Introduction

Hi There, welcome to the forum. Was there anything in particular that triggered the intense period of social isolation?

Hello Kitsun. Thankyou for your welcome! How are you?  I'm going to copy and paste from a reply i gave above so i can answer your question more easily. I hope that you don't mind.  Here it is:

"I know the hermits life well as it's the way i have spent most (but not all) of my adult life.  This particular period of hermitude has been so long that i'm not even sure what year i started it. I suspect it was 2014. Preceding this current period was my longest period of trying to make it in the outside world. Which lasted  3 years from 2011-2014.  When attempting to be social i find the various and subtle forms of rejection deeply hurtful and mentally scarring. It doesn't have to be outright rejection.  Sometimes the subtler rejection of always receiving a low place in an established pecking order/hierarchy can be even more wounding. Things like everyone pairing off whilst you remain single"

I’m good thank you. How are you today? 

I’ve done the hermit thing myself in the past so I know what it’s like. I’ve been on a mission to learn social skills the past several months which has stopped me from being so hermit like, I was only diagnosed at the end of last year so after realising that I had AS I realised where my deficit was and why I have always struggled to make/keep friends, so I decided to do something about it. I find that I get rejected less and people react better to me since I’ve been practicing the social skills that I’ve learned. When we’re you diagnosed? Have you had any support with managing your ASD?

I’m good thank you. How are you today? 

I’ve done the hermit thing myself in the past so I know what it’s like. I’ve been on a mission to learn social skills the past several months which has stopped me from being so hermit like, I was only diagnosed at the end of last year so after realising that I had AS I realised where my deficit was and why I have always struggled to make/keep friends, so I decided to do something about it. I find that I get rejected less and people react better to me since I’ve been practicing the social skills that I’ve learned. When we’re you diagnosed? Have you had any support with managing your ASD?

That’s ok. You’re welcome. How are you doing today?

Fair enough re your thoughts on medication/mental health services. At least you know where the resources are if you ever need them. Apparently mind do an online service if you ever need support but don’t feel able to talk to someone face to face.

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/

With Regards to whether the time on your own should go on forever, I guess it’s a case of weighing up the pros and cons and maybe finding a balance and whatever it is that you decide to do, doing when you’re ready. So personally I can do 2/3 days a week meeting friends for a couple of hours but any more just gets too exhausting, the remaining 4/5 days I’m spending on my own thank you very much, that’s my balance, but different things work for different people. 

I think you should start the thread ‘how to be a happy autistic?’ I’m sure many people on here would be willing go give you their opinion.

Why don’t you make a bullet point list of your own capabilities and capacities? You could make a project of it  

Hi. Thankyou for your long responses and taking the time to care.

Regarding Mental Health treatment: I feel i don't get on with the many different medicines i have tried and i despise the side effects. I am also not comfortable with thought of formal counselling.  Just having to be in same place once a week would be a stress and a burden to me.  Why i've never learnt to drive. I saw the crisis team in 2016 and they removed the metaphorical gun i had pointed at my dome and toddled off on their way. As is their function.

The time on my own has lasted around 5 years now.  It CAN go on forever but the question is should it? I nearly started another thread yesterday entitled "How to be a happy Autistic" asking for peoples tips.  I can muddle through alright. Sitting by myself obsessing over Pharoah Sanders Jazz albums or whatever my latest interest is.  Life can be so much more. Although i suspect many Autistic's also live the way i do. But not all. I wish i had a bullet point list setting out my own capabilities and capacity sometimes. That would be useful. So at least i'd know that any efforts that i undertook had a potential win at the end of them.  And were not just putting an unnecessary extra burden on my already fragile state,

Thanks. And to you.

Showing solidarity for your words

I’m going to have to go to sleep now as I have to be up at 6 with the children and to do the school run  But I’ll be back on here tomorrow to continue this conversation, if you want?

I’m glad that you live with a relative, at least you’re not living on your own. I’m guessing they’re NT though, conversations with NTs can be very frustrating! 

You don’t need to feel guilty about revealing your depression to me honestly I’ve suffered a few bouts of major depression in my life and it’s horrible. Also, I’m on this forum as a woman that suffers from AS (and ABI) but I’m also a mental health nurse who also has a degree in psychology (really weird dichotomy going on there) so it’s ok, I don’t mind you talking to me about your depression. In fact I would rather you talked to me about it rather than keeping it all bottled up. 

Im going to do a paragraph of the brief formal bit which I have to do now I’ve disclosed I’m a RNMH or I’d be in breech of my professional code of conduct. Then I’m going to go back to being the Aspergian woman that I came on here to be. So basically if you’re that depressed maybe make a GP appointment and see if they can help you with meds/counselling referral. If it gets to crisis point then please google your local mental health crisis team which runs a 24/7 service and will assess you ASAP.

Back to planet Aspergers. You mention the ‘what if’ question, Can I just say that is the single most lethal question in the world ever. I’ve has obsessions that have lasted years based on an entire ‘what if’. This one question causes me to go round in so many never ending circles in my head it’s unreal. I know we can’t help it, it’s just the way our brain are wired, to go round in loops, but it sure can get exhausting, not to mention never actually getting anywhere!

