Intolerance of Uncertainty and Managing Emotions

I totally agree with this.

Ever since I was diagnosed, the engineer in me has been measuring and analysing what I do and why I do it - and then assessing those around me in comparison.

I've boiled it down to two issues - sensory overload - everything is too sensitive to live comfortably - and the big one is a pathological need for certainty and predictability.    In the same way as the sensory overload, I am easily overloaded with uncertainty.     Luckily, as an engineer, I was able to design-out most of the problems in front of me.

I've noticed NTs don't seem to notice this stress - they blunder about with short memories so their task-anxiety dissipates quickly.

I've been watching young ASD children at a mixed ASD group I attended and almost all of their problems seem come from the chaotic lives of their parents - there's no grounding or basic stability - no schedules or patterns to latch on to for comfort.   There's no safe space or safe retreat area.    There's no logic in the random and arbitrary rules applied to them.   The kids seem to be locked into a permanent fight-or-fight mode.

Me, as a parent, thought it only logical to provide my daughter with every option to make her feel safe, (how I would have liked to feel) whatever the situation - little things like still holding her hand in busy places or arranging pick-up spots where she was under cover and me never being late.    it's meant that every life-challenge has been manageable for her because it is the only one in front of her - all the other risks have an escape plan and safety net in place to reduce any possible anxiety caused by external factors.

She's grown up to be a very well-balanced and mature young lady.

I totally agree with this.

Ever since I was diagnosed, the engineer in me has been measuring and analysing what I do and why I do it - and then assessing those around me in comparison.

I've boiled it down to two issues - sensory overload - everything is too sensitive to live comfortably - and the big one is a pathological need for certainty and predictability.    In the same way as the sensory overload, I am easily overloaded with uncertainty.     Luckily, as an engineer, I was able to design-out most of the problems in front of me.

I've noticed NTs don't seem to notice this stress - they blunder about with short memories so their task-anxiety dissipates quickly.

I've been watching young ASD children at a mixed ASD group I attended and almost all of their problems seem come from the chaotic lives of their parents - there's no grounding or basic stability - no schedules or patterns to latch on to for comfort.   There's no safe space or safe retreat area.    There's no logic in the random and arbitrary rules applied to them.   The kids seem to be locked into a permanent fight-or-fight mode.

Me, as a parent, thought it only logical to provide my daughter with every option to make her feel safe, (how I would have liked to feel) whatever the situation - little things like still holding her hand in busy places or arranging pick-up spots where she was under cover and me never being late.    it's meant that every life-challenge has been manageable for her because it is the only one in front of her - all the other risks have an escape plan and safety net in place to reduce any possible anxiety caused by external factors.

She's grown up to be a very well-balanced and mature young lady.

Plastic said:

I've boiled it down to two issues - sensory overload - everything is too sensitive to live comfortably - and the big one is a pathological need for certainty and predictability.

This is so much my experience too.

Plastic said:

a pathological need for certainty and predictability.

Yes! Again, Plastic.... I just thought that was just one facet of my core personality and nothing more.  I'm risk averse.  I like things planned and organised properly and find last minute changes stressful... why am I recognising so much of myself here. 

The worst for me is travelling.  Don't get me wrong, I DO it.  I took myself all over Europe when young.  I've taken myself off, all by myself in recent times, on family history trips to Ireland and Lake Como, but I am nervous all the way in case a taxi or a train doesn't turn up on time, or something is cancelled and I have to rearrange something from my careful planning en route.  I can feel the rise of panic while waiting for transport.  What if the plan doesn't work?????   Ahhhh!!!  Then, of course, I really don't like it if stations and airports are too busy.  And I won't go anywhere, where I don't speak enough of the language to know I can find a loo and buy a meal or a ticket.

Still, worth it for the beauty of that Lake.

Plastic - you and I could write a book! Or make a 'choose your adventure' parenting app! I've done the exact same - design engineer out problems, and especially incorporating these parenting elements. Phenomenology is an underrated art. Children need tools to learn and especially help thinking through life problems. The world is chaotic enough, home should have an essence of grounding. 

If I could add to your 2 issues, I would suggest a third is having an understanding of relationship and responsibility. The amount of parents who don't act like the adult- full stop. Even to internally choose kindness and dignity over being judgemental as an example to children who don't have the best social skills. Because even if I cannot navigate a social situation in primary school, if I'm at least considerate/kind I will be readily offered help. 

Well done Plastic. The same here. I grew up in an atmosphere of never knowing what would happen next, never knowing whether I'd meet Nice Mum or Nasty Mum every day or even every hour. So when I became a parent I put a lot of effort into being consistent, providing stability and acceptance of needs and wants.

I hope it is paying off because my daughter is far, far, far ahead of me in emotions, thoughts and probably other things. We always talk about emotions in this house, how to deal with them and any problems with anything, rather than squashing them down, pretending they don't exist and getting angry if anyone dares to have emotions.

"....a pathological need for certainty and predictability". Plastic - I think I'm with you on this one, and it might explain my almost obsessive desire for information about anything that I'm doing because I keep thinking if I have all the information then I can eliminate uncertainty -or at least the anxiety that comes from it.

I'm learning information is a two edged sword because as well as answering the questions I have, it makes things more tricky because it introduces new questions, or, even worse - I'll get to the point where there's a "don't know" or "we're still figuring it out". Having said that, with the people I work with, I get annoyed very quickly because they never seem to seek any information - or only decide to do so after a long and protracted conversation where they decide they don't know anything. Plus sometimes there just isn't time to get that info - sometimes the ask is to work with what we know and have.

I'm trying to move to how to manage uncertainty - or self-manage myself in uncertainty. Think I'll post some updates on the course as I do it (which will motivate me to finish it).

Thank you for sharing about your daughter and I'm really starting to understand how important parents are in teaching emotional regulation to their children (sorry, for the terminology). I was pretty much left to figure stuff  out on my own, and I can be a bit hard on myself when I know I'm not managing things well, so this has really helped for me to get some perspective.