How long to adjust to diagnosis?

Thanks consciousbadger and everyone else for being so welcoming, it's really appreciated and I feel better about it all today. 

I like the idea of writing to my wife, I broach most emotional subjects via text message first (even when she's sat next to me) as I find it probably the most easy medium to control my emotional reactions. I realise to many this would be odd, and I know previous partners I'd had would put me down for it, but my wife is amazing and takes my eccentricities in her stride so I think I probably need to prep a bigger text in my head for Monday when the kids aren't around. 

Ultimately I am relieved at diagnosis I think as it just adds a nice and understanding tint to a lot of bad memories. My life now is great except work, my life in my teens/twenties much less so and I think this helps with that but it's just like this weird, jarring, step change in how i view myself. 

I'm sure I'll have lots more to post over time. 

I felt the same. If it helps, you are in an almost identical situation to me. I was diagnosed in December 21 and I am 39. So you really aren't alone and I'm sure you will find a lot of support and companionship on here. You'll soon get over the 'internet shakes' :) I recommend giving yourself time to digest the news - I haven't digested it yet - reading about ASD, reading the threads on here and getting a feel for the place. My wife is amazing too but it is so hard for her to understand because ASD is literally a brain miswiring; just be patient and I'm sure something more positive will unfold. That's what I'm telling myself. If you feel like it then go to one of your local meet ups organised by a NAS local branch. I have done one and it was good. I am due to attend another later this month. My one tip for survival in this place is to avoid the 'woe is me' type threads and people, because it can drag you down.* I have come to realise that we get exposed to a biased sample of posters - people needing support and just wanting to throw out frustration will do that here, that's part of the purpose. But you are less likely to see the people that are doing well - either because they aren't on here or because they don't want to be seen to be 'boasting' in any way and avoid upsetting anyone. So bear that in mind. You're not a failure in life, just need to work out exactly what hand you have been dealt (we are all different) - but the very fact you have a wife and have escaped 'notice' until you were 39 suggests to me that you have plenty of good things to be grateful for - I say that because I am in the same position! Don't ever forget that. Final point is that like you I struggle with verbal communication. What about writing a letter - go old fashioned and do it with a pen and paper, why not - and express yourself to your wife. It could be the start of something beautiful.

* To be clear - I dive in from time to time to offer support and advice, but try to keep it as a 'in and out' to protect my own well being, because I know that I have quite a fragile emotional system and can get affected and sucked in easily.

I was diagnosed in my 60s (last year).  Not sure what it looks like when you've 'adjusted' to the diagnosis. I was deeply shocked, not remotely 'relieved' (as others who've been diagnosed say they were) and I also hit the research. I hope you find there many positive aspects of autism (I did).  I think we have to accept it, but accepting it includes a recognition that it's not good, or bad, it's just who you are.  Except in a very technical sense, relating to some Government benefits, it isn't a 'disability'.  I certainly don't view it like that.  

Having a diagnosis helps with your self knowledge, and self knowledge will help you navigate the neuro typical world with less turbulence.  That's the way I look at it.

Wishing you all the best with it and welcome to the club!

'fraid I can't be much help here! For me the diagnosis was just a formality, because I knew I was autistic - I just wanted it on an official piece of paper to help me with negotiating with work over some reasonable adjustments. I was in my mid-30s when I was diagnosed, and it was just pleasingly validating. Because I have worked with so many amazing autistic boys for so many years, I don't have any negative perceptions of autism at all - I love being autistic and would not change myself for the world (although the free dyspraxia that came with it can do one) and once I had the diagnosis and could tell people, it almost felt like coming out - a celebratory experience.

Surprised autistic said:

also starting conversations on the internet shakes me almost as much as doing so in real life which doesn’t help, thanks for reading  :)

Hi SA,

It's great that you've taken steps to go through the process of diagnosis and have come through it all.  It's also good that you've reached out on here despite the fear inside, all positive in my humble opinion.

I am in the waiting process of the wheel of diagnosis so tend to feel scared at times too, questioning my identity and if all my life has been led by what I think others want from me.  This is why I can empathise with how you are feeling.

Turning this thought process on its head, I'd say, yes it is scary and yes there may be parts of you that you have developed to benefit others.  To feel calmer about this I think that all experiences are valid and were developed to cope.  You now have a new lens through which to review your past.  This knowledge will allow you to move forward with the internal you the way you need to.  Every part of you is important and valuable.  You can and will find your way.  It may not look the way you once had imagined but it may allow you to be more forgiving of yourself for the aspects of your life where you need to try much harder.  On the other side of pain lies warmth and stillness.  

You show great strength in your post because you are facing your fear:

Surprised autistic said:

internet shakes me almost as much as doing so in real life

You show determination because you are being honest about internal turmoil:

Surprised autistic said:

t feels like I’ve been completely alone in this for so long that I don’t really know how to accept or understand my thoughts and feelings,

You have support:

Surprised autistic said:

my wife is amazing but I can’t really express to her how I feel as I don’t have the language

Perhaps you could let your wife read this post and that may bridge any gaps in understanding?

Keep trying.  Keep sharing.  Keep finding you.

All the best.

I was diagnosed last year at 59. I had done a huge amount of research before my assessment, which was really just a validation of what I already knew, so I accepted the diagnosis immediately and with a huge amount of relief. Coming to terms with being autistic and having a new identity as an autistic person took longer. I think that by about 6 months post-diagnosis, I had fully assimilated the situation.

I found the diagnosis stressful and overwhelming and I'm not sure if I've adjusted to it yet and its been years. I guess the hardest thing for me is that I've got the diagnosis but that's it, no other help or support, they just left me on my own to deal with it. Still waiting to accept it and know what to do next.

Welcome to the family of asd :) 

I was diagnosed early and I'm nearly 25 now and life is just a rollercoaster. There's very little to no support for adults on the spectrum which is why I came here. If you have any questions or concerns please message here lots of people will be able to help you.

Like you I found it hard at first but eventually you just sort of grow in to if that makes sense. 

I received my diagnosis at 64, I'm trying to understand what to do with it? I can't go around with a label saying "I'm ASD - you have to put up with it!".

I am struggling where to get guidance to make life a little better for me and my long-suffering non-ASD partner who has put up with a lot over the past 30 years.

Hey.. Welcome to the club. 

I was diagnosed just over a year ago at 46.

I wish I could give you a timescale but the truth is it's a messy bunch of different emotions that people will work through differently. 

You do come out the other end though :) 

The most positive thing for me is that I am much more accepting of and kinder to myself. That does wonders for your mental health. 

Wish you well on your voyage of self discovery! 

I felt the same I’m 22 I got my diagnosis in march last year so almost a year now I’d say for my it took about 8 months for me to understand fully even though I basically already knew before my diagnosis but the confirmation of my suspicions was very jarring and thinking back I definitely didn’t understand it.

I read over my report looked up certain things I didn’t know, kept doing my own research on the internet reading papers and blogs and so on. Eventually I felt like I knew enough for me, about me and the diagnosis and I just deleted the report off my phone cleared all the search history from I was reading and said to my self. “I know enough now I’ve spent all my life wondering and torturing myself as to why I’m not like everyone else but now I know and I have a valid reason.” I somehow moved on got a job and just started doing things that I wanted to do and stopped doing things I didn’t want to do (unless they were things I HAD to do that’s not the same). I basically listened to my actual self rather than listen to the part of myself who i thought that everyone around me would accept.

I can go on but I don’t want to make this reply much longer than it already is but I’m happy to talk about it.