Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I'm new here, and have yet to go through an assesment, I'm told this will happen in about a month.
I'm 28, I'm pretty sure I'm HFA/AS (I'm mostly sure my speech was delayed, yet I was hyperlexic in my youth) but I am also suffering what feels to me to be a crushing depression and terrible anxiety. My sleep pattern is almost non-existant, I'm lucky to get 2 hours consecutive a night, I averge about 8 hours sleep a week.
My anxiety is being 'controlled' by diazepam, and it does help take the edge off, I still can't leave the house on my own. I've been given zopiclone for sleep, which did nothing, as was with temazepam. Now I'm on quetiapine, which doesn't seem to do very much at all, if I sleep on it, I'm awake again within 30 minutes. I'm really at my wits end with my sleep issues, it just drives me down further, and causes me to stim much more regular, and much more barbaric ways. I've always been a head banger when stress gets too much, and staying in this house (which is shared supported accomodation) is driving me to suicide. I've had enough of being forced to interact with these people, having to clean up after them (hypersensitive hearing and smells) I mean piss all over the toilet, and at the worst times ***. I can smell stale urine a mile off, and it's very unpleasant. However, I am the mug left to clean it up all the damned time.
I'm very OCD about the ktchen, I cannot eat prepakaged foods, and usually cook a big meal and freeze some portions for later dates, however, I cannot do this here, no one cleans up after themselves, raw meats get slapped on the sides, and no cleanup afterwards. As per, muggins here is left to clean up all the mess. My hypersensitivity of smell is also an issue, one resident here hasn't showered or washed in the three months I've spent here, and I can smell his vile stench in every room. The hypersensitivity of sound is also causing massive amounts of stress, with neighbours either side owning dogs that bark and howl for hours at a time, one lot starting at 6am and another whom seems to believe that reving a scooter engine for 30 minutes is great fun.
Well, I cannot cope, and it usually ends up in punching myself in the head and banging against a wall. I've concussed myself on a few occasions, and broke a finger before also. the bedroom door is a hollow thing, and now has many head sized holes in it from (what I guess are) meltdowns.
I cannot cope, and CMHT don't seem to care, the benzos will only keep me on the brink for so long until tolernce gets the better of them, and the options I now see are slim, an assesment a month away, I cannot last that long, and even then, I'll be jammed back into shared housing and driven overboard, my only way out is looking like suicide. This isn't a call for help, it's a vent. No one has any right to tell me I have anything to live on for, because really, I don't. My only friend is 76 now, and has been given months to live from cancer, and while solitude is my best riend, it is also my worst enemy. I'm really at a loss now, and spend my nights nursing a noose made from shoelaces, looking for good ligiture points for a quick partial hanging. I just want my shitstorm of a life to end. I'll never be 'normal' I'll never be even remotley 'popular' and will never have a girlfriend. I really couldn't give a damn anymore. Like The Verve once said 'the drugs don't work'
sorry for the long old rant, and thankyou if you've made it this far through my drivel.
Staying at families houses is out of the question, I've been dragged up through foster care, where most of my stimming was beaten out of me because they found it embarrasing. I have one remaining friend who is too ill to put me up, the rest of my friends (which wasn't in the realms of plenty) just don't even bother to reply to me anymore.
This place is supposed to be supported accomodation (not autism specific) but when I bring up the hygine issues, everbody denies it's them. As is, I have to give the kitchen a massive clean up before I can use it, and get irritated by the leftover bath scum, I have to give it a deep clean before I can shower.
The staff doesn't want to sort the barking dogs out (personal best was 6 hours of howling and yelping) as they fear the neighbours would retaliate with complaints to the council.
The meds I'm on at the moment are lofepramine for MDD, diazepam to help control anxiety and quetiapine, I'm not sure if this is for sleep, or the CMHT doc just didn't listen and thinks the noise irritation is made up. Frankly, it's the diazepam that enables me to do anything, as I get so worked up about leaving my own room, just incase I have to interact with another person, be it staff or resident. I don't want a benzo addiction, but I fear it may be too late for that.
I'm at a loss, I'm either to be a cleaner for 4 other filthy mongrels, or up and walk out (which I have been close to) and slum it. Suicidal ideation comes easy, and working through pros and cons doesn't make the outlook 'bright'
I've recently bought some earplugs, the soft type, to try and block out all the noise nuisence, but it resulted in more severe stimming. I also couldn't sleep with them in, I hate being touched, and dislike the pressure built up in my ear, so I shallgive the ambient noise thing a go, it's something I hadn't thought of, as I thought it would just be another noise nusience.
Thanks for the replies, I shall try suck it up, just very dissalousioned by CMHT, it's not the first let down they've sprang on me and my trust in them is non-existant.