I get that right now you feel that social isolation is what’s best for you. That’s ok, I’ve had periods of time when I’ve felt that it was what was best for me, I’ve come out of that phase now. But I understand what it’s like. I also understand the feeling of how unfair it is that most people are so good socially and seem to make loads of friends with hardly any effort yet I’m not and I don’t. When I was busy being a hermit my husband used to berate me for my lack of attempting to make friends, he expected me to just somehow go out and make loads of friends, seriously how do you even do that?! He made loads of new friends, hoping he said that if he led by example then I’d follow his lead. He just didn’t get that I don’t get it. For goodness sake it takes a manual on learning social skills for me to even know how to have a two way conversation let alone make a friend. And this was before I fully realised I was AS and before I bought said manual. Do you know what, Blueray keeps talking about autistic burnout and I’m actually starting to wonder if that’s what I had from late 2013 until mid last year when I finally thought right I’ve had enough of this! I spent a good few years where I just wanted to be on my own away from people, lost in obsession which acted as a fantastic distraction from everything else. So maybe that’s what happened to me, loads of stressful things happened around the end of 2013/beginning 2014 so maybe my brain just had enough and needed a few years to recuperate.

So maybe you need a bit of time on your own right now to recharge, keep talking to people on here though so you’re not completely without social interaction. Personally I’m thinking of going back on Facebook just so I can join Aspergers support groups like connect as I feel the need to make friends with other people with AS/ASD who I can be myself with. Don’t get me wrong I have a few perfectly decent NT friends now but I also remember the brutal way some NTs can be so  rejecting, even those that are trying to be kind and understanding, I could tell I was getting on their nerves and being a pain. It’s so soul destroying when people are like that especially when you’re trying to make the effort to be friends with them

I live with a relative.  They are supportive in many ways but at the same time they are not someone whom i am able to talk to about my problems.  I find communication with them infuriating.

I feel so guilty even revealing the extent of my depression to you.   I don't have a high opinion of life and feel the same way about death. So i have taken social isolation as a third option. Trying to enjoy small solitary simple pleasures. But in my mind there is always the "what if". What if i give life amongst the NT's one more shot.?Or should i just protect myself from further failure? Because being hurt hurts and warps my personality and thinking even more. Makes me more damaged. And to be honest i still can't deal with the sheer unfairness of having Autism when others don't. Obviously i can rationalize it till the cows come home.  People have worse etc.  But i'm talking about psychology. I'll always KNOW that i've been dealt a dodgy hand and however much i try and suppress that fact i'll always be angry about it.  I can pretend not to be upset. To be more mature etc.  I could wilfully try and sound more cheerful and competent in this message if i liked. But it would be a mask , as opposed.to how i really feel.

This episode of Sesame Street was brought to you by Jim Henson productions.  (gallows humour)

I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through a depressed phase at the moment. Hopefully joining this forum and chatting with people on here will help to alleviate the depression to an extent. 

I might look at Marc Segar’s book at some point. I’m doing Daniel Wendler’s stuff at the moment. I’m sorry to hear that you didn’t find it too much help. I personally am realistic about what to expect. I’m never going to be a social butterfly but I have improved the number of friends I have and as a result my mental health.

Being diagnosed as an adult is tough. There appears to be virtually no support! To be fair though AS wasn’t even in the DSM or the ICD until 1992 so even if I’d made it to an assessment (I’m just 38) It would have been an assessment for classic autism (using old school terms) which I don’t have so I wouldn’t have actually gained anything. Shame neither of my parents thought to refer me for assessment when I was in my teens though, they were too preoccupied with their own lives and the fall out of a very acrimonious divorce to notice me. Looking back though it was so obvious. I must admit I do feel envious towards those people I know with autism who were diagnosed in early childhood and had all the early intervention and support, that do so well now socially now as a result of that. It’s not their fault though, they needed and deserved the diagnosis and support, it’s the fault of a system that is terrible at identifying children with ASD. I do voluntary work for a youth organisation and often I spot children that obviously have ASD or ADHD, we’re not allowed to tell the parents though, we’re only allowed to comment on behaviour (not suspected diagnosis) if the parent brings the subject up with us, how silly is that?

Do you know what though, I could bother to feel sad if I look back at my own life history but there’s no point. The rest of our lives start now, it’s up to us how we’re going to live it

Do you have support from your family or anyone else?

I'm surviving. Going through quite a depressed phase and i'm very tired.  I'm glad you're well. :)

Marc Segar's book was helpful to me in terms of learning social skills.  It seems no matter how many i learn though i would still stand out or make an accidental mistake in the end.  The Nt's will always know that i'm not like them and not to be assigned high status. To be tolerated and that's it.  That was my experience anyway.  Included but only as the spare wheel in the boot of the car.  Whilst king and queen of the Nt's are sat upfront burning rubber. :( *laughs*

I was diagnosed aged 18 in the year 2000 . I read a few days ago that todays children are receiving many diagnoses.  That cheered me as i hope they will get more help and support than i did. Although thinking about it, in this country the odds are that they won't. It may allow them to complete their education i hope.  I was unable.

I have had no support whatsoever.

Just recounting and writing down my own life story tips me into a cycle of yet further sadness.