Aspergers can be tough, can't it?

Your video is beautifull.

Thank you

Thank you for your input. It is helping me see things more clearly.

swinkie said:

JON WROTE:

I know I get it wrong sometimes in trying to be honest as I end up saying something that upsets my partner. Understanding on both sides is really important.

How do you feel & what do you think of when your wife gets upset?

 JON WROTE::

I myself can find present buying tricky but I will do it because I want to make my partner happy. I find it hard to buy something that she woulf like if I don't like it myself.

Any tips on how you do that?

p.s. hOW DO I  DO THE HIGHLIGHTED TEXT FROM SOMEONE ELSES STATEMENT PLEASE?

Hi Swinkie.

To highlight/quote a members comment/post just click on 'quote' at the bottom of the relevant post. Delete the bits you don't want to use.

When my partner gets upset I often don't know why. It can easily end in an argument.She might think I am being rude or abrupt and responds to that. I hadn't meant to be rude or abrupt and am suprised that is the reason for her being upset. All I see is that she us just being unpleasant and I don't like it. I can't see what the problem is. When she is upset I offer lttle in the way of emotional support. Its just not the way i see things. I tend to see things in more of a practical way. If it wasn't for my partners stubborn persistence I would have probably shut her out of my life a long time ago. We have been together for 12 years although it's only the past couple of years we have started to understand each other better. Misundersatndings are the biggest problem.

As to buying presents? I think the expectation that you have to do it is a problem in itself. I don't think it is right or wrong to give presents. People have different strenghths and qualities and maybe present giving isn't always somenes strong point. Would it be so bad if he never bought you a present? I suppose you have to find a way to make a relationship work so that both parties are happy with it. This doesn't necessarily mean so much compromise but its does mean acceptance of each others differences. I know, easier said than done .

Hi,

I can't answer your questions, but one thing I have found helpful in the last few years when dealing with my son with Asperger's (and the rest of my family too, at times!) is the idea that "He is doing the best he can right now with what he knows".

If you can remind yourself of that, you can forgive anything.  People on the Autistic Spectrum tend to need a whole lot of extra loving and acceptance from those they live with, if relationships of any sort are to survive, and the best of us get it wrong at times too!

Sounds like your man is going through a tough patch right now, for reasons you are aware of.  So, my advice is to choose to overlook his ill-chosen comment, give him the space he needs, but reassure him you're still there for him. 

JON WROTE:

I know I get it wrong sometimes in trying to be honest as I end up saying something that upsets my partner. Understanding on both sides is really important.

How do you feel & what do you think of when your wife gets upset?

 JON WROTE::

I myself can find present buying tricky but I will do it because I want to make my partner happy. I find it hard to buy something that she woulf like if I don't like it myself.

Any tips on how you do that?

p.s. hOW DO I  DO THE HIGHLIGHTED TEXT FROM SOMEONE ELSES STATEMENT PLEASE?

Thank you for that.

So it, doesn't have to be one way then!

Saying that, He does try when I am ill, He never complains when I am too tired to fulfill a previous arangement & he always makes time for me, so He does have his good points

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.. I bought her an OMG mug last month and last week I went on my bicycle to buy her a large bag of compost she wanted....I like to cook for her too....

[/quote]

That is what I'm talking about. My Wife has to accept I detest the commercialisation of things so I will not buy a card, but I grew the strawberries she ate watching Wimbledon today myself. I have to accept certain traditions have to be upheld so I am given a list. 

I don't go "off list" as Sarah Millican says. i am given an option of presents on a list and stick to it, it removes the anxiety.

Jacq tells me exactly which flowers ( hint hint) are in Season and the arrival of them in the house may lead to her cooking my favourite food.

I'm not perfect, but I'm a tryer.

swinkie said:

  Being told you are un-attractive by the person who should love you most in the world is very hard, especialy since I always make a real effort with my apearance,  was a terrible thing to hear.

It is possible that he is just being honest and that counts for a lot. It may lack tact but it is not necessarily malicious. I am not saying Aspergers is an excuse to hurt people and although some comments may seem cruel, that is not necessarily the intention. I know I get it wrong sometimes in trying to be honest as I end up saying something that upsets my partner. Understanding on both sides is really important.

  He knows I would love flowers & is indeed capable of sending them when he upsets me, so why can't he do it other times?

 I have spelt it out to him many times. He understands that it is important to me, even though he doesnt understand their appeal. I even suggested he set up an account that automaticaly sends me flowers once a month, but no....

  I know things are difficult for people with aspergers, but he is well capable of buying things for himself. I do think things like that are just selfish.

