Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi there,
First of all, let me introduce myself (anonymously of course). I am a married father of a 7 yr old boy who has had an Autism diagnosis within the last 6 months, after 2 yrs of hard work trying to understand what we were dealing with. He has a younger sibling of 4yrs. He has a lot of sensory issues, tics and high anxiety, and is a clever boy, not struggling to meet expected educational milestones. He is very much a loved boy, but as parents we are struggling to cope with some of his behaviour towards us, and others lately.
He loves us very much and is very loving towards us, often wanting cuddles and to be with us. However we're finding it difficult at times with his oppositional/defiant behaviour and emotional/angry outbursts. Everything seems to be so difficult for him to do. He refuses to do things we ask, and punitive measures do not work (such as timeout or taking toys away). He won't eat anything that isn't just as he wants it, and he's speaking to us very rudely, demanding things. Everything has to be on his terms and he gets cross quickly if things aren't going as he plans. He is also very shy outside of home and often won't talk to or acknowledge others, even if he knows them reasonably well. He is highly sensitive to being hurt, like if he gets a splinter he screams like he's had his finger chopped off, the overreactions are quite challenging.
Lately his angry outbursts have been more frequent and he is beginning to hit or lash out at us and his sibling. I've been doing research on the internet (using trusted sources) as to what we could be dealing with as a possible co-morbidity, and ODD has stood out a bit.
Has anyone else had similar experiences? Feel like we just need to know if this is common, and we're not alone! My wife is finding things very upsetting and is struggling with this emotionally, often in tears when he acts out in public.
Also, if anyone can point us in the direction of any help with regards managing this behaviour...we'd ideally want to speak with someone who can tell us what to expect and how we can best manage this so it doesn't develop further.
Many thanks for reading.
Just for some clarity, the sources you are looking at, do they suggest using the term 'autistic child' or 'child with autism'. Being autistic is simply a different way of experience and reasoning with the world. But we are impacted far more severely than our Typical peers. So the question you may want to ask is What is he Responding to? What He is dealing with (rather than what we are...)
The problem with managing behaviour is the initial bias that Autistic humans perceive the same and have the same motives - they don't. An autistic child out of sorts is most likely experiencing trauma - this may not be your fault in the least, but will require human-friendly adjustments.
Let's start with their Heightened Senses (internal and external) so a healthy well-researched autistic adult will be able to match hard wired instruments in calculating sound, frequency, light spectrum, scent, tasting notes, chemicals, etc. These are excellent for Acousticians, Electricians, Physics engineers, Sommeliers, and so on. When the gas technician arrives, one hopes they can smell or 'feel' to the equivalent of their gear. As a child, without proper training in a society where dB levels are too loud, frequencies are too harsh, light sources are piercing and damaging to the retina, and children who haven't had 30-40 years to adjust, it's incredibly painful. Assume your child could work well in the wild.
This same overwhelming ability to collect information without the years of learned discipline to identify and decipher applies to psychological and emotional things happening 'in thin air' between others and also with themselves.
Which leads to Issues with Language. Compound this heightened sensory and sharp ability to make connexions and calculation with an inability to use language to describe it and one is incredibly frustrated. How you can help: Identifications, terminology, help him to understand how a thing functions. Be mindful of your own pragmatics. Autistics might use their whole brain to understand a thing - the mechanics of it, the way it operates, how a thing works in another environment. While NeuroTypical humans tend to be Asymmetrical with reasoning focused on social elements: language + semiotics. Because of this, we're not catching the nuances, reading between the lines, we're using language like any other tool, to function as a pragmatic means of basic communication. This is not how language is actually used with NeuroTypical individuals. It's complex and subtle and involves much more than just a dictionary. I double check words I'm using still in order to work out if I am communicating properly. I double check meaning and the current virus signalling. I withhold a response if I'm unsure if someone is looking for an echo chamber or genuinely asking a question. When I was young I just broke down in to a puddle for lack of words to match the incredible vivid imagery in my head. I could never have guessed how language and symbols and expressions and human 'theatrics' are used. Even still I trip over it a bit.
Autistic humans can be analytic by nature. NeuroTypical humans social by nature. This means you may need to explain the ethics, rules, principles fundamentals of a process or form of expression in order for him to understand and retain the information. It may mean buying an encyclopaedia and doing a bit of research on why we speak politely and how polite speaking can be used to dominate. Just saying not to do a thing might not make sense and won't be retained if it's a nebulous chaotic function and adults do it all the time.
Autistic children can have additional Neuro-wires being crossed. Sounds can get confused with processing colours (Synesthesia). Symbols can melt together on a page (dyslexia). They might for some unknown reason be able to stack blocks but cannot tie their shoes. This is not resistance. It is a genuine issue. It applies to any physical activity. And being hyper-sensory emotionally there is a compounded frustration of knowing you should be able to do something while your physical body won't respond! Elderly individuals talk about this after they've had a stroke. The smaller the task the bigger the failure, and an overwhelming flood of emotions will follow.
But remember, a needle may feel like a brick. Hyper-Sensory is the inability to dull ones senses. Apparently it might be due to different Beta band waves in the brain. This is amazing when they become a 4 star chef. It simply requires hugging out as children.
For any child, a key to helping them learn is to present a few ideas for them to choose from. Or respectfully ask "How would you like to help" and then present some selections. I personally just helped my son with every task until he asserted his desire to do it alone. At 10 I performed an overhaul on his bedroom when it hit an undesirable state and it was the last time he let me clean as he couldn't find anything. Mission accomplished. Let them become and "win" in their own time and they will be much more mature for it.
What we can do as parents is be incredibly mindful about making certain our words/actions match. To further, make sure our intentions match. We can treat our children with more respect than clients - give them enough warning on what is happening. Give them a clock and help them understand the schedule. Make sure they know we want to talk, but give me 5-10 minutes to finish this thing. Reinforce finishing One Task at a time. Don't interrupt (I cannot repeat this enough). Never interrupt an Autistic child ("Not trying to interrupt, but just a 20 minute warning to finish for dinner - here's a timer"). This also teaches them to not interrupt. As parents, we have to sort out our habits if we expect children to mirror ideal behaviour. Sometimes we're thrown into parenthood and have to just adjust as we go along. Sometimes what society is OK with is actually a bit nonsense.
Ideally, your autistic child will function better with a household of solid values and principles, kindness, halogen bulbs (lightaware.org) in their bedroom, and when simply given help - especially if personal dignity is at stake.
Wow - some good insight and advice here. Thank you for taking the time to reply in such depth