Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I'm new here, and have yet to go through an assesment, I'm told this will happen in about a month.
I'm 28, I'm pretty sure I'm HFA/AS (I'm mostly sure my speech was delayed, yet I was hyperlexic in my youth) but I am also suffering what feels to me to be a crushing depression and terrible anxiety. My sleep pattern is almost non-existant, I'm lucky to get 2 hours consecutive a night, I averge about 8 hours sleep a week.
My anxiety is being 'controlled' by diazepam, and it does help take the edge off, I still can't leave the house on my own. I've been given zopiclone for sleep, which did nothing, as was with temazepam. Now I'm on quetiapine, which doesn't seem to do very much at all, if I sleep on it, I'm awake again within 30 minutes. I'm really at my wits end with my sleep issues, it just drives me down further, and causes me to stim much more regular, and much more barbaric ways. I've always been a head banger when stress gets too much, and staying in this house (which is shared supported accomodation) is driving me to suicide. I've had enough of being forced to interact with these people, having to clean up after them (hypersensitive hearing and smells) I mean piss all over the toilet, and at the worst times ***. I can smell stale urine a mile off, and it's very unpleasant. However, I am the mug left to clean it up all the damned time.
I'm very OCD about the ktchen, I cannot eat prepakaged foods, and usually cook a big meal and freeze some portions for later dates, however, I cannot do this here, no one cleans up after themselves, raw meats get slapped on the sides, and no cleanup afterwards. As per, muggins here is left to clean up all the mess. My hypersensitivity of smell is also an issue, one resident here hasn't showered or washed in the three months I've spent here, and I can smell his vile stench in every room. The hypersensitivity of sound is also causing massive amounts of stress, with neighbours either side owning dogs that bark and howl for hours at a time, one lot starting at 6am and another whom seems to believe that reving a scooter engine for 30 minutes is great fun.
Well, I cannot cope, and it usually ends up in punching myself in the head and banging against a wall. I've concussed myself on a few occasions, and broke a finger before also. the bedroom door is a hollow thing, and now has many head sized holes in it from (what I guess are) meltdowns.
I cannot cope, and CMHT don't seem to care, the benzos will only keep me on the brink for so long until tolernce gets the better of them, and the options I now see are slim, an assesment a month away, I cannot last that long, and even then, I'll be jammed back into shared housing and driven overboard, my only way out is looking like suicide. This isn't a call for help, it's a vent. No one has any right to tell me I have anything to live on for, because really, I don't. My only friend is 76 now, and has been given months to live from cancer, and while solitude is my best riend, it is also my worst enemy. I'm really at a loss now, and spend my nights nursing a noose made from shoelaces, looking for good ligiture points for a quick partial hanging. I just want my shitstorm of a life to end. I'll never be 'normal' I'll never be even remotley 'popular' and will never have a girlfriend. I really couldn't give a damn anymore. Like The Verve once said 'the drugs don't work'
sorry for the long old rant, and thankyou if you've made it this far through my drivel.
Hi IntenseWorld - we have a few suggestions for takkun re. his housing. Hopefully he'll email.
@Anil A - Mod: the problem takkun has, is his immediate sensory issues and unsuitable housing, he really needs practical help. Do you not have any housing organisations that could help him?
Takkun, can you please email us on community.manager@nas.org.uk? I sent our helpline your situation yesterday and they'd like to recommend some counselling services. I'd like to put you in touch with our helpline directly.
I'm also going to email you.
Takkun, there's nothing I can say to make things better, or easier, and I'm sure other people have already given valuable advice, I just wanted to say I really do feel for you, what a terrible situation. Please see your GP, and chase that assessment too. You clearly need support and need a suitable environment. Please don't give up x
Please don't do anything drastic.
The world will be a lesser place with one less autistic.
Can you not have any say over your medication? Can you request that they reduce one of the others instead of the one that works for you? Did they consult with you and ask for feedback before they did this?
Phone the NAS Helpline: 0808 800 4104
Or the Samaritans: 08457 909090
MIND: 0300 123 3393
Or contact these people: https://www.turn2me.org/?gclid=CJXu2siC470CFXMRtAodmCYAhw
Well, CMHT have done it again, the only effective treatment I had so far for my crippling anxiety was diazepam, they have now reduced me to once a day, which doesn't even take the edge off anymore.
I hate the CMHT, they have done nothing but put me under more stress and take away effective treatments. My keyworker here in the supported housing made a remark to another resident concerning her thoughts on my medical needs. *** it, *** it all. I am done, I cannot cope any more and any method of doing so has been taken away. I sit here with dogs yelping, residents making a lot of noise, and a loud banging from the kitchen below me. this is my time to go, I've had enough.
The support staff do house checks twice a day, they don't live in. My social worker is a part of the CMHT and is as much use as a chocolate teapot. I've seen her twice, the rest of the time she's off on holiday, or ill.