....would you really be happy with flowers sent automatically once a month? I myself can find present buying tricky but I will do it because I want to make my partner happy. I find it hard to buy something that she woulf like if I don't like it myself..... but that still leaves scope.... I bought her an OMG mug last month and last week I went on my bicycle to buy her a large bag of compost she wanted....I like to cook for her too.... I am not to fussed on getting presents myself and feel bed that I sometimes might seem ungrateful (which I am not).

What did i do? Oh that's easy.

I decided to challenge myself and not pander to the "selfish" view of Aspergers. I decided to be in a relationship so i would not use Aspergers as an excuse. That was logical, or it wasnt worth the pain of having it.

When she became ill I took 4 years out of my career and cared for her 24 hours a day to prove she was more important, I then altered my whole life and career so I could continue caring for her to this day.

I brought her KFC at midnight when she had cravings during pregnancy, named a star after her and drove 300 miles home from a job so I could wake up with her on our anniversary.

She is tired today, her illness, does that so I'm just about to dish out her favourite chinese food so she can relax and not have to worry.

You have to remember that you are attractive to him, or the relationship would not have begun and it is his responsibility to work out as much as the puzzle as you have to. One way relationships arent relationshipss.

I dont do the sympathy thing with aspergers, I try to win.

Thank you so much for that frank and honest reply.

  It has helped me understand a little more. Do you know anyone that would do peer counselling for us?

  I don't know if things have gone too far this time. I'm not a quiter, but I don't know if I am better to cut my loses. I have been very hard on him, so He must be feeling awfull, but it can't ALWAYS be about him. Surely He can understand that?

  Being told you are un-attractive by the person who should love you most in the world is very hard, especialy since I always make a real effort with my apearance,  was a terrible thing to hear.

  I do always try to give him lots of positive comments, little suprise pressies through the post and little notes etc, but why can't he do that for me?

You say your wifes little notes help, but what do you do for her?

  He knows I would love flowers & is indeed capable of sending them when he upsets me, so why can't he do it other times?

 I have spelt it out to him many times. He understands that it is important to me, even though he doesnt understand their appeal. I even suggested he set up an account that automaticaly sends me flowers once a month, but no....

  I know things are difficult for people with aspergers, but he is well capable of buying things for himself. I do think things like that are just selfish.

Anyway, thanks once again,

Swinkie

I can only speak for myself here , but I recognise some stages you have been through.

At the time things happen I still go through the unsetted and overwhelmed stages if that makes any sense. Being aware doesn't particuary dull the intensity.

It sounds as if you are both having it hard, you especially right now.

"Intimacy" can be tough when you are unsettled or overwhelmed with so many other things are happening, especially when it is with someone you have that rare emotional bond with. When it is just the physical act it can be a little less complex, but add in the emotions that you are so bad at handling you can feel like it would be easier not to go there. Sensations both physical and emotional are just extra work to deal with, another sensory input on top of everything else the world throws at you.

When I felt like that it was when I was working in one of my most important jobs, which I didn't really want to do, and a family member was ill. I had to have rigid self control on so many things to keep functioning and working to support my family I couldn't "let go" for private moments. I became a human machine again as a form of self defence to all those inputs that disturbed me. This enabled me to provide for my family which was no1 priority and must be met.

What helped was my wife talking and listening, we actually went on a peer counselling course together to find logical ways of communicating when i was "machine like". Jacqui learned to talk and listen to the machine. 

I'm a couple of years past that now and things are well again, but i do understand that at that time my love for my wife was as strong as ever, just at that stage i needed to prioritise and stay well. I'm not saying that was fair, right or even the right decision but it was the only solution I had for life at that stage. 

As daft as it sounds, the thing that helped me through the most it was short letters from my wife she would leave on my desk. That were friendly, complimentary and reminded me that she cared.

Hello,

I am the partner of an 57 year old, high functioning aspberger man.

we have been a couple fo 7 years, although we don't live togehter full time (which suits us both) and have had a good relationship (even though I don't get as much romance & thoughtfulness as I need..well, ya know!!!)

I'm really strugling as he's just told me he no longer finds me atractive but still loves me as his partner and not in a brother/sister way and was completly shocked when I got very upset.

He's now gone into a melt-down and won't speak to me.

He was struggling beforehand as we were re-decorating his flat to accomodate visits from his step-daughter and grand-daughter, who he adores and say's he wants to visit, but I think he feels 'pushed into it' and un-settled.

Before that, He had to change jobs, which was very difficult for both of us, but is now happy and settled where He is

I've got serious health problems myself right now and his behaviour over this last year has caused me a severe deterioration in health.

I am trying very hard to understand him. We hav'nt had intimacy for ages & I'm wondering if this last meltdown could be down to the changes he's making and that he is just angry with me for his perception that I am making him do it.

Any advice please? I'm just backing off from him and not pushing any contact right now.

Thanks