Starting over at 55. Autism, relationship's and connection

"my fingers itching to make this post about 3 pages long"  hehe understood!

maybe that's why the Japanese invented Haiku!

maybe compose one on your walk :-)

Yeah...it can be and I agree it is much less complicated.

My therapist tells me on regular basis we are wired for connection and I'm inclined to agree with this also.

What I'm realizing is that I've probably never had healthy connections within my family mum/dad and with my husband.

It's only therapy that has highlighted this.

Maybe my autism has made me somewhat naive.

It helps hearing what you've said about trees, and your hare pendant made me smile. 

I'm really pleased you've started to look after yourself better since reaching out on here.

I recognize the feeling of wishing things didn't have to reach crisis point before we make changes.

But you're taking steps now and that's hopeful.

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So, people pleasing is another autistic trait? I so do that! And I get worse in a relationship, to the point of smothering. I can't seem to help myself, it's why I stopped dating, decades ago now. Life is so much simpler on your own, until it's not...

I love trees too... When I was considering my autistic traits, I thought hey, I don't have a special interest... Then I realised that trees, woodland, working with wood has been my entire adult life and my sanctuary since I was 8 and moved away from the seaside, (which was my obsession before that ) I remember feeling completely dislocated when we moved, and listlessly wandering through the countryside, missing the sea. Until I discovered woodland, that is (hence the username) In fact, I can feel my fingers itching to make this post about 3 pages long, so I'd better hit reply and walk away 

Thank you Lotus. It's nice to feel seen and accepted.

I don't think it's strange that you would find a tree to be your anchor, I always find them very grounding. I've also had a hare experience, and a friend of mine gave me a wooden hare pendant as I was going through this recent shift. To me hare signifies swift changes in your life and protection.

I feel like I've started looking after myself better since reaching out on here, so thanks for that. It would be nice if life didn't have to get to crisis point before I plucked up the courage to make changes though!

HiKopiKestrel 

Thank you for responding.

It does help to know I'm not the only one feeling this way.

I have added the book you have mentioned to my Spotify playlist.

Wishing you all the best.

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Thank you for sharing your experience. I can really relate to what you said about people-pleasing and getting an adult diagnosis. I was diagnosed at 37. It truly feels like having to start over, and that's hard.

While I don't have much advice to offer, I want you to know that you are definitely not alone.

I have personally found a lot of help from the book, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff. It’s helped me give myself the understanding and compassion I often don't receive from others.

Hi treespirit and welcome.

I’m really sorry things are so hard at the moment. It takes a lot of courage to reach out to a GP and start the diagnosis process, especially when life already feels overwhelming.

I relate to a lot of what you said about socialising, relationships and just trying to manage the practical parts of life.

This community has helped me feel less alone too, and I’m glad it’s giving you a bit of that as well.

For what it’s worth, I really understand that feeling of life becoming too much. Last year, when everything felt lost, the three things that anchored me were my son, my therapist, and strangely but honestly a particular tree I used to stand with on my walks. Those were the only beings that made me feel steady.

Take care of yourself, and I’m glad you’re here with us.

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Welcome, Tree Spirit. I'm glad this forum helps you.

Connecting to emotions and realising oneself to be autistic is tough and it comes at a time when one is often at a low ebb.

I love trees - they demonstrate natures cycles with such beauty :-)

Hi, Lonehare12,

I just read your post and thread in tears. I completely relate. I'm 56 and finally admitted to myself about a year ago that I'm autistic. A couple of days ago I approached the doctor for the first time to initiate a diagnosis. 

I struggle with so many things in life; from socialising, to work, to understanding online forms. I've got to the point where I'm living in a van and have no money. The obstacles feel insurmountable right now.

I have always struggled with relationships, I now identify as asexual. Friendships are sporadic and often not deep.

I feel less alone for finding this community, thanks guys.

I agree trying not push and to just stay open and receptive sounds good.

Thank you, that’s a really kind way to put it.

Your message made me smile because I actually had a quiet, close moment with a hare last spring. It was March and I thought to myself has the hare lost it's mind. It was so surreal.

It came near me and circled in the field. It felt calm and almost reassuring.

So the thought of me “haring about the fields next spring” feels oddly right, and very hopeful.

Thank you for that image.

I think there is truth in this; be open.

Things flow into something that is receptive. They don't into something that is closed 

keeping it simple :-)

Maybe you don't have to push?

Be receptive to yourself and others - it's kind of the opposite of pushing :-)

Plenty of time!

best wishes for love and connections Lonehare12 - I can imagine you haring about the fields next Spring... :-)

I can really relate to working out what’s right for me.

I’m still figuring out my own boundaries and choices.

It takes time to really know yourself and live in a way that reflects that.

I’m glad this community has helped you, it’s helped me feel less alone too.

You are welcome. 

Just to clarify, I am not officially diagnosed, I'm self discovered. Although the GP I saw at the time agreed with my conclusion that I was on the spectrum, he advised that there was not much point getting an official diagnosis as I wouldn't get any support because I was able to work. I disagree with that to some extent, as I know that some people get a sense of validation from an official diagnosis, so I had to make up my own mind what I wanted. After weighing things up, I decided to stay self discovered for now (although the GP did say I could request a referral at a later date if I felt I needed it) I know what I am and had to trust myself.

That is one example of something where I have decided what is right for me, but there are others such as deciding I would no longer be pressurised into attending a social event I didn't want to go to. It's a process of learning who you really are and setting things up to reflect that. It takes time, so be patient with yourself.

I'm glad you are feeling less alone by talking with us - this community has certainly enhanced my life.

I think this is a key point. Finding a way to understand. It is difficult to move on if you don't understand what happened. NT seem to be able to do this much more easily than autists. You need to able to understand enough, you might never know it all, to leave it alone.

To enjoy good things now and not wait to live is also important. Appreciate what is right and try not to think only about what is bad. 

It is also important, although hard, to enjoy the journey and not get fixated on the destination. E.g. You have a vision of having someone, living somewhere nice, doing nice things and living happily, but can't see how this end goal is possible so struggle. But there isn't a plan, it depends a bit on chance, you don't know where things will go. So try to find things you will like that might also include meeting people. You still need some luck but at least you are doing things that help you grow and experience more.