that are needed before things get worse etc.