Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi there,
First of all, let me introduce myself (anonymously of course). I am a married father of a 7 yr old boy who has had an Autism diagnosis within the last 6 months, after 2 yrs of hard work trying to understand what we were dealing with. He has a younger sibling of 4yrs. He has a lot of sensory issues, tics and high anxiety, and is a clever boy, not struggling to meet expected educational milestones. He is very much a loved boy, but as parents we are struggling to cope with some of his behaviour towards us, and others lately.
He loves us very much and is very loving towards us, often wanting cuddles and to be with us. However we're finding it difficult at times with his oppositional/defiant behaviour and emotional/angry outbursts. Everything seems to be so difficult for him to do. He refuses to do things we ask, and punitive measures do not work (such as timeout or taking toys away). He won't eat anything that isn't just as he wants it, and he's speaking to us very rudely, demanding things. Everything has to be on his terms and he gets cross quickly if things aren't going as he plans. He is also very shy outside of home and often won't talk to or acknowledge others, even if he knows them reasonably well. He is highly sensitive to being hurt, like if he gets a splinter he screams like he's had his finger chopped off, the overreactions are quite challenging.
Lately his angry outbursts have been more frequent and he is beginning to hit or lash out at us and his sibling. I've been doing research on the internet (using trusted sources) as to what we could be dealing with as a possible co-morbidity, and ODD has stood out a bit.
Has anyone else had similar experiences? Feel like we just need to know if this is common, and we're not alone! My wife is finding things very upsetting and is struggling with this emotionally, often in tears when he acts out in public.
Also, if anyone can point us in the direction of any help with regards managing this behaviour...we'd ideally want to speak with someone who can tell us what to expect and how we can best manage this so it doesn't develop further.
Many thanks for reading.
You have asked if anyone has similar experiences. My son has high anxiety. If something feels like a demand this causes a reaction. I have heard it referred to as Jekyll and Hyde so my normally quiet and caring son reacts. One thing we do is keeps demands to a minimum and look for different ways to ask, such as giving more than one option or giving warning. If something needs doing but time is flexible I will check what time he will do it. When his anxiety grows, the way he responds does not match how he usually is. He may react in a way that seems rude.
I learnt that time out doesn't work, either time in or saying that something is not appropriate then carrying on. If an apology is needed it may need to be brief or in his own timing.
You say everything has to be on his terms. That may be because a demand causes a feeling of being out of control which increases anxiety.
Being shy outside of the home. My son can see someone in a different environment and you would think he had never seen them before.
Over reaction to being hurt. This too is familiar. When my son, now 14 was younger neighbours might have thought he had been badly injured when he just needed a plaster. I learnt he coped better if he put the plaster on himself. Taking medicine was another challenge. I think you get to the stage where you take a deep breath and calmly deal with it knowing that's just the way it is. It does get a little easier, but is down to oversensitivity and anxiety over how bad something might be.
Sometimes changing behaviour can be a case of can't rather than won't. As a parent you learn ways of diverting before things get to the stage where the brain struggles to think rationally. As my son has got older outbursts have reduced and he is gradually managing things a little better when the answer is no
Regarding being out in public it is a combination of planning where possible to avoid triggers, so clothes shopping at a time in the day where it is quieter, keeping the length of time out to a minimum and possibly having something to look forward to after or confirming the time you will be going home may all help. Failing that if he reacts when he is out it is helpful to describe how difficult it must be to help you keep calm and hopefully others around you to understand.
Looking at books, articles about therapeutic parenting are also helpful for ideas.
It is hard, but finding different strategies helps and remembering it is the anxiety causing these problems not a decision by the child.