Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I'm new here, and have yet to go through an assesment, I'm told this will happen in about a month.
I'm 28, I'm pretty sure I'm HFA/AS (I'm mostly sure my speech was delayed, yet I was hyperlexic in my youth) but I am also suffering what feels to me to be a crushing depression and terrible anxiety. My sleep pattern is almost non-existant, I'm lucky to get 2 hours consecutive a night, I averge about 8 hours sleep a week.
My anxiety is being 'controlled' by diazepam, and it does help take the edge off, I still can't leave the house on my own. I've been given zopiclone for sleep, which did nothing, as was with temazepam. Now I'm on quetiapine, which doesn't seem to do very much at all, if I sleep on it, I'm awake again within 30 minutes. I'm really at my wits end with my sleep issues, it just drives me down further, and causes me to stim much more regular, and much more barbaric ways. I've always been a head banger when stress gets too much, and staying in this house (which is shared supported accomodation) is driving me to suicide. I've had enough of being forced to interact with these people, having to clean up after them (hypersensitive hearing and smells) I mean piss all over the toilet, and at the worst times ***. I can smell stale urine a mile off, and it's very unpleasant. However, I am the mug left to clean it up all the damned time.
I'm very OCD about the ktchen, I cannot eat prepakaged foods, and usually cook a big meal and freeze some portions for later dates, however, I cannot do this here, no one cleans up after themselves, raw meats get slapped on the sides, and no cleanup afterwards. As per, muggins here is left to clean up all the mess. My hypersensitivity of smell is also an issue, one resident here hasn't showered or washed in the three months I've spent here, and I can smell his vile stench in every room. The hypersensitivity of sound is also causing massive amounts of stress, with neighbours either side owning dogs that bark and howl for hours at a time, one lot starting at 6am and another whom seems to believe that reving a scooter engine for 30 minutes is great fun.
Well, I cannot cope, and it usually ends up in punching myself in the head and banging against a wall. I've concussed myself on a few occasions, and broke a finger before also. the bedroom door is a hollow thing, and now has many head sized holes in it from (what I guess are) meltdowns.
I cannot cope, and CMHT don't seem to care, the benzos will only keep me on the brink for so long until tolernce gets the better of them, and the options I now see are slim, an assesment a month away, I cannot last that long, and even then, I'll be jammed back into shared housing and driven overboard, my only way out is looking like suicide. This isn't a call for help, it's a vent. No one has any right to tell me I have anything to live on for, because really, I don't. My only friend is 76 now, and has been given months to live from cancer, and while solitude is my best riend, it is also my worst enemy. I'm really at a loss now, and spend my nights nursing a noose made from shoelaces, looking for good ligiture points for a quick partial hanging. I just want my shitstorm of a life to end. I'll never be 'normal' I'll never be even remotley 'popular' and will never have a girlfriend. I really couldn't give a damn anymore. Like The Verve once said 'the drugs don't work'
sorry for the long old rant, and thankyou if you've made it this far through my drivel.
I'm so sorry. You are in an absolutely terrible situation for someone (most likely) on the spectrum. Clearly, shared accommodation isn't for you and you need somewhere quieter to live. I can totally sympathise with filthy people leaving messes. I've lived in places where bathroom and kitchen were shared before, and it was always me cleaning their messes too because I couldn't bear to use dirty things. I even resorted to pinning a humorous poem on the bathroom door reminding people to wash the bath out afterwards and they ignored it. So I used to have to wash it before and after I'd used it.
According to the Autism Strategy the state has to ensure you have suitable accommodation. But to pursue this, you need your diagnosis unfortunately.
Do you have relatives or friends you could stay temporarily with until you can change your accommodation? Can you speak to your landlord as they may have alternative properties you could swap to?
Noise like that is awful. I struggle even with day to day noises of our neighbours so I don't imagine I would manage any better than you are with barking dogs. We also have an idiot who revs up his motorbike countless times a day outside (seems to be a courier or something) opposite our house. The selfishness of NTs is hideous.