I feel massivly let down by CMHT, they've caused a lot of stress, and just don't listen, and appointments are months apart.
I believe the house has a private owner, but I'm not 100% on that
Hi - I'm presuming you're in supported living with support staff + that the property is owned by a housing assoc, private landlord or something similar? Have you got a social worker who can be of any help to you?
I was put into foster care because my parents died when I was much younger, the abusive foster parents were my personal hell for years, and frankly, I've struggled ever since living wise.
As for the dogs thing, it is an excuse, I've put in formal complaints to the managment of the people who control these houses. I was offered a room in a similar house, trading off dog noise for class A drug misuse and the same, if not worse toilet/kitchen/bathroom hygene issues. They just aren't interested in one person complaining to them about the dogs, other 'housemates' are NT, and don't see (or feel) it the way I do, if I have to hear one of them tell me 'they're dogs, they bark' I think I'll insert a hammer to their head >.<
I don't think they are a HA, but a charity of sorts, unsure really.
Anyhows, I shall give ambient noise a go for a few days, see how I get on. I can use the ear plugs to block out the morons I'm forced to live with during the day.
Thanks again for the advice, I have literally been ripping out my hair
I'm so sorry. You are in an absolutely terrible situation for someone (most likely) on the spectrum. Clearly, shared accommodation isn't for you and you need somewhere quieter to live. I can totally sympathise with filthy people leaving messes. I've lived in places where bathroom and kitchen were shared before, and it was always me cleaning their messes too because I couldn't bear to use dirty things. I even resorted to pinning a humorous poem on the bathroom door reminding people to wash the bath out afterwards and they ignored it. So I used to have to wash it before and after I'd used it.
According to the Autism Strategy the state has to ensure you have suitable accommodation. But to pursue this, you need your diagnosis unfortunately.
Do you have relatives or friends you could stay temporarily with until you can change your accommodation? Can you speak to your landlord as they may have alternative properties you could swap to?
Noise like that is awful. I struggle even with day to day noises of our neighbours so I don't imagine I would manage any better than you are with barking dogs. We also have an idiot who revs up his motorbike countless times a day outside (seems to be a courier or something) opposite our house. The selfishness of NTs is hideous.
Don't give up. There are many of us out there with varying degrees of sensory nightmares.
I find that I hear every little noise and get woken up so easily if I don't have some low level noise of my choice all night whilst I sleep. It doesn't stop everything but I get a reasonable sleep.
So awful what your foster family put you through. It's disgusting that there are children getting ripped from decent families (I know sometimes it's needed too) and put into abusive foster homes.
The staff doesn't want to sort the barking dogs out (personal best was 6 hours of howling and yelping) as they fear the neighbours would retaliate with complaints to the council.
This sounds like an excuse. Insist the staff do complain to the council about the barking. In the meantime keep a diary of the noise disturbance and record it through the walls if you can. The council will soon know if counter-complaints are deliberate or malicious and what could the neighbours complain about anyway? Assisted accommodation surely means HA? These are on a par with councils already as it's social housing, so they will be on side not against the landlord.
Staying at families houses is out of the question, I've been dragged up through foster care, where most of my stimming was beaten out of me because they found it embarrasing. I have one remaining friend who is too ill to put me up, the rest of my friends (which wasn't in the realms of plenty) just don't even bother to reply to me anymore.
This place is supposed to be supported accomodation (not autism specific) but when I bring up the hygine issues, everbody denies it's them. As is, I have to give the kitchen a massive clean up before I can use it, and get irritated by the leftover bath scum, I have to give it a deep clean before I can shower.
The meds I'm on at the moment are lofepramine for MDD, diazepam to help control anxiety and quetiapine, I'm not sure if this is for sleep, or the CMHT doc just didn't listen and thinks the noise irritation is made up. Frankly, it's the diazepam that enables me to do anything, as I get so worked up about leaving my own room, just incase I have to interact with another person, be it staff or resident. I don't want a benzo addiction, but I fear it may be too late for that.
I'm at a loss, I'm either to be a cleaner for 4 other filthy mongrels, or up and walk out (which I have been close to) and slum it. Suicidal ideation comes easy, and working through pros and cons doesn't make the outlook 'bright'
I've recently bought some earplugs, the soft type, to try and block out all the noise nuisence, but it resulted in more severe stimming. I also couldn't sleep with them in, I hate being touched, and dislike the pressure built up in my ear, so I shallgive the ambient noise thing a go, it's something I hadn't thought of, as I thought it would just be another noise nusience.
Thanks for the replies, I shall try suck it up, just very dissalousioned by CMHT, it's not the first let down they've sprang on me and my trust in them is non-existant.
Regarding the drugs, cocktails of drugs could be making you worse. Can you speak to your GP about tapering them off under GP supervision and look for natural alternatives? Sometimes your own background noise can help to filter out the noise of others, such as leaving white noise or TV on low in the background at night.